Monday, June 18, 2012

The call that broke us down

(missing back ground piece- We had a visit at the agency on Monday with J and baby Jolie.  No date was set as we left for our next visit but we had been communicating nearly every day via text/ phone/ visits.  While we were snuggling with Jolie, the case worker and J met briefly.  Legal father had signed earlier that morning before going out of town again.  Case worker had told J that she would need to set a date and time that night for when she was planning to sign.   She had picked June 21.  She wanted her 2 weeks like she had said and this was 2 weeks and one day from leaving the hospital)

Last Wednesday morning, I went for a run while B rides his bike.  I jumped in the shower right away when I returned while our son was playing.  Matt had worked the night before and was sleeping during all of this.  I had texted our case worker that morning before leaving for the trail asking her if she would be able to schedule a visit with us and J that evening.  I left the info in the message that we were going to go of town a few days while Matt was off to get our mind off the long wait we still had until the 21st.  I said if we could see her Wed. afternoon and Monday we would be okay to make it until the 21st with just those two visits.

I didn't get a quick response so I checked as we got home.  Still no response.  Then I remembered that she was going out of town that afternoon so I knew a visit with her picking J up and meeting at the office wasn't going to work.  I figured we could probably pick J up again and maybe the supervisor would be able to open a room up for us to meet there still.  I knew our case worker wasn't going out of town until late in the afternoon though so still thought she would contact me.

As I got out of the shower I saw I had a missed call from the agency office.  I assumed it would be A, the case worker but the voice mail was actually from the adoption supervisor.  I didn't think much of it until I heard the voice mail asking us if we could come in to the office, today if possible.

I knew.

I knew it was over.

I had only missed her call by a few minutes and tried calling back but kept getting her voice mail.  I rang back to the receptionist a few times and finally got through to her.  She told me that A had to go out of town and that before she left, she had a conversation with J last night.  She wanted us to come in so she could tell us about that conversation.

I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was something like- just tell me, it's over isn't it?  She wouldn't tell me and I told her I had to know before I came up there.  At this point I am so completely upset crying and all she is saying is, "Amber is Matt there"  I said yes, but kept crying and couldn't move. After several times of her asking to talk to Matt I said he was asleep but hold on, I'll go get him.

I didn't want to come upstairs, open our door, and wake him up.  I didn't want this to be real.  How could this really be happening?  How?

I opened the door and turned on the light.  Since he had only been asleep for about 2 or 3 hours he sat up confused.  I was standing in my towel still and my face covered in tears.  I said, "It's Maggie, it's over".  I collapsed on the floor and he left the room to talk to her.

As we later talked about it, he told her that I was a mess and that she needed to tell him what was going on because there was no way he could get both of us out of the house.

She told him that J had talked with the caseworker and has now decided to parent.

When Matt came back in, he asked if I wanted to stay home.  He said he would just go up there and talk to her.  I couldn't move and had my eyes covered tightly with my hands.  I didn't want to look out at the world again.  I didn't want to see any of this happening before me.  I was sobbing and just kept saying, " I promised everyone it would be okay, I promised everyone"

So many of our friends and family had been worried about J taking Jolie home for a few days/ weeks.  We told them over and over that we strongly feel she was still on board with the plan.  I got mad at them for not trusting us on this! I said we spent the time with her over the past few weeks and the days together at the hospital.  We were the ones who knew her, not them!

Finally, I was able to get up, find something to wear besides my towel.  (Again, I was at a loss for what to wear.  What do you wear to a meeting to hear your heart shatter?)  Since I had just showered, there was no need for any makeup.

I called my mom at work and asked her through tears if she could come get B.  She was able to come right over and take him.  I told her not to tell him (or anyone else) anything and did my best to hold up in front of him for now.

I know my mom's heart was just as sad for us.   A few minutes later, we were on the road to the office.  I was feeling a little irritated that we had to drive all the way there just to have them tell us the bad news.  We had spent so much money lately on things related to this that I didn't feel like this was necessary to go up there.


  1. I still so hate that this is how your journey to open adoption has gone. I am so hopeful, however, that God still has big plans for your family. I know it is so hard to believe that right now, but I feel certain that this is the case. Hang in there...........

  2. :-(

    The last thing you need to worry about is what others are thinking-- you promised everyone that it would be okay because YOU felt in your heart of hearts that it WOULD be okay.

    You live and you learn. J gave you every reason to believe that she could place the baby with you-- you can't do anything about her choice to parent.

    I think there were red flags all along the route, but as you said, you guys were the ones who knew her best and you had to trust your instincts.

    This experience WILL leave you more guarded, how could it not? You will be more cautious and probably won't be as open again, and that's okay. You have to do what's best for you and your family.

    Just look at the side of your blog... all the things that you guys did with J. Those are not the norm. Most matches happen and there might be some meetings (usually a case worker is ALWAYS present), but that's it. You guys seriously invested yourselves and should not and cannot be faulted for that. You took a leap of faith and placed a lot of trust in J.

    I think it's always important to remember that until an e-mom signs over her rights to parent, and the risk period is over, she CAN changer her mind at any time. It's so hard to remember that when there's a match and you're eagerly waiting for all your hopes and dreams to come true, especially if your wait for a baby has been a long, painful road.

    I know that you'll get through this. Each day will get better and you WILL (I pray) move forward to find your baby. Take this whole experience as a learning lesson. A very painful one, but try to learn from it.

    I think just by blogging about it, you're helping so many people and are helping more than you might realize. I'm just so terribly sorry that you had to go through it.


  3. "What do you wear to a meeting to hear your heart shatter?" :( :( :( :(
    Thinking so much about you guys.