Wednesday, June 27, 2012

How news travels

I once heard or read that good news travels faster than bad news.  I have certainly found this to be true.  So many heard our news quickly but we have several people that have not heard our bad news.  So far I have been asked outright something to the effect of , "where's the baby/ how's the baby doing?"  I hate this question.  It not only makes the person asking it feel awkward, but sometimes makes me almost get teary.

Tonight was one of those nights.  We went to dinner after B's ball game and the first person we see inside the place asked us the second we walked in the doors.  He also happened to be our first visitor at the hospital when I had B, and also the first person to text Matt with congratulations when Jolie was born.

Later as we were eating, another family walked in who I knew.  This is the lady I had bought the adorable car seat cover from.  The pretty pretty swing and the super adorable car seat cover were my two favorite things I was most excited about to use with Jolie.  Of course, when our family said hello to their family before leaving I had to get the look and question from her..."how are you doing?"  Everyone feels sorry for us, everyone feels bad, everyone doesn't know what to say- but we all know there is nothing anyone can do to help it.

I thought of J today.  I know (I believe) she is still doing counseing for a few more weeks with our caseworker.  I wondered today how she was doing.  I thought for a brief moment about how that is going for her and thought about calling the caseworker to ask.  Then I quickly dismissed it.  That is not my business to know how she is doing in counseling anymore.  Also, I didn't want to hear about if she had asked for more diapers, formula, rides, etc. like we were told last time.  I don't want to know that she is struggling to do it on her own.

I had some good days this week.  We have been keeping busy and I have been enjoying my time off.  I have found however that I am actually pulling away from those who are closest to me.  I have avoided my closest friends who knew up to the minute details.  I haven't felt like talking hardly at all.  I have continued to try to hide out as best I can.  I hurry to the car avoiding the awkwardness of those who have "heard the news".  I don't want to cry anymore about it so I try to keep life as normal as possible. 

I have tons of messages I need to respond to.  I was touched by the people who wrote me emails or facebook messages telling me how sorry they were.  These really meant a lot to me, even if I was not able to respond right away.

I quit my job today.  I had called them last week and told them I will let them know by the end of this week when I will be returning.  My original plan (can't remember if I have talked about this here) was that I was going to go back to home daycare with Jolie.  When I was pregnant with B, I taught for my first year and then did home daycare until he went to school.  I currently work with low income families with prenatal - age 3 families doing in home visits.  Some of the families I work with have such a similar situation to J and Jolie I just don't think I can handle going back. 

I sent them my notice today and it was so hard for me to make the commitment to leaving a job with benefits to one with none.  (But staying home with my baby will outweigh any benefits I could have).  I only have one child for daycare so I am really stressed about that.  I need to pray hard that things will work out for us. 

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Up and Downs

Friday was my birthday.  We had planned on this being our first full day as parents to Jolie and would celebrate in another state waiting for ICPC.  Instead, we tried to make some other plans for us and I was hoping I would still be able to enjoy the day. 

Our day started off by heading uptown to eat at one of my favorite sandwich shops.  We stopped at Target where Matt and I both got a new CD.  Just before we left town I had a call from a flower shop that they had a delivery for me.  I said we would just stop and pick it up on our way home.  It was from my FIL and my husband's step mom.  We came home and I decided to try to make some cupcakes for my friends for later that night when we were getting together.  My sister and her husband were on their way from out of town.

Just as I was ready to pop them in the oven, we discovered our oven wasn't working!  I had also planned to put a dish in after the cupcakes that  a friend had made for me the night before (Thank you Laura!!!)  before we headed to B's baseball game.  I am so blessed and have a grandma who was more than happy to preheat her oven for me as I ran the stuff over to her.

She put the dinner in and then was going to bake the cake.  Matt ran over to grab the dinner when it was finished just before my sister and husband arrived.  My sister ate a little with us and joined us at the ball game.  The night was beautiful for a game. 

I had sent a last minute message earlier that day to several friends to join us a the local brewery after the game.  My grandma took B home after the game and several of my friends stopped in.  We had a great time, even though there was no cupcakes! I have some super great friends and family and they made me feel so good.  It was so nice to have them there.  I felt so loved and supported.

After we left there a few girls and my BIL and sister came back to our house where we sat outside a little longer.  It was just a beautiful night!

The following day 3 of the girls from the night before (one being my sissy) joined me for a pedicure.  We had 2 hours full of fun and laughter.  We decided the only way to get pedis is to get them in a group!

It was great to have my sister in town for the weekend too.  We were able to spend lots of time together.  I'm so glad that we have gotten closer than ever over the last few years. 

