Thursday, May 31, 2012

The "un"official date

I've sat here for over an hour wasting time on the web instead of writing this post.  I have cried so much today and my emotions are just overwhelming.  (Don't worry, it's not bad bad news...just not the best)

I'll start with the good- the doctors office was really slow today compared to usual.  I think it was because we were so anxious to find out if he would give her an induction date he promised last week.  She commented that she hopes he sends her today.  We talked about hopefully it will be by tomorrow and some of the things we will tell him.

When he got in he said he would do heartbeat and measure and then check her if she wanted.  She said yes of course and guess what?   No change! Still at a 2.  He said he would go talk to the other dr. and see about getting her a date for next week.  I think we were both bummed that it would not be tomorrow (friday).  I thought he was going to come back and say later in the week but she thought it was going to be Monday or Tuesday.

She was right! Monday at 6:30.  We were happy and excited!  Friday was our first choice, but we will take Monday!!  That is if she makes it through tomorrow and the weekend.

Now...for the talk she wanted to have at lunch.

She didn't bring up anything that the CW thought it might be. She didn't talk about the hospital stay and me staying in the room with her.

I have told you how she wants to take the baby home for a few days or a week she said.  I wanted to take the baby home so much from the hospital but was okay with her spending those few days with her.  It will only be  a few days I told myself.  She said a few days or a week but kept asking the case worker if she will come get the baby if she calls.  The CW didn't think she would keep her for more than a day or two.

Today, she said she wants to take her home with her until she goes back to work in two weeks.  This is so hard for me.  I don't want to rush their time together or the time that she needs.  Her reasoning is that she doesn't think she will have much time to see the baby after she goes back to work.  (She works 7 days a week, 8-12 hours a day)

My biggest concern is the bonding time with us.  I have all of my baby wearing wraps ready so I (we)can do as much skin to skin/ baby wearing as possible with her.  This is why we are not having visitors (even family) for several weeks and why we don't want people holding her either.  We want to concentrate on her learning our voices, our scent etc. 

My secondary feelings are how much she will have changed in two weeks.  Also, our time in her birth state can't start for ICPC until we get the baby.  This means... hospital during birth/ stay and then come home, wait for her to call again, and then go back to birth state to find a hotel (during the college world series hotel sell out double price rooms season) to wait for paperwork to be finished.  We do have a friend who plan to stay with but want to do our first week in a hotel by ourselves.  I only have three weeks of paid va-ca from work.  I can't take a week off, ask to go back for 2, then take 5 more weeks off.  They had my replacement this week start training with me and I can't just come and go now. 

She said she wants us involved during that time and wants to still do things with us but that could be awkward.  If we go out, I don't want it to be like "are you the mom" or "am I the mom".  I know that probably doesn't matter, but I think I will feel unsure of what to do .  On the other hand, I don't just want to say call me when you are ready and we will come pick her up because if she wants me around I want to be there as much as I can to have that opportunity to hold her/ bond with her.

I am so torn up about this.  I feel selfish for wanting her as soon as possible but even the case worker has concerns about why she didn't bring this up to her the day before we they specifically talked about baby being with her for 5 days until she signs.  She is wondering if this has something to do with her being lonely since husband is gone out of town for work now or her friends that want to see the baby (that don't know about the adoption plan)  CW was going to call her tonight and try to meet with her tomorrow.

The next crappy part was she asked me for $150 to help get their car fixed.  I had worried about this before when she had to quit working due to her doctors note and was struggling.  I felt so guilty and that I wanted in my heart to offer her money but knew I can't cross that line and also that it is not legal.  The CW had told her a while back if she needed anything to just ask her and she did ask for laundry soap and diapers a few times.  She had never asked her for $ so she didn't think she would ask me. 

She told me that her husband C wanted her to ask us because it is their only way of transportation and that they would pay it back.  I hated this! I told her that I would have to check with CW because they talked to us in training about it and that I think it's against the law that we can't do it.  I felt like I was squirming and felt completely terrible that I wasn't helping her.

After lunch, I dropped her off at P's apartment.  He was watching A for her while we ate.  I could hardly make it to the car fast enough without my eyes welling up with tears.  I called the CW as soon as I was a few blocks away and had to pull over so I could cry.

I hate this. This isn't what I want. I don't want her to ask me for money. I don't want to tell her no. I don't want to be in that position.  What if she asks again? next year, in two years, in five years? How do I handle that?  How can I not give her money to fix her car when she is "giving " us a baby? Isn't she going to resent me for that? I don't want her to take the baby home for 2 weeks. I want to snuggle with our teeny tiny baby. I don't want to stay in the birth state for two weeks. I want to bring the baby HOME to her little pink and white room.

I told her that if she is wanting to change her mind about the adoption to just let us know.  She said she still is doing it. I said but when the baby is 3 days old and you decide you just can't do it...please let us know. 

I very strongly feel that she is not going to have a change of heart. I very strongly feel that she going to stay with her plan for the adoption.  I am not fearful of that. 

I am so tired. So emotional. So exhausted.  So ready... for this to get her and for this other stuff to be over.  I want to start living our new normal (with J being a part of that)

I don't know if I included everything on here but I'm just too tired to write more.  I've stated the main parts.  I'll update after I hear from CW if they are able to meet tomorrow.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Car Problems, and more...

Saturday evening (after we had met for lunch that day) I found out that J's car had broken down.  She ended up asking if there was any way I could come and get them and give them a ride home (and their laundry- they had been doing that since we left from lunch)

I was planning to go out with a few girlfriends (I'd sat home the past two weekends on baby watch and thought if I went out and had a drink I would get the baby call!)  so I was going to be fairly close to where they were.

 We loaded up everything in my car and I dropped off J, P, and A at P's apartment.  J's husband C was at work and would come get them later.  J was worried about how she would get to her appointments because she thought the car was done for.

I told her not to worry and that we will get it worked out.  On Monday night she text to see if there was any way I could take her to her weekly pregnancy counseling appointment.  We set up the time via text.  I talked to the case worker later to make sure it was okay and she called J on Tuesday to check in with her.  She told her that she could just pick her up since she is only a few minutes away and that way I didn't have to come to town twice.

J was fine with that but I was disappointed because I can't handle working anymore!! I was looking forward to the getting out for a little bit instead of staying for a full day at work.  Really though, I need to save my days so it was okay.

