Sunday, June 24, 2012

Up and Downs

Friday was my birthday.  We had planned on this being our first full day as parents to Jolie and would celebrate in another state waiting for ICPC.  Instead, we tried to make some other plans for us and I was hoping I would still be able to enjoy the day. 

Our day started off by heading uptown to eat at one of my favorite sandwich shops.  We stopped at Target where Matt and I both got a new CD.  Just before we left town I had a call from a flower shop that they had a delivery for me.  I said we would just stop and pick it up on our way home.  It was from my FIL and my husband's step mom.  We came home and I decided to try to make some cupcakes for my friends for later that night when we were getting together.  My sister and her husband were on their way from out of town.

Just as I was ready to pop them in the oven, we discovered our oven wasn't working!  I had also planned to put a dish in after the cupcakes that  a friend had made for me the night before (Thank you Laura!!!)  before we headed to B's baseball game.  I am so blessed and have a grandma who was more than happy to preheat her oven for me as I ran the stuff over to her.

She put the dinner in and then was going to bake the cake.  Matt ran over to grab the dinner when it was finished just before my sister and husband arrived.  My sister ate a little with us and joined us at the ball game.  The night was beautiful for a game. 

I had sent a last minute message earlier that day to several friends to join us a the local brewery after the game.  My grandma took B home after the game and several of my friends stopped in.  We had a great time, even though there was no cupcakes! I have some super great friends and family and they made me feel so good.  It was so nice to have them there.  I felt so loved and supported.

After we left there a few girls and my BIL and sister came back to our house where we sat outside a little longer.  It was just a beautiful night!

The following day 3 of the girls from the night before (one being my sissy) joined me for a pedicure.  We had 2 hours full of fun and laughter.  We decided the only way to get pedis is to get them in a group!

It was great to have my sister in town for the weekend too.  We were able to spend lots of time together.  I'm so glad that we have gotten closer than ever over the last few years. 

I can honestly say that I felt good.  Thursday night, Friday, Saturday I really did feel good.  I had maybe only one or two times where I felt a little sad.  I really did feel full of happiness again however.

Sunday, today, was not so good.  I'm not exactly sure what started it.  Part of it was that we didn't go to church.  When Matt gets home from work on Sundays we always go to church together before he goes to bed for the day.  He was super swamped last night and really just wanted to go to bed.  I'm okay for just B and I to go but he didn't like that today.  He wanted us all to go or all to stay.  I knew he was so tired, and my sister and BIL were still here anyways so I just said we would stay.  I regretted it almost instantly and should have just gone.  Then I said since I was up, I would go for a run since it was early.  Hello humidity.  I am new to this whole running thing and can't even call myself a "runner" yet.  I am signed up to do my first 5K next Saturday.  I have really struggled with the hot humid days.  The past two weeks with all of this stuff, I haven't been out very much and probably won't make my goal now of running the whole thing.  I didn't care what my time was (it's not timed anyways) I just wanted to run all of it.

My sister and hubs were packing up to leave and Matt finally got to get to bed.  I pouted on the couch a little and read for a while.  I was hot, I couldn't get back to sleep. I made B some cereal and he hung out watching tv for a while.  I got up to take a shower and that didn't help.  I felt so down, so sad, so unmotivated to do anything.  All I wanted to do was go back to bed.  I hated this day.  B and I played a game of Monopoly Jr. He made himself some lunch (he loves to do that) and I ate 1/2 can of spaghetti o's I bought for myself the other day (feeling sorry for myself at the store, thinking these will be such good comfort, really? I can't believe I ever liked these?  Bigger letdown for the day)  B played on the computer in the chair by me and I tied to get to sleep on the couch.  I felt like a loser mom making my son play by him self for the majority of the day. 

Later when Matt came out I was still feeling stressed and couldn't convey this to him correctly.  I told him I was sad, stressed, worried but I couldn't tell him why.  I didn't know why.  It was just an overwhelming feeling through out the whole day.  I don't think he "got it" since I had been good the past few days and that irritated me more.  I was stressed about needing to figure out what I am going to do for a job ( I am out of paid leave, something needs to be done ASAP) and I was thinking about tomorrow being Monday and Jolie will be 3 weeks old. 

Am I forever going to hate Mondays as a reminder of her? Will I think of her every Monday and try to think about how many weeks she is and how big she is getting? 

B goes to art camp this week and I have another counseling appointment on Thursday.  I won't be able to sleep til 10-11 with him having camp so I hopefully get some other things done.  B has games M-W-F night and I hope to get the baby things that I packed away taken out to storage at Matt's moms.  I have 6 tubs plus things like the bathtub, etc. to take out there.

I feel like I have been a bad friend to my friends.  I have only been thinking about myself and our family and problems and not talking to any of my friends. I  know they are going through things with their relationships, health, and more but I feel so consumed by my situation.  

Ugh, hoping tomorrow is a better day. 


  1. Hang in there, girl! The ups and downs are normal. I'm here. Let me know how I can help. You're NOT a bad mom OR a bad friend, so stop that right now!! I think B had a great time at art camp. He is excited to "swap" art with S and his other buddies tomorrow.!

  2. I'm glad to hear you have such great support. And thanks so much for sharing your story through this with all of us.

  3. I think you'll think of Jolie often, probably on Mondays and then one day, you'll just stop being consumed by it. You'll still think of her and miss her, but the pain will dissapate and you'll get to a better place.

    When you do get to your better place, you'll realize that there is a baby out there for you to find, and you'll pick back up again.

    You'll NEVER forget her. Just like a birth mother never forgets about her child. I think this experience is so valuable (painful, but there's something to be gained). I think when you do get matched again and the day arrives that you become parents to another child, you'll remember the pain you're feeling about Jolie and realize that your child's birth mom will be going through the same (maybe worse) pain as you.

    I think it'll make you a more compassionate mother and will shape how your relationship will unfold with your birth mom.

    Your friends understand what you're going through. They don't expect you to "just snap out of it and be fine." You have to think about yourself and I'm sure they understand you not talking to them as much.

    Give yourself some time to grieve. Be sad. Cry. Sleep. You're not a bad mom... you're taking care of yourself. The sooner you do, the sooner you'll be back to good and starting to find the happy again.

    HUGS. I hope tomorrow is a better day too.

    PS- Happy Belated Birthday! <3