I had a busy couple of days at work and didn't get around to calling our case worker until today to tell her about our visit on Sunday at our house.  I wasn't sure when J had her counseling appointment this week with her either.  I left the case worker a voice message and she called me back this afternoon.  She said she actually was with J when I called.

I asked her how she was doing and she thought she was still stressed about going into labor at random places.  I told her that we thought she seemed more relaxed on Sunday from Thursday when we saw her. 

Case worker said that J also told her we had to order pizza due to the rain and that I had a lot of clothes (for the baby). 

Then, case worker told me that she was going to tell me something that J didn't want her to tell me.  J wanted to talk to us about it herself but case worker wanted to give me some notice.

She told me that J now wants to take the baby home for a few days.

She wants to tell us herself because she wants to assure us that she is still going through with her adoption plan. 

We have always said that we support any decision she makes but of course I was not expecting this.  I have always felt  like she is confident in her decision so I must say I was surprised with this.  Does it scare me? Yes. 

I am so thankful that she gave me the heads up.  She said she is planning to tell us tomorrow at the dr. appointment.   Now that I have had time to process it, I think I can actually come up with something to say rather than, "okay...okay....okay"

Case worker said that she still believes that she is planning to go with the adoption plan.  All I know is that I had a miscarriage 2 months before I got pregnant with B.   If I wouldn't have had that, I wouldn't not have gotten pregnant again.  He is so wonderful and I am in absolute love with him.  I can't imagine loving anyone more than the love I have for him.  If this is not the baby for us, we will be okay.  We will get another turn.  And then I will fall crazy in love with that baby and not be able to imagine my life without them.  But I will always pray for this little baby in the ultrasound picture that hangs on my fridge and that Matt talks to no matter whose arms she ends up in.

From one of my favorite songs:

Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts rising
Even when the storm comes 
I am washed by the water

I won’t never ever let you down
I won’t fall
I won’t fall
I won’t fall as long as you’re around me

Needtobreathe- Washed by the Water 

I have been singing this song over and over for the past few months. Today it fit perfectly.