We do have plans for me to pick her up tomorrow for the doctors appointment.  She text me earlier tonight to see what time I was going to pick her up.  I asked her if she was getting excited and she said yes, she hopes they send her to the hospital (for the induction) Friday.  I agreed :)

I asked her if she wants Matt to come or if she cares if he stays home to sleep in case they do send her Fri.  She was fine with him staying and told me we will call him with any news.

About a 1/2 hour later, I got a text from her that said something like this:

Is there any way we could have lunch together tomorrow please because there is a lot of things we need to talk about but only me and you that is if you can.

I told her sure, that it was not a problem and asked if things were okay.

She said "yea just before the baby is born so we could talk about it:

I that is fine and she can pick the place and we will talk after the appointment.

Then I called the case worker of course.

I asked her if she knew what J was wanting to talk about tomorrow.  Did anything come up in counseling today?  She seemed really stumped and said things went well.  She had no idea what it is.  CW said things went good.  The only thing is that they did discuss delivery and the hospital stay.  She thinks J is really scared of being alone.  They talked about us getting another room if available on the floor and she asked if I would stay with her (in her room).  CW told us how she is also worried because C took a job where he is out of town all week and only home on Saturday and she things she is worried about getting to the hospital and what they will do with A as well.

I told the CW that I am okay to stay in the room with her, but it is def. not what I was planning.  I don't mind helping her and being in the room but I don't want to be on top of her either.  The CW thinks having the extra room is nice so you have somewhere to escape too if needed.  Especially since J told us that she thinks some of her co-workers are coming to the hospital to see the baby (and don't know about the adoption plan-- did I tell you this? I asked if she still wanted us there when I found out about them coming and she said oh, yes.  I asked if they would wonder who these white people were?  She said they don't speak English so it will be fine and they don't need to know her business.  I don't quite get that)

If this is what she wants to talk to me about, I'm sure she doesn't want Matt to stay in the room too since she is really modest around men.  So, then where would Matt go?  home?  I thought we would either have an extra room or go to a hotel if they didn't have one. 

CW also said that J did bring up the part about me bringing up changing the name we have picked out.  I asked if she is still okay with the original name we had and CW told me that she loves it.  That makes me feel really good that J does love it.  I used to love it... and I still do (I think :)  )  I am totally fine with keeping it with what we originally planned.

I am more than excited to find out the date for induction.  If the doctor says anything longer than Monday I am going to pull his hair.  I was going to punch him, but I think that might be extreme. 

I will let you know our date and what the "talk" was about.  It's almost here!!!

Tuesday, May 29, 2012


I sit here tonight catching up on blog posts.  I know baby will be here any day and that we are closer than ever.  It could be tonight.  Who knows.  I got a text from Matt at work saying he loves me and can't wait for baby to get here.  I can't either.  I think of it day and night.  I think of it as I fall asleep and as I wake in the mornings.

I am overcome by emotion tonight as I typed some of these last few posts.  I know we have so many loved ones in our small town supporting us as well as friends and family across the country waiting to hear the news. I told my new gal at work today that I think this is the most highly anticipated baby in our county with the number of people who ask me about it each day!

But as I sit here thinking about how very close we are to something we have wanted for such a long time, my heart hurts.  Many of those people mentioned above don't realize that this is still J's baby.  She still has a choice in this.  I want nothing more than her blessing if we come home with this baby.

I sit here each night in anticipation of a phone call I might get or counting the days until the next doctors appointment to give us an update on how much closer we are.

Tonight, as I am dreaming of what our life will be like with this baby (and how quiet my house is at this moment) I am so excited to have her in my arms.  I know it is close. I know she will be here soon.  She is almost so close I can smell her baby soft smell.

But in a town not to far away, baby is still safe in her mommy's tummy.  She is snuggled in and warm, content and safe.  How is her mommy feeling? Is she ready to be done with this? Is she confident she is making the right choice? Is she savoring the last few days or hours she has before she makes a decision that will change her life?  Is she ready for this?

My heart hurts for us both.  The day is near.

Entrustment Ceremony

About two weeks ago the case worker told me that J was interested in having an entrustment ceremony.  I was surprised that this is something she would want to do, but I don't know why.  I am more than excited because I love the special meaning of this.

I asked the CW last week if they had talked about it any more to find out what J was interested in.  She said that she told her she didn't want it at a church but just at the agency office (they usually do them in the chapel they have there).  CW said that they usually do them after signing the papers.  They discussed who they would have there and J thought it would just be her there for her support.  The CW told her they needed to decide who she would like us to have since we have a big family and J told her that we could have our parents. 

After talking to Matt about this, we have decided that we would just like to have it be us ( and B).  We feel like this will be a really emotional time and would just like to concentrate on how special it is.

The CW said that she will read something and then J can say something if she wants (she doesn't think she will) and that we can say something if we want.  I really would like to but know I will be a bawlin' mess.  I would like to try to get something down on paper though. 

I would really like something special for us to make at the ceremony as well however.  I have been searching for a few days and can't come up with much.  Once thing I saw a few years ago was the two families did their handprints around the baby's on a canvas and used this in the baby's room.  Is there any other similar ideas out there for some sort of "keepsake" to create at this special moment?

I also plan to find a necklace to give J at this with two birthstones on it.  One for baby and one for her son A.

Any suggestions or advice?

Feelings of Uncertainty

This afternoon I had a strong feeling of uncertainty come over me.  I am stopped by 5-10 people each day asking about the baby.  I have told the story over and over and given them the info on when we will get the induction date and if we make it to then blah blah blah....

It is setting in that in possibly less than a week the sweet baby will be here.  Am I ready for this? Can I do this again? I have a 7 year old.  Life is good right now.  I tell him to get his shoes on and lets go and we are out the door in 5 minutes.  We don't have a schedule.  We get up late. We stay up late.  The only thing I have to remember to grab when we go out the door is my glasses.  And most of the time I forget these and have to come back in to get them.

Life is good right now I said.  But I wanted more.  Am I ready to shake life up again?


On Saturday morning I sent J a text telling her I was going to be in the area and asked if she wanted to meet B and I for lunch at the McD playland again.  I filled our pool up outside and was doing some work around the yard while we waited for a response.  B was very excited to be able to go play with A again and he asked me if I could text her again and see if she could meet us.

