Monday, September 3, 2012

Moody Momma

Ick, crap, boo, and poop.  That is how I feel I have just been in a bad mood and grumpy about all of this the past few days.  We were called on Thursday afternoon by our caseworker R and told we were not selected for this baby.  The birthmom had not made a decision yet but she had narrowed it down.  All of the families she narrowed it down to did not have kids.  She wanted the family to be able to give 100% of their attention to the baby.  Because apparently we wouldn't.  I know I should be more understanding of the birthmom's desires, but for one B has so much love to give for a baby I see it as we have more love to offer.  For two, this is her tenth kid.  I could go on and on and say some nice things but I will stop there.  I am only feeling this way out of hurt and slight desperation so I will just quit with that.

The following day we received our packet from the agency that it is time to renew our home study and other information.  Yea!!! How fun!  Spending more money and time to wait and wait some more.  I knew our update was coming due but I thought it was just the home study that needed done.  I thought that meant they would need to come down, see the house, talk with us again etc.  Oh no.  It's physicals, fingerprinting, monthly budget, tax returns, financial statements, etc. again.  Pretty much everything except the reference letters.  But, I haven't read that closely yet so hopefully that is not in there too!

I talked with another waiting mom from our training group.  They do not have a child yet and I can't wait for them to be placed.  I will be so happy for them when they are parents.  I know how badly they are longing for a child to love.  They have been shown to the same three birthmoms as us and one more I think.  I know she is feeling down about it as well.

She received the monthly update last week (which I didn't... I always do via email but did not get it this time... will call tomorrow about that)  I asked her to forward it and she sent it on with a little warning that it is a little depressing.  I will admit that I did get crabbier after I read it.  First off, J is still on the list.  It says J, delivered a healthy baby girl in June. Parenting and still receiving support.  I wish it would say selected an agency family and once the baby was nine days old she decided to parent and is still receiving support.  It just hurts seeing her name on there still.  I really don't know why it's still on there.  Others are not on from that long so I will ask about this.  This is the list I can't wait to get each month to see if there are any new prospective birth moms.  Seeing her on there each time just starts off sour.  There is also no current potential birthmoms.  That is depressing. 

Today B and I went shopping a bit.  He still talks about baby girl and A often.  While in the toy aisle, he says things like, "if we had baby girl, she would like this mom".   Or he finds clothes he would like to get her or something similar.  Tonight on tv there was commercial and I heard him say to Matt, "dad, did you see that little boy on there that looked like A"?

I was over at my grandma's tonight and she was asking about what day was Matt's birthday.  She couldn't remember if it was the 9, 10, or 12 of this month.  I wanted to say it was the 12th, but hey.. A's birthday is the 10th.  He will be 3.  (Also as a side note that Matt and I giggled about... this is also the week that J conceived baby girl- we did the conception calculator once we had the due date)

Tomorrow baby girl will be three months old.  I miss her so much and I would love to see her.  I am having a hard time this weekend after all of the above stuff, but usually I am doing really good.  I am okay with J parenting her.  I am okay that she is with her mom.  We said we were going to go into a relationship with J and I struggle with how we just shut that off.  I think of all of them often and miss them often.  I hope and pray they are doing well.

Seeing that there are no current moms on the list making adoption plans made me want to quit.  I hate this waiting. I hated the beautiful pink room I walked by a dozen times this weekend.  I hate that B is almost 8.  I don't want them to be so far apart.  I hate that we have waited before and spent money before on our surrogacy and things have never turned out the way we wanted.  I hate that I am so bitter and crabby this weekend.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.