I can honestly say that I felt good.  Thursday night, Friday, Saturday I really did feel good.  I had maybe only one or two times where I felt a little sad.  I really did feel full of happiness again however.

Sunday, today, was not so good.  I'm not exactly sure what started it.  Part of it was that we didn't go to church.  When Matt gets home from work on Sundays we always go to church together before he goes to bed for the day.  He was super swamped last night and really just wanted to go to bed.  I'm okay for just B and I to go but he didn't like that today.  He wanted us all to go or all to stay.  I knew he was so tired, and my sister and BIL were still here anyways so I just said we would stay.  I regretted it almost instantly and should have just gone.  Then I said since I was up, I would go for a run since it was early.  Hello humidity.  I am new to this whole running thing and can't even call myself a "runner" yet.  I am signed up to do my first 5K next Saturday.  I have really struggled with the hot humid days.  The past two weeks with all of this stuff, I haven't been out very much and probably won't make my goal now of running the whole thing.  I didn't care what my time was (it's not timed anyways) I just wanted to run all of it.

My sister and hubs were packing up to leave and Matt finally got to get to bed.  I pouted on the couch a little and read for a while.  I was hot, I couldn't get back to sleep. I made B some cereal and he hung out watching tv for a while.  I got up to take a shower and that didn't help.  I felt so down, so sad, so unmotivated to do anything.  All I wanted to do was go back to bed.  I hated this day.  B and I played a game of Monopoly Jr. He made himself some lunch (he loves to do that) and I ate 1/2 can of spaghetti o's I bought for myself the other day (feeling sorry for myself at the store, thinking these will be such good comfort, really? I can't believe I ever liked these?  Bigger letdown for the day)  B played on the computer in the chair by me and I tied to get to sleep on the couch.  I felt like a loser mom making my son play by him self for the majority of the day. 

Later when Matt came out I was still feeling stressed and couldn't convey this to him correctly.  I told him I was sad, stressed, worried but I couldn't tell him why.  I didn't know why.  It was just an overwhelming feeling through out the whole day.  I don't think he "got it" since I had been good the past few days and that irritated me more.  I was stressed about needing to figure out what I am going to do for a job ( I am out of paid leave, something needs to be done ASAP) and I was thinking about tomorrow being Monday and Jolie will be 3 weeks old. 

Am I forever going to hate Mondays as a reminder of her? Will I think of her every Monday and try to think about how many weeks she is and how big she is getting? 

B goes to art camp this week and I have another counseling appointment on Thursday.  I won't be able to sleep til 10-11 with him having camp so I hopefully get some other things done.  B has games M-W-F night and I hope to get the baby things that I packed away taken out to storage at Matt's moms.  I have 6 tubs plus things like the bathtub, etc. to take out there.

I feel like I have been a bad friend to my friends.  I have only been thinking about myself and our family and problems and not talking to any of my friends. I  know they are going through things with their relationships, health, and more but I feel so consumed by my situation.  

Ugh, hoping tomorrow is a better day. 

Blog Holes

My blog has so many holes recently.  I have jumped all over due to lack of energy to do any of it lately.  Please excuse me for that. 

 I thought of two things from the post about our trip to the water park after we got the call.  We called from home to book a reservation and then headed out of town.  It is about a 2 1/2 hour drive to get there and they wouldn't take online reservations for the day of.  When we arrived to the lodge, there was a HUGE sign hanging above the entrance "Welcome National Cheerleading Something".  As we looked around we were surrounded by hundreds of high school girls practicing all around the grounds of the place.  They were ALL OVER inside and out for the two days.  Being surrounded by that many giggly girls could have only been topped off by coming to a baby convention :)

We arrived on Wednesday late afternoon.  We swam right away, hung out in the arcade, ordered pizza etc.  All of the things we could do to try to get our mind off of reality.  When I woke up in the morning, I tried to keep my eyes closed as long as I could.  I didn't want to wake up and face this day.  I wanted it to be a very bad dream.  I thought if I sleep a little longer I won't be in the hotel.  I won't be in this other state.  I will be that much closer to the baby girl we fell in love with.

But, it was real and I couldn't sleep forever.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Planned Placement Day

Today, the day that seemed so far away 10 days ago did not end the way we had prayed for.  We are going to bed in our own home instead of in a neighboring state with our new baby waiting for ICPC.

Our meeting was brief but went so much better than we had thought it would turn out.  We had such a feeling of peace after we left. 

I'm ready for bed now and will try to celebrate my birthday tomorrow but can't wait to come back and share the sweet details.