After a few hours, she replied that they could meet us.  We met up about an hour or so later.  J and her friend P were outside waiting for us with A when  B and I arrived  (can't you understand all those A, B, C's!!??)  As we walked up to their table, A came running over and gave me a big hug.  I loved that!  He is such a sweet little boy. 

We ordered some lunch and the three boys headed in to the play area while J and I waited.  She looked great and relaxed.  Now that she is not currently working, she looks so rested each time I see her compared to before.  I also noticed that she had gotten her hair cut.  It was down her back and is now above her shoulders. She had always had it in a bun each time I have been around her, but this time had it down in back.  Her hair is so curly! 

Our lunch was great.  We were there for about an hour and a half (and that is a long time at a McD).  It wasn't rushed and it was relaxed.  B and A played and the three of us adults sat around watching the boys play.  I did bring up the name issue that I wanted to before and basically, she didn't like the other name I suggested.  She didn't think it went with the middle name (her middle name) that we have selected.  I pretty much dropped it because I do want it to be something she likes as well.  I originally loved the name we have selected, I just think I have completely over analyzed it.

She told me about how she plans to breastfeed when she take the baby home for a few days and then will pump and bring us milk to the hotel.  We were talking about the hospital and P asked if I was nervous.  I said I really wasn't nervous but more excited.  J asked me if I was afraid of seeing blood or if that makes me feel sick.  I said that that didn't bother me and she said something about how the caseworker had told her she is worried I might pass out!  I laughed and told her that I will do a good job!! I said she will be so proud of me when we are done!  She just thinks I'm a nut because I can't ever find my car when we leave the hospital and have to walk around the garage pushing my door lock button!!

It was so nice to be with her and just felt so much more relaxed than ever. 

She made a few comments that I thought were really good signs.  B mentioned that his 1/2 bday is in June and she said, you are going to have a sister in June.  She asked what hotel we would be at so she could bring us milk.  She asked who I wanted to have come to the hospital after the baby is born.  I am pretty confident that she is going to go with the adoption plan and not have a change of heart.  This is her baby however, and I support her in the decision she feels is right.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Work Replacement

My replacement for my job finally arrived on Monday.  I have been training her and introducing her to the families I work with.  I can't concentrate on anything!!! I am so ready to be done with my job and snuggling up with a sweet, sweet baby. 

Dr. Visit, names, and Magic Words

We were called back to the exam room after only a few minutes of waiting.  As I sat in the waiting room for those few short minutes, I wondered to myself if this is the last time I will be in this waiting room.  Will this be our last visit? What if they tell us she has had dilated and we need to get to the hospital because the baby is coming (wishful thinking!!) 

The doctor came in and did his usual quick measure and heartbeat check and things looked good.  He told us that he wants us to come back next week and if we make it to that appointment he will give her a date for induction.  She was 39 weeks yesterday. 

J was very excited to hear those words.  She feels good about getting the date scheduled.  It makes it easier for her to make plans for her son and her husband, her friend P, and for us.  She says that then everyone will not have to be running. 

I am excited for this as well because one of my fears has been I will not make it to the delivery in enough time now that I have this opportunity.  I was asleep when my son was born and am so honored to have this chance. 

I agree that it will be easier but for selfish reasons, it does take some of the "fun" out of pregnancy.  The "call" of when it is time to go, the rush, the excitement etc.  I was hoping for some of that experience as well.

I have also been stressing  about the name they we have decided on.  I loved it at first and was now having second thoughts.  I have shared my thoughts with a few close friends but decided to talk to J about another choice that Matt and I liked.

I chickened out and didn't bring it up.  When we did our profile we agreed to the expecting mom choosing the name.  When we met J, she told us she had a few names but wasn't set on them.  We each shared our names together and later found out from the caseworker she wanted to go with the name we chose.

We also discussed when her and C came for dinner the middle name.  We have decided to use J's middle name for the baby's middle name.

Contractions call

I got a call from J on Monday morning that she was having contractions that were stronger.  She said they were hurting more than the others but were still coming and going.  She wanted to know what she should do.  I know they tell us every visit that when the contractions are so strong that she can't breathe or talk through them and don't go away then it is time to go in. As I was telling her this, we got disconnected. 

I tried to call the caseworker to get her opinion and she agreed with me.  J just didn't sound like she was feeling well so we were concerned since we couldn't get a hold of her. We both tried texting and calling her but was not getting a response. 

The case worker didn't want to stop in at her house unexpected but said we would give it a little more time.  (She is in the same town as her)

As the case worker was just leaving to finally go drive by the house and see if someone was with her at least, she called back.

J said she was sorry that she had gone to her friends and didn't take her charger with her and that her phone was on vibrate. 

Three hours of worry!!!

She was feeling better and the case worker and I were able to laugh about it later.  :)

Doctor's Appointment

On May 17th we met back up at the dr. again.  I never thought we would still be making it to the dr. visits after what we had a few weeks ago and the nurses thinking we wouldn't make it through the first weekend of the false alarm.

This time we saw a nurse practitioner we had not seen before.  She asked a few simple questions that the others had not before but none seemed significant.  It seemed she was just reading through her chart on the computer and asking random questions.  Towards the end, her comment about floored me. 

As she was reading, she asked J, "are you still planning to give the baby up?" 

J didn't miss a beat and I didn't think she was offended and said, "yes, and this is the adoptive mom"

The nurse said "oh, great" and smiled at me. 

The PC stuff is really getting to me.  Is it over the top or appropriate? 

I correct my mom every time on this one and have friends as well who don't seem to "get it". 

I know some of my readers have had struggles on it and I would love to hear some more opinions on this.

We were told to come back in a week- J had had no change and was still dilated at a 2.

L & D Tour

The case worker had called me to tell me that J wanted to do a tour now of L and  D.  I had offered to go with her previously and told her to let me know if she wanted to go on one.  The case worker found it a little funny that she was wanting to go on one now that she had already had two false alarms and been to the floor already.  She said that J wanted both her (caseworker) and I to go.

We arranged it for a few days later and I met them both at the agency office.  We rode together in the case workers vehicle and had some chit chat on the way there. 

