Let me start off by saying that I am so glad that the caseworker gave us the heads up yesterday on J wanting to take the baby home from the hospital. It was difficult last night, scary is a better word because we already have so much invested emotionally. We have invested lots of emotions over the last 6 years and it stinks and hurts to be like this. This is not the life I wanted, this is not the path I wanted, and not the way I dreamed of life going for me. I am not living my life though. God gave me life and I owe it all to Him. I am living the life that God gave me and I must have faith in his plan for us.
I picked up Matt at 10 to head to the dr. office. He works nights and was able to get about an hour of sleep. We were out the door and on our way within a few minutes. When we were almost there (about 10 minutes before the apt. time), J called my cell phone. Usually we are plenty early and actually wait for about 10-15 minutes. She usually walks in right on time for the appointment. She asked if we were there yet and I told here we would be in just a few minutes.
Her and A were waiting right as we stepped off the elevator and she went to check in. She mentioned that she thought we were coming at 10 so she had been waiting for us. (Apt. was at 10:40) I'm not really sure why she thought we were coming at 10 but I felt bad she had been waiting. She didn't seem upset or anything so I'm sure it was okay.
Usually she sees the nurse practitioner and gets in right on time but today they had her scheduled to see the dr. and in true dr. form, they were a little late calling her back. She always brings A with her and Matt and I always have fun playing with him. He is used to us by now and gets on our lap, rolls cars across the floor, or shares other toys he brings with us. He was sitting on my lap today as J went to check in and Matt was playing with him. A was acting like he kept trapping Matt's hand in his shoes and Matt was pretending to try to pull it out. A was laughing so hard. He is such a cute little boy. When they called J back, Matt carried A down the halls and continued to play with him as she got weighed, blood pressure, and used the restroom.
I don't feel nervous at the clinic anymore. I used to feel everyone's eyes on me and feel so out of place, but now... I don't even notice it.
When we came out of the stairway when we arrived A was playing with another little boy. As we approached them and I started calling to A, the father of the other boy started speaking to me in Spanish. I don't know any Spanish and I felt a little panicked. He was actually speaking to me...not just the little boys.
We are Caucasian and our baby will be Hispanic. We have talked about how we want all 4 of us to learn Spanish and talked about this with J. Later in the exam room it came up again when Matt was trying to read a sign in Spanish and J was helping him with the words. I told her how that guy was trying to speak to me and Matt said that is why we need to learn!
J seemed so much more relaxed than the last time we were at the dr. and she was asking to be induced. She also seems so much more comfortable around us and talks and laughs so much more than before.
The Dr. came in and did the measurements, listened to the heartbeat, reviewed the chart, and told her the same stuff about headaches, contractions, loss of fluids, etc. that the nurse practitioner tells her every time. He also said her glucose screen and strep tests were good. J had told me before he came in that she thought they would start checking her to see if she is dilating yet but he said it was too soon since she is only 35.5 weeks and no signs or symptoms yet.
I was really hoping that we could hear something about her getting closer today. I am ready. I was really hoping that next week would be my last week of work. Honestly, I feel that I have already mentally checked out of my job. I can't concentrate on anything besides getting ready to go.
They said they will see her in one more week.
As we walked out, she needed to stop at the desk to make an appointment for A. I asked her if she wanted us to wait and she said yes because she wanted to talk to us about something.
Here it was. I had been wondering if she was going to bring it up.
The waiting room is pretty busy so I asked if she wanted to go downstairs to the lobby. We rode the elevator down and then stepped into the large lobby. This is where we have talked before parting ways previously. She started in right away with something like ..." I still want to do the adoption but I want to take the baby home with me for a week or a few days. I still want to do the adoption though". I basically just said okay and that that was fine with us if that is what she wanted. A bench opened up right after and I asked her if she wanted to sit down. Matt was standing near us but also trying to keep A rounded up so we could talk.
I told her that we were okay with that if that was what she was wanting. She told me how she had told the caseworker but wanted to tell us herself. I asked her if she wanted us to still come to the hospital or if she wanted us to give her some time by herself there. She said yes, she definitely wanted us to still be there. The whole time she was saying that it might only be for a few days and that she would call case worker and us to come and meet to get the baby. She said she still might change her mind (about taking the baby home) because she knows that A will be crying and the baby will be crying and they will need their diapers changed etc. I did ask what her husband thought of it and she said that he was fine with it. (He is not the birth father). Caseworker has told us that she thinks it will only be a day if that. I asked J if she was thinking about changing her mind about the plan and tried to tell her that we want this to be her decision. She is still very strong about saying she is not changing her mind, nor do I feel like she wants to. I asked her if she was nervous to tell us and she said yes. She said that she was worried we would think she was changing her mind. I just hope that she can be comfortable enough with us to be able to talk to us about these things.
I felt really comfortable about our conversation and I still do today. I did not look forward to telling our parents, because I knew they were going to freak out and get worried.
After we had talked about the post hospital stuff, we also needed to talk about our plans for her meeting our family. She had brought this up last week when they were at our house and we set we could figure out a time at the dr. I asked her if she wanted to do a Saturday afternoon before she goes to work or Sunday (her day off each week) She settled on this Sunday. She didn't especially want to drive back to our town and commented that she thought it took so long to get there last week (but said they got back faster!) I asked if she wanted to meet at McD playland again (Matt's suggestion) so the boys could play and it could just be for ice cream or something. She suggested the Chinese buffet. On Sunday she had told us that was her favorite place that her and C go.
I asked her who she wanted me to bring (we have a large extended family that lives close) and she said "anyone who wants to meet me". I thought this was so sweet. I told her how everyone wants to meet her. Everyone always asks how she is doing, how she is feeling, how A is doing. I said, "but there is a lot of us" and she laughed and said she knew from the pictures. I think I am just going to ask my parents, Matt's mom and step dad, (his dad lives about 2 hours away) and my grandparents (like my parents as well) . My sister comes into town the following week and I might see if J wants to go to lunch and meet her.
I am looking forward to Sunday. I told case worker though that I hope our family doesn't act dumb. (and I mean that in the nicest of ways lol) I hope they don't cry or act weird!!! We are weird anyways so I don't know what I'm talking about.
I will post soon to let you know how it goes. And, I'm looking forward to the China Buffet-- yum yum!!