And, sweet baby Jolie was more beautiful than ever.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012


I called the CW to see if she had heard from J.  Apparently she had trouble with her phone and thought she had text me.

J was very excited to meet us on Thurs.  We are meeting at the office at 3:30.  She said she plans on us having some alone time with Jolie and that when J is in with us she will also be.  She better be because this is what bothered us with our last visit.

Tomorrow we will say goodbye to a piece of our heart.  We will hold her and kiss her.  We will tell her how much we will always love and pray for her.  How special she is.  How much we will miss her.  How much we hope her life is filled with happiness.

That is all I know so far.  I don't know what I will say to J.  I will keep it nice. I don't ever want to make her feel guilty for parenting.

I have thought about writing something to her to read but just not sure if I can do that.  I know Matt will cry and be filled with sadness too. 

I know that Friday, what was going to be our first full day with Jolie as our daughter and also my birthday, will not be filled with happiness and celebration.

Monday- 18th

On Monday I woke up with dreams of Jolie.  She would be 2 weeks today.  She was supposed to go in for her 2 week check up.  I dreamed that I had to go in to the dr to get a note so I could stay home from work using my sick days (which is true, I need to do this)  I dreamed I went back to the same dr we had done all of the prenatal/ post natal visits.  When I arrived J was in the waiting room with Jolie but didn't see me come in.  I watched her for about five minutes until she got called back.  When she got called back, she put Jolie in her purse (standing up style- head peaking up over the top) and went back. I broke down in tears in the waiting room because that was supposed to be our little girl.

Later that day I was struggling because I needed to call my work and let them know what was going on.  I tried and just couldn't get the courage.  I have so co-workers who know but have some very dumb unprofessional supervisors.  I pushed it off until the next day.

Later in the day as I laid on the couch I started missing J.  I missed her shoes.  I missed the way she laughed and things she said.  I thought about the day we pulled up to take her to the doctors about for Jolie's jaundice and she ran her out to us so we could have that extra time with Jolie while she finished getting ready since we were early.  This was the first time I have missed her but realized now that I will miss her and A as well.  I was looking forward to our relationship that I thought we were going to have.

 The case worker called later in the day.   I was a little irritated we had not heard from her yet from Mon- Mon.  She said that when she left town the supervisor told her that we were supposed to shut our phones off while we got away for a bit so she said she would call us Monday.


Anyways, I told her we would be interested in meeting with J and baby for a final time.  Matt thought Thursday would be a good day since 1- that is the day she said she would sign and we would have our entrustment ceremony and 2- it is his day off.  She said she would ask her about it.  I asked her if she thought J would go for it.  She said she thought she would because she had been asking about us.

I also asked the caseworker something I had asked the supervisor which she did not know. 

Did J cry when she told her that she was going to have a change of heart?  The answer was no.  That made me sad.

Everyone at the agency said they did not see red flags, J was very adamant up until the end that she was going with the plan.  They are all basically shaking their heads and looking back over the situation.  She said she felt like she had been played a little bit when she told her. 

Maybe in the future I will be able to share a little more of the details that lead up to us feeling this way.  I'm not trying to be anti-birthmother and she has to give us the baby if she says she is going to , but there were a few things that were kind of weird that I haven't shared because I don't want people to think badly of J. 

The call - part 2

We rode most of the way there in silence.  I cried a little but it just didn't feel real.  I couldn't believe after how good things went that we were making this trip.  I didn't really care why at the time, but am glad we were able to hear her reason for having the change of heart once we arrived at the office.

When we were a few blocks away, Matt called the supervisor and told her we were almost there.  She said she would meet us at the side door.  That almost made me feel worse.  Things were so bad we couldn't walk through the lobby and reception area???

She had told Matt on the phone that yes, J had had a change of heart.  As we sat down she said that our case worker had to go to DC that morning (which we knew) and that J had called A the night before.  She told her that she was going to parent because her husband told her she could keep the baby now. (Not his baby). The adoption supervisor had said she would call us to come in because she didn't want the case worker to tell us the news over the phone.

She was able to answer some of our questions but some we had to wait until A got back from DC.  The supervisor  told us that J had wanted to call us herself but that they told her no.  She asked if we wanted to see J and baby one more time to tell her goodbye or if they wanted us to tell her not to contact us.

As we left the office, we left it with we will think about seeing her to say good bye and don't tell her anything about contacting us.  I was curious to see if she would or not. I had never thought of having a chance to say good bye to Jolie so I was a little interested in this option.  One more time to tell her we loved her, always will and will always pray for her.