{I do not plan to use this blog as a format to voice any complaints in my personal journey with the agency or the caseworker.  I do fell like certain issues were bothering me during this time with how a few things were handled however.  The point is, our regular case worker was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and we have a fill in during this time}

I don't remember doing a tour with we had B so I didn't really know what to expect.  After we checked in at the nurses station, we waited for our turn in the lobby.  When the nurse came out to get us she asked who was having the baby.  We pointed towards J and she greeted her very nicely.  No other introductions were made however.  She asked J when she was due and when she told her "any day", the nurse replied with, "are you sure about that, you are so tiny- you must have a really tiny baby in there".  I was thinking that was a bit rude, and as a matter of she is not sure on an exact due date but thanks for adding your two cents nursey.

The tour was pretty basic I'm sure. She took us in the different rooms, pointed out different features they offer, talked about the upgrades they have recently done etc.  She went on and on about how they encourage all of the moms to keep the babies in the room at all times and to breastfeed and that they will send someone in to help with breastfeeding.  At this point, I felt really awkward.  During the breastfeeding discussion, case worker and I had been looking at something else in the room but I quickly focused back on what the nurse was saying to J.  J looked at me and said "it's okay" but I'm not really sure what she was meaning by that.  I felt awkward because our case worker had not mentioned that we were a possible adoption and was worried for how J might be feeling.

I know case worker had previously talked to J during counseling about breast feeding and she told me that J looked at her like she thought she was crazy.

The only question J asked during the tour was what kind of formula they give the babies.  The nurse responded that they do encourage the moms to at least try breast feeding first but have either S or E formula.  She said if she is on WIC that they often give S because that is what they are currently using.

After the tour the case worker asked J as we were walking down the halls if she had changed her mind about BF.  Her answer was a bit hard to understand, but she did sound like she was going to try it and pump some.  She said her breasts had been hurting and leaking already.

After we left the office, I called case worker to see what she thought of the tour.  I really was wanting to know if she would say anything about not telling the nurse about the adoption.  Her reasoning was that this is most likely not going to be the nurse that J has and she wants J to be treated normal on the tour.  I can understand that but I did feel like the nurse could have told us more info or possibly not have said some things that might have made J feel uncomfortable.

Caseworker also thought that maybe J was just saying those things to the nurse about BF because she felt pressure.  She said she would talk more to her about it in a future counseling session.

Monday, May 21, 2012

2nd False Alarm

Just a couple of days after our first false alarm (where the nurses said baby would probably arrive by the weekend) I got a call from J in the am.  It was Saturday and I was trying to figure out what I was going to do with my day. B had a party to attend later in the afternoon but I didn't have anything major going that day.  She called to tell me that she thinks she is going to go to the hospital in a little while.  The contractions are stronger and still coming quickly.  She said she would call me when she is leaving.  I continued getting ready, putting my make up on etc... deciding what shirt I should wear to go have a baby.......that type of stuff.  I loaded my bags in the car again (side note, one of them is the bag of goodies for her for the hospital that had a bag of Dove chocolates....took about 3 days before I brought the bag in from the car so darn it! I'll have to eat those melted Dove's myself now!!)  Just as I was pretty much finished, she called to say that if I wanted to leave I could go and they would meet me there.  They are probably only about 10 minutes or less from the hospital.  I am about 30 minutes. 

I told Matt I would call him with news(he had worked the night before and was trying to get some sleep) and B was leaving shortly with a grandma to get dropped off at a birthday party.  I was so much calmer this time!  I tried to make some calls as soon as I got on the interstate (my mom, Matt's mom, etc.) to let our loved ones know I was going up again when I saw a state trooper in my rear view mirror.  I hung up the phone and was a little crabby that I was not going to be able to make the handful of other calls and now was required to drive the speed limit!  The trooper passed me after a few minutes and I carried on with my business.

I was able to find the hospital and the parking so much easier this time in the daylight!  J had said she would meet me at ER so I headed that way.  I actually got there a few minutes before them and waited outside.  Her husband dropped her off out front and I helped her in to the desk.  She looked like she was in pain and I was thinking this was really going to be it!  The wheelchair pushing guy- who was way too cute for this type of job arrived and we were on our way to the L & D floor.

Once we got to the room, J changed and the nurse took her vitals.  She told us the dr. would be in shortly.  As I watched on the monitor, I could tell that her contractions were not as big as the few days previous.  I started to think that this might not be the day.  The doctor arrived and after doing a check, told us that she was still dilated to a 2 and therefore had no change since Wed.  J had said that she thought her water had been leaking so they did test for that which came back negative.  They didn't even have us walk or anything, just told her to rest and sent her home with a new prescription for some pain meds.

As we left, I brought it up to her again if she would feel up to meeting my sister who was in town for lunch.  I told her that I totally understood if she didn't feel like it but she was acting like she felt better.  She said that she felt like it and seemed happy to be going.

My sister happened to be out shopping with my mom and my aunt (my step dad's sister... I had not met her before)  so we met all three of them at a pizza place in the downtown area that J had never been to.  She was quiet at first but by the time lunch was over she was laughing and talking more.  She seemed to have enjoyed herself.  I laugh as I think of  how she ordered pizza with jalapeno's and an order of hot wings!!

My sister took a great picture of the two of us that I might post in the future.  I love it.  She doesn't smile much in the pics we have taken but this one shows her little baby belly and she has a hint of a smile.

Later that night, several of our family went to a local winery to spend some time getting to know my step dad's sister and her husband who were visiting from CA.  We had a great time visiting and my aunt had brought a very special gift with her for me.  About two weeks before she heard we were having a girl, she found her Christening gown from when she was a little girl packed away.  She did not ever have any children, and her sister did not have any girls either.  My step dad has a daughter but marriage does not appear to be in her near future.  Aunt had had this delicate little dress professionally cleaned and boxed for me.  It has the little ruffle bloomers and bonnet with it.  It is just so beautiful and such a treasure that she would pass it down to me after 47 years.  I was honored that she would think of doing that.  I will post a picture of that soon.  I can't wait to hang it up in little girls room.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Dr. Visit

May 10 is Mother's Day in Mexico.  J told me this the night before as we were driving after leaving the hospital.  I had said shortly after we were selected and learned of the due date that it would be cool if the baby came on Mother's Day to represent the two moms.  When J told me about Mexican Mother's Day, I thougth that would be even cooler.  I was really hoping for a baby now!  I brought some flowers and a card with me when I picked J up the next day (May 10) I gave her a big hug and told her Happy Mother's Day!

