The "un"official date

I've sat here for over an hour wasting time on the web instead of writing this post.  I have cried so much today and my emotions are just overwhelming.  (Don't worry, it's not bad bad news...just not the best)

I'll start with the good- the doctors office was really slow today compared to usual.  I think it was because we were so anxious to find out if he would give her an induction date he promised last week.  She commented that she hopes he sends her today.  We talked about hopefully it will be by tomorrow and some of the things we will tell him.

When he got in he said he would do heartbeat and measure and then check her if she wanted.  She said yes of course and guess what?   No change! Still at a 2.  He said he would go talk to the other dr. and see about getting her a date for next week.  I think we were both bummed that it would not be tomorrow (friday).  I thought he was going to come back and say later in the week but she thought it was going to be Monday or Tuesday.

She was right! Monday at 6:30.  We were happy and excited!  Friday was our first choice, but we will take Monday!!  That is if she makes it through tomorrow and the weekend.

Now...for the talk she wanted to have at lunch.

She didn't bring up anything that the CW thought it might be. She didn't talk about the hospital stay and me staying in the room with her.

I have told you how she wants to take the baby home for a few days or a week she said.  I wanted to take the baby home so much from the hospital but was okay with her spending those few days with her.  It will only be  a few days I told myself.  She said a few days or a week but kept asking the case worker if she will come get the baby if she calls.  The CW didn't think she would keep her for more than a day or two.

Today, she said she wants to take her home with her until she goes back to work in two weeks.  This is so hard for me.  I don't want to rush their time together or the time that she needs.  Her reasoning is that she doesn't think she will have much time to see the baby after she goes back to work.  (She works 7 days a week, 8-12 hours a day)

My biggest concern is the bonding time with us.  I have all of my baby wearing wraps ready so I (we)can do as much skin to skin/ baby wearing as possible with her.  This is why we are not having visitors (even family) for several weeks and why we don't want people holding her either.  We want to concentrate on her learning our voices, our scent etc. 

My secondary feelings are how much she will have changed in two weeks.  Also, our time in her birth state can't start for ICPC until we get the baby.  This means... hospital during birth/ stay and then come home, wait for her to call again, and then go back to birth state to find a hotel (during the college world series hotel sell out double price rooms season) to wait for paperwork to be finished.  We do have a friend who plan to stay with but want to do our first week in a hotel by ourselves.  I only have three weeks of paid va-ca from work.  I can't take a week off, ask to go back for 2, then take 5 more weeks off.  They had my replacement this week start training with me and I can't just come and go now. 

She said she wants us involved during that time and wants to still do things with us but that could be awkward.  If we go out, I don't want it to be like "are you the mom" or "am I the mom".  I know that probably doesn't matter, but I think I will feel unsure of what to do .  On the other hand, I don't just want to say call me when you are ready and we will come pick her up because if she wants me around I want to be there as much as I can to have that opportunity to hold her/ bond with her.

I am so torn up about this.  I feel selfish for wanting her as soon as possible but even the case worker has concerns about why she didn't bring this up to her the day before we they specifically talked about baby being with her for 5 days until she signs.  She is wondering if this has something to do with her being lonely since husband is gone out of town for work now or her friends that want to see the baby (that don't know about the adoption plan)  CW was going to call her tonight and try to meet with her tomorrow.

The next crappy part was she asked me for $150 to help get their car fixed.  I had worried about this before when she had to quit working due to her doctors note and was struggling.  I felt so guilty and that I wanted in my heart to offer her money but knew I can't cross that line and also that it is not legal.  The CW had told her a while back if she needed anything to just ask her and she did ask for laundry soap and diapers a few times.  She had never asked her for $ so she didn't think she would ask me. 

She told me that her husband C wanted her to ask us because it is their only way of transportation and that they would pay it back.  I hated this! I told her that I would have to check with CW because they talked to us in training about it and that I think it's against the law that we can't do it.  I felt like I was squirming and felt completely terrible that I wasn't helping her.

After lunch, I dropped her off at P's apartment.  He was watching A for her while we ate.  I could hardly make it to the car fast enough without my eyes welling up with tears.  I called the CW as soon as I was a few blocks away and had to pull over so I could cry.

I hate this. This isn't what I want. I don't want her to ask me for money. I don't want to tell her no. I don't want to be in that position.  What if she asks again? next year, in two years, in five years? How do I handle that?  How can I not give her money to fix her car when she is "giving " us a baby? Isn't she going to resent me for that? I don't want her to take the baby home for 2 weeks. I want to snuggle with our teeny tiny baby. I don't want to stay in the birth state for two weeks. I want to bring the baby HOME to her little pink and white room.

I told her that if she is wanting to change her mind about the adoption to just let us know.  She said she still is doing it. I said but when the baby is 3 days old and you decide you just can't do it...please let us know. 

I very strongly feel that she is not going to have a change of heart. I very strongly feel that she going to stay with her plan for the adoption.  I am not fearful of that. 

I am so tired. So emotional. So exhausted.  So ready... for this to get her and for this other stuff to be over.  I want to start living our new normal (with J being a part of that)

I don't know if I included everything on here but I'm just too tired to write more.  I've stated the main parts.  I'll update after I hear from CW if they are able to meet tomorrow.