I ended up being glad we did go in because it gave us a chance to vent a little.  The agencies policy is that we go inactive for a while after a change of heart but there is not set time limit.  When we feel like we are ready to go back in and be able to give ourselves to a birth mom again, we can call them.

Once we left the office, we headed home.  I cried a lot on the way home.  We discussed trying to get in to see our counselor friend or our pastor but ended up driving straight back to our son.  We had plans to pack up our stuff and hit the road for a few days.

I called my mom who had taken B home and asked her to meet us back at our house at 2.  I vaguely remember Matt calling his mom and she was over at his aunt's house telling her.  I don't remember this very clearly.  He must have called her on the way up or text her or something.  I remember that when his mom passed the phone to his aunt he started crying.  He commented how he could talk to his mom but couldn't hold up when he talked to her.

We stopped at my grandparents ( I am super close to them).  I called to make sure my grandpa was home and he was.  I told them in my big girl-everything is okay- voice that we were going to stop over.  They didn't suspect anything.  As we walked in, I hollered "hello"  they came walking towards us and had no idea.  These were the two who were the most in fear of J taking the baby home.  As soon as they saw me, they knew something was wrong.  I don't remember who said what first, Matt or I but I was worried for a second it might kill one of them on the spot..  I know they love me so very much and want nothing more than to see my happiness and my dreams come true.

They didn't take it well but I won't go in to details with that!

Once we got home, I don't really remember telling B.  I know he didn't get as upset as we thought. I think he is still to young for that much sadness.  He did have his finger in his eye and tell us "I'm not crying, my eye just hurts".  I know he was sad, but think the concept was too much for him.  He was more upset about her not keeping her word.  He said, "she said she wanted to adopt and now she's now".

We tried to tell him how much she loved Jolie and wanted to be a mommy herself to her.  She just loved her so much that she couldn't do it.

He was suddenly cheered when we told him we were going to go to Great Wo.lf Lodge.  He had wanted to go there forever.  We threw stuff in a bag, called to get an overpriced reservation, transfered some money and headed to KC.

There were so many reminders during our whole trip there of J, baby Jolie, or A.  Jolie sneezed so many times at the hospital and so many people were sneezing at GWL.  There were so many cute babies and little girls my heart broke each time I knew we were not going to be carrying one in our arms anytime soon.  All of the little swimsuits and things I had ready for our summer baby were soon going to be packed away.

As much as we tried to forget about it for awhile the heartache remained.  There were hispanic families all around us that reminded us of them.  I longingly look into all of the dark brown eyes of each little girl I saw.  I tried to imagine if Jolie would look like them as she got older.  At one point, I sat in the hot tub while Matt and B were on the slides and cried.  I didn't care that people were looking at me.  I had my legs pulled up to my chest, my head down on my knees and let the tears fall.

We did receive a text message a few hours after arriving from J.  It said, "I hope you guys are doing okay :("
No, we are not doing okay.  I am not going to respond to that message right now J because that was a stupid question.

Later that night at 1115 we got another text.  It said " hope you guys aren't mad at me, sorry for everything, never ment to hurt  u, am really sorry, i love my two kids and my husband".

Okay, I figured I would respond now since I had left her hanging a few hours from the first one.  I wanted to it gracefully but yet let her know were were not okay. 

I wrote:  J, we are completely heart broken.  We are in so much pain right now.  We don't think you did this to hurt us but wish we would have known sooner.  B and the rest of our  family was devastated (she was always so big on meeting our extended family) We understand your wanting to parent Jolie, and don't hold that against you.  Being parents is the most important thing to us and you are the only one who can make the decision for what is best for her.  Everytime I look around I am reminded of you, her, or A and it hurts.  It means so much to us that you would choose us but right now we are really having a hard time and will always love sweet baby Jolie  and never forget our time together with you.

And she responded:  you can still see jolie, for me you guys are the second parents, you can come anytime and see her I will never take that away u guys were the sweetest persons i ever met and if you like u can see jolie.  she is like you guys little girl too. I know you guys are broken  i am too cuz i know i hurt good people and am not like that. i wich i could do anything for you guys, sorry am really sorry.

I did not respond. I was trying my best to remember to show grace in the situation and I didn't think I could do that if we kept texting.

I felt like the world was smiling and moving fast and no one knew I was in pain.  I tried my best to have fun with B, and of course I did laugh while we were there but as I stood in line and other parents looked around and smiled I had to fight back the urge to tell them I wasn't really happy.  I wanted to know that while they stood there smiling and on vacation, I was in pain. Of course, I didn't do that, but I don't think I smiled much at all.  I am usually a little picture taking obsessive but I kept asking B if he wanted his picture here, there, or by that.... he usually said no (takes after his dad) and instead of insisting as I usually would I didn't even care.  This was not a trip I ever wanted to look back on and remember.