After our late night, I picked up J at her house to take her to her regular scheduled Dr. apt.  This was going to be her second time to see the dr. (usually the nurse pract.)  We told him about the night before at the hospital.  He checked her and said she was still dilated to a 2 and 40 % effaced.  He recommended that she rest and drink lots of water.  She told him that she needed to work and could not afford to be off of work.  He gave us the speech about how they don't induce unless there is a medical reason and that J did not have any issues at this point to warrant an induction.  She is worried about working with being in so much pain and having to stand for her whole shift.  The dr. said it could be that afternoon, that night, or over the weekend.  We told her that she could take Tylenol for her pain. 

When we left, J was not happy about the Dr. telling her to take tylenol.  She said that that is why she wanted a woman dr. because they are more sympathetic.  She told me that her mom was worried about her.  This was the same week she delivered her son 37 and you can tell she is really frustrated they will not induce her.

I understand that the dr. just can't do that but I struggle with it emotionally because I see the pain she is in.  I think she also wants an end to this due to the pressure she is getting from her family to place the baby with them instead.  After we left the dr, I took her through the drive through for lunch for her and her son A who was with us.  She told me that she is not speaking to her sister and that her sister had told her if she does the adoption she can never get her baby back but if she gives the baby back she can have the baby back later if she changes her mind.  All of her family is several states away so at least they are not here in her face giving her all of this pressure.

As I dropped her off at home,I told her that I hoped to see her soon over the weekend for a baby.  I really want to see her out of pain.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Adoption Fundraiser

Matt and I are so tickled to have been CHOSEN as the feature family during the month of May by Worthy of The Prize and Cap Creations. It is such an honor to have them share our story and the fundraising opportunities they provide for families trying to manage the cost of adoption.

First I want to tell you about the beautiful jewelry you can find at Cap Creations.  I think you could cover almost all of your holiday shopping through their shop.  $10 from every CHOSEN necklace purchased in May goes towards our agency expenses.  So amazing!

The next opportunity I want to share is the Chosen Child Adoption Bands designed by 517 Creations found in the Worthy of the Prize Shop.  All the proceeds from these key chains go to our agency expenses as well.  Worthy of the Prize is a blog dedicated to "help you reach your full potential in Christ, no matter where you are on your journey".  

If you feel it in your heart to help support us by making a purchase, visit one of the sites above.  We truly thank you from the bottom of our hearts! If it is something you might be interested in doing for your adoption in the future- contact them today to see what months are still open.  The products are darling and it couldn't be easier to spread the word to friends, family, and loved ones!

False Alarm #1

Last Wednesday I was on my way home from working at church when J called my cell phone.  When I answered she told me, "I'm already at the hospital".  (Begin panic here and throw plan out window) I told her okay and that I would be there as soon as I could.  I remember asking her if she already had the baby because I was sort of confused on what she was telling me.  She said she was having contractions and I could hear in her voice that she was scared.

I had my cousin with me who I was heading to drop off so were just  a few blocks from my house when J called.  I had my cousin trying our home phone while I was trying Matt's cell as we were driving.  No answer on both lines.  I pulled into the drive way and honked several times and jumped out of the car.  Matt came quickly out the door and I was screaming "let's go, let's go! hospital!!" 

I'm so glad he remembered what our plan was.  He told me to go and he would make some calls and take our cousin home.  We yelled for B to grab his shoes and him and I headed up towards the hospital.  (About 30 minutes away).

Our original plan was going to be this:

J wants me in the delivery room.

If I was home alone with B at night (Matt works nights) I would wake him up and bring him with me.  We would call Matt on the way up and he would meet us shortly after at the hospital.  B could wait in the chairs until dad got there if needed.  He is a good boy like that.

If  it was during the day, I will go up on my own and the boys will follow me up and be in the waiting room.

As I drove quickly and was trying to call the case worker, I finally got a hold of her and let her know what was going on.  She wanted me to call her once I found out anything.  We both agreed that this could be a false alarm because J was only 37 weeks.

I was a little more relaxed than 15 minutes earlier and called Matt to tell him to wait and let me see what the situation was once I got to the hospital.  Maybe he wouldn't need to call in for work.  He was kind of crabby because he had already called in and I was trying to tell him that I know I panicked and if he could just wait for me to get to the hospital I could give him a better idea of what was going on. 

I told B that we needed to pray for J and the baby that everyone would be safe and healthy and that we would make it safely to the hospital.

The hospital she is delivering at is connected to another hospital ( I still don't get this part)  We went a few weeks ago to visit a friend who had just had a baby and went to the "other" part of the hospital.  After visiting, we did walk through to the other side to see the part where J would be delivering.  We of course had parked on the side where my friend was however.  So, as we arrived at the hospital,  I tried to drive around to the the other side of the buildinfg and look for the outside entrance to the correct part.  I had to pull over and ask a security guard.  He said go down this street, take your first right, go past a circle drive, into the garage, yada yada yada.... I was SO mad at myself for not coming over before to figure out exactly where to go, where to park, what doors to go in etc!!!!  After buzzing around we finally parked, ran out and B did such a good job keeping up and running with me.  He was so excited!  There was no "main" looking entrance to this side of the hospital.  What kind of hospital was this?!?!  It is also connected to a transplant center so all of the doors said that on them.  There was also lots of construction so the first doors we tried were locked.  We ran back to the ones that were marked transplant center and even though I thought that can't be right, that would be a different building, we tired them.  Locked.   There was couple walking by and I asked them in as out of breath words as I could, "Do you know how to get in this place?!?!"  They pointed to a steel door and I found our way shortly after that.  We ran up to the first security guard desk (9 at night) and asked him which way we needed to go.  B then blurts out to him "we're adopting" and I just melted right there.  He was so excited to be doing this with me.  The security man slowly picks up his paper (is he not sensing my urgency?!!) and looks on this list of names.  J's name is not on there.  He asks if I have the right place.  I tell him she called me from here and says that she is already there.  He calls up to the floor and they give him her room number.  After signing in and making a name tag, we are back on our way to running down the halls looking for elevators and the 4th floor.

Once we arrive at the nurses station, we give ask to be let in for J and her room #.  The nurse asks me who I was and I give my name and state "I'm the adoptive mom and this is my son"  She looks over at the nurse next to her for an answer (like she doesn't want to let me in, the old bat!) and that nurse says "they can go in". 

