Wednesday, June 20, 2012

The call - part 2

We rode most of the way there in silence.  I cried a little but it just didn't feel real.  I couldn't believe after how good things went that we were making this trip.  I didn't really care why at the time, but am glad we were able to hear her reason for having the change of heart once we arrived at the office.

When we were a few blocks away, Matt called the supervisor and told her we were almost there.  She said she would meet us at the side door.  That almost made me feel worse.  Things were so bad we couldn't walk through the lobby and reception area???

She had told Matt on the phone that yes, J had had a change of heart.  As we sat down she said that our case worker had to go to DC that morning (which we knew) and that J had called A the night before.  She told her that she was going to parent because her husband told her she could keep the baby now. (Not his baby). The adoption supervisor had said she would call us to come in because she didn't want the case worker to tell us the news over the phone.

She was able to answer some of our questions but some we had to wait until A got back from DC.  The supervisor  told us that J had wanted to call us herself but that they told her no.  She asked if we wanted to see J and baby one more time to tell her goodbye or if they wanted us to tell her not to contact us.

As we left the office, we left it with we will think about seeing her to say good bye and don't tell her anything about contacting us.  I was curious to see if she would or not. I had never thought of having a chance to say good bye to Jolie so I was a little interested in this option.  One more time to tell her we loved her, always will and will always pray for her.

I ended up being glad we did go in because it gave us a chance to vent a little.  The agencies policy is that we go inactive for a while after a change of heart but there is not set time limit.  When we feel like we are ready to go back in and be able to give ourselves to a birth mom again, we can call them.

Once we left the office, we headed home.  I cried a lot on the way home.  We discussed trying to get in to see our counselor friend or our pastor but ended up driving straight back to our son.  We had plans to pack up our stuff and hit the road for a few days.

I called my mom who had taken B home and asked her to meet us back at our house at 2.  I vaguely remember Matt calling his mom and she was over at his aunt's house telling her.  I don't remember this very clearly.  He must have called her on the way up or text her or something.  I remember that when his mom passed the phone to his aunt he started crying.  He commented how he could talk to his mom but couldn't hold up when he talked to her.

We stopped at my grandparents ( I am super close to them).  I called to make sure my grandpa was home and he was.  I told them in my big girl-everything is okay- voice that we were going to stop over.  They didn't suspect anything.  As we walked in, I hollered "hello"  they came walking towards us and had no idea.  These were the two who were the most in fear of J taking the baby home.  As soon as they saw me, they knew something was wrong.  I don't remember who said what first, Matt or I but I was worried for a second it might kill one of them on the spot..  I know they love me so very much and want nothing more than to see my happiness and my dreams come true.

They didn't take it well but I won't go in to details with that!

Once we got home, I don't really remember telling B.  I know he didn't get as upset as we thought. I think he is still to young for that much sadness.  He did have his finger in his eye and tell us "I'm not crying, my eye just hurts".  I know he was sad, but think the concept was too much for him.  He was more upset about her not keeping her word.  He said, "she said she wanted to adopt and now she's now".

We tried to tell him how much she loved Jolie and wanted to be a mommy herself to her.  She just loved her so much that she couldn't do it.

He was suddenly cheered when we told him we were going to go to Great Wo.lf Lodge.  He had wanted to go there forever.  We threw stuff in a bag, called to get an overpriced reservation, transfered some money and headed to KC.

There were so many reminders during our whole trip there of J, baby Jolie, or A.  Jolie sneezed so many times at the hospital and so many people were sneezing at GWL.  There were so many cute babies and little girls my heart broke each time I knew we were not going to be carrying one in our arms anytime soon.  All of the little swimsuits and things I had ready for our summer baby were soon going to be packed away.

As much as we tried to forget about it for awhile the heartache remained.  There were hispanic families all around us that reminded us of them.  I longingly look into all of the dark brown eyes of each little girl I saw.  I tried to imagine if Jolie would look like them as she got older.  At one point, I sat in the hot tub while Matt and B were on the slides and cried.  I didn't care that people were looking at me.  I had my legs pulled up to my chest, my head down on my knees and let the tears fall.

We did receive a text message a few hours after arriving from J.  It said, "I hope you guys are doing okay :("
No, we are not doing okay.  I am not going to respond to that message right now J because that was a stupid question.

Later that night at 1115 we got another text.  It said " hope you guys aren't mad at me, sorry for everything, never ment to hurt  u, am really sorry, i love my two kids and my husband".

Okay, I figured I would respond now since I had left her hanging a few hours from the first one.  I wanted to it gracefully but yet let her know were were not okay. 

I wrote:  J, we are completely heart broken.  We are in so much pain right now.  We don't think you did this to hurt us but wish we would have known sooner.  B and the rest of our  family was devastated (she was always so big on meeting our extended family) We understand your wanting to parent Jolie, and don't hold that against you.  Being parents is the most important thing to us and you are the only one who can make the decision for what is best for her.  Everytime I look around I am reminded of you, her, or A and it hurts.  It means so much to us that you would choose us but right now we are really having a hard time and will always love sweet baby Jolie  and never forget our time together with you.

And she responded:  you can still see jolie, for me you guys are the second parents, you can come anytime and see her I will never take that away u guys were the sweetest persons i ever met and if you like u can see jolie.  she is like you guys little girl too. I know you guys are broken  i am too cuz i know i hurt good people and am not like that. i wich i could do anything for you guys, sorry am really sorry.

I did not respond. I was trying my best to remember to show grace in the situation and I didn't think I could do that if we kept texting.

I felt like the world was smiling and moving fast and no one knew I was in pain.  I tried my best to have fun with B, and of course I did laugh while we were there but as I stood in line and other parents looked around and smiled I had to fight back the urge to tell them I wasn't really happy.  I wanted to know that while they stood there smiling and on vacation, I was in pain. Of course, I didn't do that, but I don't think I smiled much at all.  I am usually a little picture taking obsessive but I kept asking B if he wanted his picture here, there, or by that.... he usually said no (takes after his dad) and instead of insisting as I usually would I didn't even care.  This was not a trip I ever wanted to look back on and remember.

I dreaded going back home and the real pain.  We made it back though and I felt surrounded by the love of our family and friends.  Some friends had cleaned my house, did my laundry, and stocked us up with groceries.  Some others are bringing a couple meals.  Of course I said no at first, but as we have been home a few days, I could care less about getting up to cook.  The last two days have not been good for me.  I don't want people looking at me.  I don't want to go outside. I haven't been able to talk to anyone, let alone my closest friends who knew up to the minute details the whole time.  I hurt so bad that I can't seem to think of trying to talk about it.

The messages we have gotten are so appreciated.  The texts and facebook messages, along with your blog comments have been such a joy to read.  I have not really responded to any of the ones at home, but I read each one and am truly touched.



    I hope you have had a chance to go talk to a pastor or counselor. You've got a lot that you're dealing with and it might be helpful to talk to someone who's not directly involved (for an unbiased opinion).

    I wish I could take the hurt away. It will make you stronger. I know it's not what you want and it's not fair.

    I've got tears in my eyes from reading this. It's a crappy hand that you were given, and I'm so sorry.

    You've got to allow yourselves to grieve. This is a death and you've lost a lot. You had dreams and hopes and it's all gone. I pray that God will heal your hearts.