I dreaded going back home and the real pain.  We made it back though and I felt surrounded by the love of our family and friends.  Some friends had cleaned my house, did my laundry, and stocked us up with groceries.  Some others are bringing a couple meals.  Of course I said no at first, but as we have been home a few days, I could care less about getting up to cook.  The last two days have not been good for me.  I don't want people looking at me.  I don't want to go outside. I haven't been able to talk to anyone, let alone my closest friends who knew up to the minute details the whole time.  I hurt so bad that I can't seem to think of trying to talk about it.

The messages we have gotten are so appreciated.  The texts and facebook messages, along with your blog comments have been such a joy to read.  I have not really responded to any of the ones at home, but I read each one and am truly touched.

Monday, June 18, 2012

The call that broke us down

(missing back ground piece- We had a visit at the agency on Monday with J and baby Jolie.  No date was set as we left for our next visit but we had been communicating nearly every day via text/ phone/ visits.  While we were snuggling with Jolie, the case worker and J met briefly.  Legal father had signed earlier that morning before going out of town again.  Case worker had told J that she would need to set a date and time that night for when she was planning to sign.   She had picked June 21.  She wanted her 2 weeks like she had said and this was 2 weeks and one day from leaving the hospital)

Last Wednesday morning, I went for a run while B rides his bike.  I jumped in the shower right away when I returned while our son was playing.  Matt had worked the night before and was sleeping during all of this.  I had texted our case worker that morning before leaving for the trail asking her if she would be able to schedule a visit with us and J that evening.  I left the info in the message that we were going to go of town a few days while Matt was off to get our mind off the long wait we still had until the 21st.  I said if we could see her Wed. afternoon and Monday we would be okay to make it until the 21st with just those two visits.

I didn't get a quick response so I checked as we got home.  Still no response.  Then I remembered that she was going out of town that afternoon so I knew a visit with her picking J up and meeting at the office wasn't going to work.  I figured we could probably pick J up again and maybe the supervisor would be able to open a room up for us to meet there still.  I knew our case worker wasn't going out of town until late in the afternoon though so still thought she would contact me.

As I got out of the shower I saw I had a missed call from the agency office.  I assumed it would be A, the case worker but the voice mail was actually from the adoption supervisor.  I didn't think much of it until I heard the voice mail asking us if we could come in to the office, today if possible.

I knew.

I knew it was over.

I had only missed her call by a few minutes and tried calling back but kept getting her voice mail.  I rang back to the receptionist a few times and finally got through to her.  She told me that A had to go out of town and that before she left, she had a conversation with J last night.  She wanted us to come in so she could tell us about that conversation.

I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was something like- just tell me, it's over isn't it?  She wouldn't tell me and I told her I had to know before I came up there.  At this point I am so completely upset crying and all she is saying is, "Amber is Matt there"  I said yes, but kept crying and couldn't move. After several times of her asking to talk to Matt I said he was asleep but hold on, I'll go get him.

I didn't want to come upstairs, open our door, and wake him up.  I didn't want this to be real.  How could this really be happening?  How?

I opened the door and turned on the light.  Since he had only been asleep for about 2 or 3 hours he sat up confused.  I was standing in my towel still and my face covered in tears.  I said, "It's Maggie, it's over".  I collapsed on the floor and he left the room to talk to her.

As we later talked about it, he told her that I was a mess and that she needed to tell him what was going on because there was no way he could get both of us out of the house.

She told him that J had talked with the caseworker and has now decided to parent.

When Matt came back in, he asked if I wanted to stay home.  He said he would just go up there and talk to her.  I couldn't move and had my eyes covered tightly with my hands.  I didn't want to look out at the world again.  I didn't want to see any of this happening before me.  I was sobbing and just kept saying, " I promised everyone it would be okay, I promised everyone"

So many of our friends and family had been worried about J taking Jolie home for a few days/ weeks.  We told them over and over that we strongly feel she was still on board with the plan.  I got mad at them for not trusting us on this! I said we spent the time with her over the past few weeks and the days together at the hospital.  We were the ones who knew her, not them!

Finally, I was able to get up, find something to wear besides my towel.  (Again, I was at a loss for what to wear.  What do you wear to a meeting to hear your heart shatter?)  Since I had just showered, there was no need for any makeup.

I called my mom at work and asked her through tears if she could come get B.  She was able to come right over and take him.  I told her not to tell him (or anyone else) anything and did my best to hold up in front of him for now.