After signing in again and getting an additional name tag, we finally make it down to J's room.  We knock and I tell B to wait in the hall outside the door while I run in.  I didn't know what state she was in and wanted to check on her first.  The nurse in the hall snaps at me that I can't leave him there- he has to go in with me.  Okay, fine, but geeze!  How am I supposed to know these things??  J had her friend P there and his sister in law and her two kids were there.  Once we arrived, they headed out within a few minutes.  They didn't speak English so I really didn't say much to them (except P, whom I have met 2 or 3 times before)  The nurse was just telling J that she needed to be drinking more water that she was a bit dehydrated and to walk the halls and come back in an hour and a half.  They said she was dilated to a 2 and they would check when she got back to see if she had any progress.

I helped her up and the three of us headed to third floor (the long hallway the nurses said).  About 1/2 way down, there was an empty waiting room and a tv so I got cartoons on for B and he was set.   I called Matt and he was on his way up.  I had text him that the nurse had told me while J was using the rest room before we left the room that it was probably not going to be tonight.  He met us in the hall and had brought his stuff up for work with him.  He walked a few minutes and then sat with B until it was time to go for work. 

The problem with this was that now I was alone with B again.  He is usually a very good waiter, but this was not what we originally had planned.  I was fearing that she would get checked and they would say go walk again and we would be up there for hours longer.

When our time was up we returned to the room and they told her she did not make any progress.   She was still at a 2, 40% effaced and even though her contractions were 4 minutes apart, she needed to come back when they were stronger.  They also gave her a prescription for Ambian to help her get some rest.

She had driven herself to the hospital from work and was also hungry so when we left she rode in my car and I took her to drop off the prescription and get something from a drive through.  It was now about midnight and B asked if he could have some fries when we were ordering but was asleep in the backseat by the time we got to the window.  I took her back to the hospital and I followed her home. 

She had a regular scheduled dr. appointment the next morning.  We made plans for me to pick her up since her husband was going to be at work using their car.

I was disappointed that we didn't have a baby that night but actually thankful as well.  It was a good practice run.  We both laughed at how we didn't have things packed yet and would be doing that tomorrow.  I learned that when you are expecting-- always make sure you know how to get to the hospital!!  We also learned that having B with me when we don't know how long it will take Matt to get there is not going to work.  If she would have actually gone into labor, he would have had to have been in the room with us which is not what she or I wanted.  I feel kind of stupid for thinking I could let him sit in the waiting room and I could check on him because I know he would have been a good boy and just watched TV.   Our plan is now that if I get called in the night to take him to grandma's.  If Matt is with us for sure, B will go with him to wait to meet his sister! 

Monday, May 14, 2012

Dinner with our Fam

I'm so tired.  All of this is so mentally exhausting.  I'm behind on my posting and have so much to write about.

I've wanted to do posts on the stupid things people have said and the opinions they have offered, race, all of the friends we have met who are still waiting their turn, and one on the room I have been working on but haven't gotten any of them done.

I now have posts that need done on our dinner with our family, our visit to the hospital for the first false alarm (yes, I said the first), the next doctor's visit, the big fight with my boss, the second hospital visit, the meeting with my sister and J,  and then the phone calls today and what J was stressing about.

Here is some details about our family dinner.  We had scheduled to meet in a nearby town that was probably equally between our two locations.  We had invited my mom, step dad, grandma and grandpa, Matt's mom and step dad , and Matt's aunt and uncle.  That Sunday we had scheduled a birthday dinner at my grandma's house for several April/ May family members.  We ate a ton of my grandma's fantastic cooking, as usual.

My aunt (who I hadn't really invited) was asking about how things were going.  I was telling her that we were going to meet J for dinner and she asked if they were supposed to go too.  I said they were welcome to go (they have four kids and not a lot of money, so I knew them taking their whole family out was probably not something they would be able to do which is why I didn't originally invite them) if they wanted.  She said she would talk to my uncle but wouldn't be able to bring the kids due to two of the four cousins having a severe peanut allergy.  I told her it was fine if just her or her and my uncle went.

About this time I remembered that I hadn't told my grandma ( who I am real
ly close with) about J's plan to take the baby home for a few days.  When I told her, she was not happy and said,  "Well, if that's the case, then I don't want to meet her until we know for sure".  My grandma is a very loving person and so nice and helpful-- and I am totally spoiled by her and my grandpa but this came out very sharp.  My aunt and I looked at each other because it really was rude.  I told her that was fine if she didn't want to meet her.  I ended up leaving shortly after because my feelings were so hurt.

I called my grandma once I got home and asked her if she was going or not because I needed to figure out who was riding with who (my mom and grandma were going to ride together originally-- my step dad was going to be out of town and my grandpa was going to stay home to rest from his healing broken ribs)  She now said she was going and I just dropped the whole comment from earlier.  I know it was because she is scared for us and doesn't want to see us get hurt.

When I called my aunt to talk about car plans, she said that they were all going.  So that was 4 cousins and my aunt and uncle and my grandpa was going as well.

I love my family to death but they do drive me nuts!!

Matt and I arrived first at the restaurant and J and her husband and A came a few minutes later.  I had put our name in when we arrived and was surprised at how busy it was.  Our family within a few minutes of each other and everyone greeted J and her family.   Matt's mom brought a bag with some cars and a notebook and crayons for A.  He played with those cars after eating as we sat at the tables.

When they called us in for the table, we had two tables of 8.  Everyone kind of took a seat, except for J's family and Matt and I.  There were 3 seats open at each table and that wasn't going to work! Everyone was staring at us and I couldn't figure it out.  I needed people to get up and move! I wanted Matt's mom and grandma to be able to be at the table with J and didn't care about the kids being by her.  (My aunt didn't want the two allergy kids to sit by anyone eating- *they couldn't eat of course* so they all had to stick together ... it was just an awkward few minutes with us standing around looking dumb!  Finally my grandpa took charge (like usual) and told who to move and we got settled in.  The table with J and her family had my grandma , mom, and Matt's mom and step dad plus Matt and I.

J and C didn't talk a whole lot to our family because they are very shy at first and the little bit of a language barrier make it a little harder.  They talked a lot with Matt and I however, and we laughed a lot.  I think that meeting our family was exactly what J had wanted and enjoyed the night.  I think our family was happy to get to meet them, just didn't feel like they got to talk to her much.

