I sit here tonight catching up on blog posts. I know baby will be here any day and that we are closer than ever. It could be tonight. Who knows. I got a text from Matt at work saying he loves me and can't wait for baby to get here. I can't either. I think of it day and night. I think of it as I fall asleep and as I wake in the mornings.
I am overcome by emotion tonight as I typed some of these last few posts. I know we have so many loved ones in our small town supporting us as well as friends and family across the country waiting to hear the news. I told my new gal at work today that I think this is the most highly anticipated baby in our county with the number of people who ask me about it each day!
But as I sit here thinking about how very close we are to something we have wanted for such a long time, my heart hurts. Many of those people mentioned above don't realize that this is still J's baby. She still has a choice in this. I want nothing more than her blessing if we come home with this baby.
I sit here each night in anticipation of a phone call I might get or counting the days until the next doctors appointment to give us an update on how much closer we are.
Tonight, as I am dreaming of what our life will be like with this baby (and how quiet my house is at this moment) I am so excited to have her in my arms. I know it is close. I know she will be here soon. She is almost so close I can smell her baby soft smell.
But in a town not to far away, baby is still safe in her mommy's tummy. She is snuggled in and warm, content and safe. How is her mommy feeling? Is she ready to be done with this? Is she confident she is making the right choice? Is she savoring the last few days or hours she has before she makes a decision that will change her life? Is she ready for this?
My heart hurts for us both. The day is near.
I think the hardest thing for me about adoption is realizing that my joy results in someone else's pain. I think those of us who become adoptive parents arrive at the journey because we are compassionate people who want nothing more then to love a baby. It is against our nature to make someone hurt and no matter how strong in her decision J will hurt. There is no way around it. The two of you already have a beautiful relationship and she clearly admires your ability to parent B. If J decides for you to be her daughters mother the relationship you have built I believe will make it a little easier for J because she has been able to spend so much quality time with your family. D told us several times that seeing us care for Baby Girl made her feel better because she knew how much we loved her.
ReplyDeleteI know it will be painful. I know she loves this baby. I do pray that she trusts us enough to give her all the love that we can and to teach baby from the start how much love her birthmom had for her.
ReplyDeleteYou are completely right on not wanting to hurt anyone in this.
I've said it before, adoption is not for the weak. It's hard. So incredibly hard, and until you've been in the moment of taking placement and seeing the anguish on a birth mother's face, you can't even phathom how much it hurts both sides.
ReplyDeleteI can tell you that the pain lessens as time goes on. I spent two months worrying myself sick about Gus's birth mom and not fully bonding with him because I didn't know if she was going to change her mind (in MI there's a 31 day revocation/risk period and then an additional 21 day period on top of that).
Each time we see C and watch her spend time with Gus, we are flooded with emotion. It's been two years and each time gets easier, but it's still painful to think about things from her perspective.
You can't do anything about the situation. There's a reason J picked you guys and there's a reason you're in her life. I pray that she is able to make the most difficult decision of her life, and is able to place her baby with you. I pray that she finds peace with that decision and that you guys are always able to remember how amazing she is and you fulfill the promises made to keep her involved and to share her love for the baby with the baby each day of her life.
Adoption is not for the weak. It takes very special people (on both sides) to make it work, and I pray that you all find peace and comfort and know that your paths have been brought together for a very special reason.