I know my mom's heart was just as sad for us.   A few minutes later, we were on the road to the office.  I was feeling a little irritated that we had to drive all the way there just to have them tell us the bad news.  We had spent so much money lately on things related to this that I didn't feel like this was necessary to go up there.

Friday, June 15, 2012

No words for a title

I know I wasn't good about getting the story about our first week written.  I had all intentions to do it.  I was just so tired and exhausted from the stress of it all.  We were busy and I still might try to write about those days.

But the last few days are more important now. 

On Tuesday night J called our caseworker.

On Wednesday, the agency called us.

On Wednesday our hearts broke. 

We left town to try to escape the reality that our dreams of parenting Jolie were not going to happen.

We both watched her come into this world, we named her, and I cut the cord.  But we are not going to be her parents. 

J has had a change of heart.  Funny, the agency calls it that when our hearts are so very broken.

I will be back and it won't be super long, but I can't manage much more right now.

We left town right away and headed to a hotel for a few days to have some family time.  We stopped for lunch before getting on the road to come home and it seemed all weekend we had little girls and their daddies around us. 

As we watched a little girl walk in front of us sipping her soda and holding ice cream in her other hand, Matt looked at me and said,

"blue eyed blonde haired white girls just don't do it for me anymore".   I broke down in tears.  We love our brown skinned Jolie so very very much.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Happy Birthday Baby Girl! June 4, 2012

I talked to J the night before our scheduled induction.  She had changed the plans of me picking her up to her meeting me there.  She said she would meet me at L & D at 6:15.  We were supposed to be there at 6:30.  She said her friend P would drop her off.

Sunday night Matt was going in to work and B and I got our showers done.  Matt and I both drove over to my grandparents to drop off B for the night.  We took a quick picture of the three of us, knowing this would be the last time we will be a family of three.  Matt headed up to work and I came home to get to bed due to a 4:15 wake up time.  I took a tylenol pm to help me sleep and luckily, I was able to fall asleep quickly.

I wanted to make sure I was at the hospital before her, I didn't want her to get off the elevator and not have me there.  I also wanted to stop in the town my husband works (on my way) and be able to give him a kiss before I went to the hospital.  He was working his usual shift of 11-7(Sunday) and then had training from 8-4 (Monday).  He did have the okay to leave training if needed early if we called to tell him to head to the hospital.  We originally would have had Matt at the hospital the day she went in, but since we have to use so many days before we get to bring the baby home, we decided to have him at least try to do most of his training day.

Luckily, Matt was not busy when I was coming through town where he works and we were able to meet for about 10 minutes before I headed to the hospital at a gas station.  I felt so much better that I was able to see him and give him a kiss.  I knew I would see him soon, I just wished he could be going with me.  I knew that it would be a long day of waiting though too, so I was okay.

I arrived at the hospital early and actually sat in the garage for several minutes and talked to my mom who was in Colorado on va-ca.  About 6, I headed in to the building and made it through the long hallways and two sets of elevators to reach labor and delivery.  It was about 6:10.  I sat in the chairs and began my wait.

At 6:30, still no J so I text the case worker that I hope she shows up.  Right after that, about 6:33 she came off the elevator.  I was excited to see her and gave her a hug.  I was happy and didn't have any feelings of hurt like I had previously worried about from our conversation Thursday.

We checked in at the desk and the nurse took us down to a room.  I couldn't believe we were walking down the hall to start this process.   They started with the basics and got her settled into the bed.  We waited around for a little while why they completed several forms, paperwork, computer data, etc.  Finally a nurse came in and got J ready for her IV.  J doesn't like needles so I held her hand as the nurse took two tries to get it in.  Once that was in, it was more waiting.  We were now waiting for the doctor to come in and give the okay to start the fluids.  Finally, around 8 that was done.  Around 9:30 they told J she could eat a light meal and she ordered a chicken salad.  She had not had anything to eat earlier in the day.

The first check they did showed that J was still at about a 2.  She had been at a two for weeks now!!  The doctor went ahead and ordered the pitocin to begin.  J dozed in and out a few times. I thought I might be able to sleep a little while we were waiting, but I was just too excited about what was going on.  I think I probably reached my month long text limit however that morning!  I had brought some books and magazines but I wasn't able to concentrate on those either.  I was actually impressed with how fast the day was moving.  Her contractions were starting to pickup and she was checked again and was at a 4.