One of the funny things that J's husband asked was, "Is there more?" (meaning family)  and we said, "Oh yes, lot's more" and all laughed.  I kept laughing and telling them we are all crazy!

All of our family left before us and as we were walking out I asked them what they thought.  They both laughed and said that they thought it was fine.  I left the night thinking that they really did enjoy it.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Dr. Visit

Let me start off by saying that I am so glad that the caseworker gave us the heads up yesterday on J wanting to take the baby home from the hospital.  It was difficult last night, scary is a better word because we already have so much invested emotionally.  We have invested lots of emotions over the last 6 years and it stinks and hurts to be like this.  This is not the life I wanted, this is not the path I wanted, and not the way I dreamed of life going for me.  I am not living my life though.  God gave me life and I owe it all to Him.  I am living the life that God gave me and I must have faith in his plan for us.

I picked up Matt at 10 to head to the dr. office.  He works nights and was able to get about an hour of sleep.  We were out the door and on our way within a few minutes.  When we were almost there (about 10 minutes before the apt. time), J called my cell phone.  Usually we are plenty early and actually wait for about 10-15 minutes.  She usually walks in right on time for the appointment.  She asked if we were there yet and I told here we would be in just a few minutes.

Her and A were waiting right as we stepped off the elevator and she went to check in.  She mentioned that she thought we were coming at 10 so she had been waiting for us.  (Apt. was at 10:40)  I'm not really sure why she thought we were coming at 10 but I felt bad she had been waiting.  She didn't seem upset or anything so I'm sure it was okay.

Usually she sees the nurse practitioner and gets in right on time but today they had her scheduled to see the dr. and in true dr. form, they were a little late calling her back.  She always brings A with her and Matt and I always have fun playing with him.  He is used to us by now and gets on our lap, rolls cars across the floor, or shares other toys he brings with us.  He was sitting on my lap today as J went to check in and Matt was playing with him.  A was acting like he kept trapping Matt's hand in his shoes and Matt was pretending to try to pull it out.  A was laughing so hard.  He is such a cute little boy.  When they called J back, Matt carried A down the halls and continued to play with him as she got weighed, blood pressure, and used the restroom.

I don't feel nervous at the clinic anymore.  I used to feel everyone's eyes on me and feel so out of place, but now... I don't even notice it.

When we came out of the stairway when we arrived A was playing with another little boy.  As we approached them and I started calling to A, the father of the other boy started speaking to me in Spanish.  I don't know any Spanish and I felt a little panicked.  He was actually speaking to me...not just the little boys.

We are Caucasian and our baby will be Hispanic.  We have talked about how we want all 4 of us to learn Spanish and talked about this with J.  Later in the exam room it came up again when Matt was trying to read a sign in Spanish and J was helping him with the words.  I told her how that guy was trying to speak to me and Matt said that is why we need to learn!

J seemed so much more relaxed than the last time we were at the dr. and she was asking to be induced.  She also seems so much more comfortable around us and talks and laughs so much more than before.

The Dr. came in and did the measurements, listened to the heartbeat, reviewed the chart, and told her the same stuff about headaches, contractions, loss of fluids, etc. that the nurse practitioner tells her every time.  He also said her glucose screen and strep tests were good.  J had told me before he came in that she thought they would start checking her to see if she is dilating yet but he said it was too soon since she is only 35.5 weeks and no signs or symptoms yet.

I was really hoping that we could hear something about her getting closer today.  I am ready.  I was really hoping that next week would be my last week of work.  Honestly, I feel that I have already mentally checked out of my job. I can't concentrate on anything besides getting ready to go.

They said they will see her in one more week.

As we walked out, she needed to stop at the desk to make an appointment for A.  I asked her if she wanted us to wait and she said yes because she wanted to talk to us about something.

Here it was.  I had been wondering if she was going to bring it up.

The waiting room is pretty busy so I asked if she wanted to go downstairs to the lobby.  We rode the elevator down and then stepped into the large lobby.   This is where we have talked before parting ways previously. She started in right away with something like ..." I still want to do the adoption but I want to take the baby home with me for a week or a few days.  I still want to do the adoption though".   I basically just said okay and that that was fine with us if that is what she wanted.  A bench opened up right after and I asked her if she wanted to sit down.  Matt was standing near us but also trying to keep A rounded up so we could talk. 

I told her that we were okay with that if that was what she was wanting.  She told me how she had told the caseworker but wanted to tell us herself. I asked her if she wanted us to still come to the hospital or if she wanted us to give her some time by herself there.  She said yes, she definitely wanted us to still be there.  The whole time she was saying that it might only be for a few days and that she would call case worker and us to come and meet to get the baby.  She said she still might change her mind (about taking the baby home) because she knows that A will be crying and the baby will be crying and they will need their diapers changed etc.  I did ask what her husband thought of it and she said that he was fine with it.  (He is not the birth father).  Caseworker has told us that she thinks it will only be a day if that.  I asked J if she was thinking about changing her mind about the plan and tried to tell her that we want this to be her decision.  She is still very strong about saying she is not changing her mind, nor do I feel like she wants to.  I asked her if she was nervous to tell us and she said yes.  She said that she was worried we would think she was changing her mind.  I just hope that she can be comfortable enough with us to be able to talk to us about these things.

I felt really comfortable about our conversation and I still do today. I did not look forward to telling our parents, because I knew they were going to freak out and get worried. 

After we had talked about the post hospital stuff, we also needed to talk about our plans for her meeting our family.  She had brought this up last week when they were at our house and we set we could figure out a time at the dr.  I asked her if she wanted to do a Saturday afternoon before she goes to work or Sunday (her day off each week)  She settled on this Sunday.  She didn't especially want to drive back to our town and commented that she thought it took so long to get there last week (but said they got back faster!)  I asked if she wanted to meet at McD playland again (Matt's suggestion) so the boys could play and it could just be for ice cream or something.  She suggested the Chinese buffet.  On Sunday she had told us that was her favorite place that her and C go. 

I asked her who she wanted me to bring (we have a large extended family that lives close) and she said "anyone who wants to meet me".  I thought this was so sweet.  I told her how everyone wants to meet her.  Everyone always asks how she is doing, how she is feeling, how A is doing.  I said, "but there is a lot of us" and she laughed and said she knew from the pictures.  I think I am just going to ask my parents, Matt's mom and step dad, (his dad lives about 2 hours away) and my grandparents (like my parents as well) .  My sister comes into town the following week and I might see if J wants to go to lunch and meet her. 