She decided it was about time for her epidural.  The nurse told me to stand in front of J and help support her.  I had always heard that the epidural needles are not fun so I just tried to not look at it while they were doing it.  I don't mind needles but I just don't like to necessarily watch them.  I had ahold of J's hands and was holding so still, worrying about this hurting her.  I was holding my breath trying to hold as still as possible when I realized I wasn't breathing.  I started to get sweaty and light headed so I tried to tell myself to breath.  I wanted so bad to continue to hold her hands but was worried I was going to pass out!  It wasn't from seeing anything or getting sick with watching/ listening to was just that I was trying to hold too still!  I made it through but don't think I could have made it more than a few minutes longer.

Matt arrived around 12:30 and was able to leave his training to come be with us.  When he arrived, J was very quiet and reserved.  I even noticed she would hardly look at him.  I thought that was weird since one of the things she had said to the case worker was that she thinks he is not very excited about the baby.

The case worker arrived around 1 and Matt and I were able to run down to get some lunch in the cafeteria. I had a deli sandwich, chips and cookies and he had a taco salad.  I know this is such a little detail, but I don't ever want to forget these things.  The case worker stayed until about 3 and then had to head out to another appointment.  She said she could come back if we needed her but we just said we would let her know if there was any news.  Matt tired to go sleep in a lounge down the hall but there were too many people blabbing, even with his head phones in.

J started to come around to Matt again and slowly started to warm up to him.  He tried to take a little snooze in the chair from not having any sleep from working but that wasn't really working.  Around 4:30 Matt was thinking of going to get a hotel room nearby.  They had recently checked her and she was at a 5.  They were planning to break her water but it broke on it's own as they checked her.  They said they would like to see her go 1 cm an hour and we figured if she wasn't going to have the baby for several hours he might be able to get some sleep in before it was go time.  I asked the nurse if she thought it was a good idea if he leave the hospital to go somewhere nearby and explained how he had worked and hadn't gotten any sleep.  I was hoping at this point they would mention about us having another room on the floor for us that I had heard about.  I had been told that lots of times hospitals will offer you a room if they have extras.  There were plenty of extra rooms.  They were definately not busy but no offer was ever made for us to actually get our own room.

The nurse did find a room that he could go take a nap in.  We were appreciate of this and it was going to be perfect for him to get some sleep.  She took him down the hall and I told him I would come and get him as we got closer.  The plan had always been that I would be in for delivery and he would be waiting outside.

About 15 minutes after he left, they checked her again.  She had now jumped from a 5 to a 9 1/2.  Holy smokes it was almost time!  She asked the nurse how many people could be in the room during delivery.   They said 3 or 4 depending on how many docotrs/ residents are there.

As they left the room, I asked her if she had someone else she wanted in the room.  She said that P had wanted to be in there so she started calling him right away.  She had talked to him earlier around lunch time and he said he was on his way up.  It was now about 5 and we still hadn't seen him.  She tried and tried to get ahold of him and was not able to.  I think she was a little upset that she couldn't get in touch with him.

I decided since she wanted someone else I was going to go for it.  I asked her if she wanted Matt to be in there with us.  I said I totally understand if she says no because that was not our original plan.  She said sure, that's okay.   I checked and rechecked to make sure she was comfortable with this.  I told her he was not planning to be in so he is okay if he just waits.  She sounded like she was okay with it however.

I asked the nurse to show me what room he was in and went down to wake him up.  Since he had only been asleep for about an hour, he was startled when I woke him up. I told him she jumped to a 9 1/2 after he left, she was ready to have the baby, and he was going to be in the room.  It took him a few minutes to blink a few times and gather his thoughts but shortly after we were headed down to the room.

As we arrived back in the room, things were getting set up and ready to go.  I asked her if she was ready and she said yes.  The nurses and doctors were filling the room and then a male doctor came in and introduced himself.  The two female doctors we had had all day were residents and he said he was just going to be supervising in the background and hopefully no help from him will be needed.  They asked who was going to cut the cord and J said the mom or the dad.  I spoke up and said I would "since Matt didn't cut the cord on B".  I knew he wouldn't have wanted to this time either because he would have had to get too close to a view he wasn't interested in seeing.  They asked her if they wanted them to clean the baby up first or put her right on J's chest.  She opted for right on her chest.

Matt got in to place up behind her shoulder and was ready with the camera and I was down by her knee.  I was rubbing her arm and the room was silent.  It was such a moment for me with all of the silence.  J had not made a peep with pain and the doctors and nurses were standing in wait.  It was such a surprise to me and seemed so calm.  This was not what I expected.  Everyone was just waiting....  They told her with the next contraction that she could push three times.  They were standing silently waiting for her to tell them when the next one came.  I had silent tears come lightly down my face because I was awe of the moment we were in.  My heart was filled with such joy.  Of all the adoption dreams, being involved with the delivery was at the top.  I am so thankful for the opportunity.

She told us "okay" when the next one came and they had her push.  The baby was right there as she pushed and J didn't make a sound the whole time.  I wasn't going to watch really....didn't think I really wanted to see that....but as I peeked down and could see her head starting to emerge, I was sucked in.  I couldn't believe this was happening and she was just moments away from something I have waited so long for.  She pushed again and her head was out.  As much as I wanted to not watch even still, I couldn't help but continue.  She had one more push and her shoulders were out.  They told her to slow down but it seemed that baby was on it's way out with or without her help.  I remember thinking how purple she looked and the cord was wrapped around her neck a little.  One of the doctors was trying to unwrap it over her neck but the male doctor said, "it's okay just push right through it".  She pushed once more and she was out! Her legs were so long and tried to sneak a peak to see if she was really a she! I had been so worried about this since I had so much pink!  They quickly said it was a girl and I just remember thinking how stinkin' cool that just was!  She started to cry and then I did too! It was absolutely beautiful.

They laid her on J and she didn't show very much emotion. She held her but didn't cry or seem to smile.  She just looked at her as she held her while the nurses were wiping her off, suctioning her, checking heartbeat, etc.  It was such a moment.  I was totally lost in it.  I don't remember looking at Matt, I just stared at J and the baby.  I was so happy for her that she did it and made it look easy.  I told her I was so impressed with how she did.

The nurse told me to get ready and that I was going to carry her over to the scale.  I crossed over through the "business" part and thought I was going to be in the way.  Everyone was fine with me crossing through and I didn't feel like I was in the way.  As I got to the other side and saw Matt staring at the baby in J's arms, I said I needed to get a picture of him.  He handed me the camera and I took a few.  I said I'm sorry to the nurse who was waiting for me to bring the baby over, but she said "you're fine, this is your moment, take as many as you want".   I took a few more and then brought her over to the scale.  She weighed in at 7.15.9  and they called it good at 8.  She was so much bigger than we thought! We were thinking only 6 or 7 something.  As they finished her checks, I checked in on J.  She appeared to be doing good.  I was so proud of her.

to be continued...

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Big Sigh...

I'm still so so so tired and don't have it in my to type our hospital story.  I am going to start working on it tonight and keep it in drafts, hoping to finish it tomorrow.

I still have so many people I haven't called yet or contacted.  It is just exhausting.  All we want is to have her here with us and I feel so out of energy and motivation.

I have finally contacted a few of some of my close friends to share the story with them and share our pictures from our hospital time.  Only one person outside of our family has heard the whole story though.

We didn't see baby girl today.  I'm not sure if we will see her tomorrow.

Yesterday was day 5 so birth fathers rights have been terminated.

Legal father is planning to sign Mon AM.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

In our quiet little house...

Matt, B, and I are home.  It's too quiet and we miss our beautiful little girl so much!

I can't wait to come back and tell about our hospital stay, and I'm hoping to tonight. 

I just wanted to pop in to let all of my 8 readers know that she is beautiful!  Long story very short- things went wonderful!  Our experience was great and went better than I could have imagined or worried about.

Thank you so much for all of your prayers

* One of the only bummers about it was we discovered I had the wrong month on my date that is on my camera.  lol  I'm so mad at myself about that-- how dumb am I???

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Birth Day Eve

I really haven't slept since Thursday. Honestly my stomach is so sour on the situation so I am hoping that tomorrow when we are together I feel back to normal.  I talked to both case workers - ours I think is trying to keep my calm , the other one was more honest and did say she is concerned about the situation.  I know they have talked to the director and I am waiting to hear back from the other one tonight.

I tired to take a nap today but that didn't work.  B is going to grandma's tonight and Matt will go to work.  He has a training tomorrow after his shift but will be able to meet us there if she starts to go earlier than the later afternoon/ evening like the doctor thinks it will be.

We had planned for me to pick her up but when I called to confirm time and place today, she said she will just have P drop her off at the hospital.  So, I guess I am meeting her there.  I am really nervous about the delivery.  I haven't done anything like this (who has when they go into a delivery for the first time though)

I am trying to get packed and get things ready.  I think I will get up earlier and stop to give Matt a kiss before I head to the hospital.  He works in the town between us and the hospital.  I hate that he can't go with me, but since she will most likely be just waiting all day, we need to have him save some of his time.

I will try to update as soon as I can.

Please pray for us!