I am looking forward to Sunday. I told case worker though that I hope our family doesn't act dumb.  (and I mean that in the nicest of ways lol)  I hope they don't cry or act weird!!!  We are weird anyways so I don't know what I'm talking about. 

I will post soon to let you know how it goes.  And, I'm looking forward to the China Buffet-- yum yum!!

Thursday, May 3, 2012

New Blogger layout & Comments

First off, every time I sign in to post I get thrown off by the new look of blogger.  I haven't had much time to look around yet but it looks good so far.  Any of you who don't blog don't really care about this however.  I just wanted to mention it because it happens every time the page comes up and I get all confused again ;)

Second and more importantly, I wanted to truly thank those of you who have been leaving me comments.  They are so encouraging to read.  Especially you Cat, you leave so much advice for me as well.  I know I only have about 8 followers and 5 commenters but each one makes me feel so good to know that I have people interested enough in our little journey.

Thanks again everyone! 

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

I had a busy couple of days at work and didn't get around to calling our case worker until today to tell her about our visit on Sunday at our house.  I wasn't sure when J had her counseling appointment this week with her either.  I left the case worker a voice message and she called me back this afternoon.  She said she actually was with J when I called.

I asked her how she was doing and she thought she was still stressed about going into labor at random places.  I told her that we thought she seemed more relaxed on Sunday from Thursday when we saw her. 

Case worker said that J also told her we had to order pizza due to the rain and that I had a lot of clothes (for the baby). 

Then, case worker told me that she was going to tell me something that J didn't want her to tell me.  J wanted to talk to us about it herself but case worker wanted to give me some notice.

She told me that J now wants to take the baby home for a few days.

She wants to tell us herself because she wants to assure us that she is still going through with her adoption plan. 

We have always said that we support any decision she makes but of course I was not expecting this.  I have always felt  like she is confident in her decision so I must say I was surprised with this.  Does it scare me? Yes. 

I am so thankful that she gave me the heads up.  She said she is planning to tell us tomorrow at the dr. appointment.   Now that I have had time to process it, I think I can actually come up with something to say rather than, "okay...okay....okay"

Case worker said that she still believes that she is planning to go with the adoption plan.  All I know is that I had a miscarriage 2 months before I got pregnant with B.   If I wouldn't have had that, I wouldn't not have gotten pregnant again.  He is so wonderful and I am in absolute love with him.  I can't imagine loving anyone more than the love I have for him.  If this is not the baby for us, we will be okay.  We will get another turn.  And then I will fall crazy in love with that baby and not be able to imagine my life without them.  But I will always pray for this little baby in the ultrasound picture that hangs on my fridge and that Matt talks to no matter whose arms she ends up in.

From one of my favorite songs:

Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts rising
Even when the storm comes 
I am washed by the water
I won’t never ever let you down
I won’t fall
I won’t fall
I won’t fall as long as you’re around me
Needtobreathe- Washed by the Water 
I have been singing this song over and over for the past few months. Today it fit perfectly. 


On Sunday J, her husband, and their son A came down for dinner at our house.  Of course I was so worried about our tiny little house and getting it "spiffed" up before them came.  I don't really like to cook so I worried about that too.  I had planned for us to grill out (Well, for Matt to grill out) and we could sit outside while the boys play.  The rain had other plans for us however.  I went with plan B which was take and bake pizza, breadsticks, and big bowl of fresh fruit.  J had told me how she had been craving fruit so I wanted to be sure to have that for her as well.  I text J earlier in the day to verify they were still coming.  She said they were and also told me she was bringing a cake.  I thought that was so thoughtful of her to do that and told her she didn't need to bring anything. 

When they arrived, we showed them around the house and then sat down in the living room.  I was really excited to show her the baby room and hoped that she would like it.  The two boys started to play right away.  B hd been waiting for a few hours for them to arrive.  He remembered that A likes cars and put a puzzle together in the living room with cars on it to show him.  They played so well the whole time they were here and laughed and laughed!  It was music to my ears.

After about a half hour of chatting, I got up to start the oven and get the pizzas ready.  We all ate together and I took so totally cute pics of the boys sitting side by side.  As we were eating the cake J brought, I brought up the subject of the names again like the case worker had told me to.  J seemed completely fine with going with the name we had told her we liked on our first meeting.  That was really special that she liked our name since we had said we were open to her naming the baby.  We asked her if she had anything in mind for a middle name and she didn't.  We told her that since she had told us she didn't like her first name, we would like to use her middle name for the baby's middle name as well.  She seemed fine with that.  Sometimes she doesn't show much emotion and is hard to read.  Matt wasn't sure if she was understanding what I was trying to tell/ ask her due to the language difference.

Speaking of language, one thing that did come up was she asked us if we knew any Spanish.  We told her that we didn't and that we had discussed wanting to learn as a family now and were looking into some options.  She said that the baby needs to learn Spanish and English.  Her son A is learning both- they use the two languages in their home.   We totally agree with the language part.  All of us will be able to benefit from learning.

As things were starting to fade out I asked them if they wanted to go for a drive around our little town.  We were test driving a bigger vehicle for the weekend so we were able to put A's carseat in and the two boys rode in the back, us girls in the middle and the two men in the front.  Matt drove us around and gave them the tour.  They had asked if we had any stores so we started with that and showed them the 2 grocery stores, 2 dollar stores, few restaurants, bowling alley, three traffic lights etc.  They giggled at some of the things and seemed to be enjoying the ride.  They asked about the price of some of the houses.  We finished with a drive by the park and schools.  I think they were both surprised by how big the schools were.  I think they were expecting something smaller, especially since they came in from a road off the interstate that comes right through a residential area to our house and didn't pass any of business district.

As they prepared to leave once we arrived home, she mentioned that she wanted to meet our family as well.  I told her we could certainly arrange that and asked if she wanted to do it before or after the baby.  She said before and I told her I would look at the calendar and we could finalize plans on Thursday at her next dr. appt.  Sundays is still her only day off during the week though.

All in all, I felt good about the visit and think they had a nice time.  I felt pretty comfortable with how things went, but just felt tired from being so stressed about it!