Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Monday- 18th

On Monday I woke up with dreams of Jolie.  She would be 2 weeks today.  She was supposed to go in for her 2 week check up.  I dreamed that I had to go in to the dr to get a note so I could stay home from work using my sick days (which is true, I need to do this)  I dreamed I went back to the same dr we had done all of the prenatal/ post natal visits.  When I arrived J was in the waiting room with Jolie but didn't see me come in.  I watched her for about five minutes until she got called back.  When she got called back, she put Jolie in her purse (standing up style- head peaking up over the top) and went back. I broke down in tears in the waiting room because that was supposed to be our little girl.

Later that day I was struggling because I needed to call my work and let them know what was going on.  I tried and just couldn't get the courage.  I have so co-workers who know but have some very dumb unprofessional supervisors.  I pushed it off until the next day.

Later in the day as I laid on the couch I started missing J.  I missed her shoes.  I missed the way she laughed and things she said.  I thought about the day we pulled up to take her to the doctors about for Jolie's jaundice and she ran her out to us so we could have that extra time with Jolie while she finished getting ready since we were early.  This was the first time I have missed her but realized now that I will miss her and A as well.  I was looking forward to our relationship that I thought we were going to have.

 The case worker called later in the day.   I was a little irritated we had not heard from her yet from Mon- Mon.  She said that when she left town the supervisor told her that we were supposed to shut our phones off while we got away for a bit so she said she would call us Monday.


Anyways, I told her we would be interested in meeting with J and baby for a final time.  Matt thought Thursday would be a good day since 1- that is the day she said she would sign and we would have our entrustment ceremony and 2- it is his day off.  She said she would ask her about it.  I asked her if she thought J would go for it.  She said she thought she would because she had been asking about us.

I also asked the caseworker something I had asked the supervisor which she did not know. 

Did J cry when she told her that she was going to have a change of heart?  The answer was no.  That made me sad.

Everyone at the agency said they did not see red flags, J was very adamant up until the end that she was going with the plan.  They are all basically shaking their heads and looking back over the situation.  She said she felt like she had been played a little bit when she told her. 

Maybe in the future I will be able to share a little more of the details that lead up to us feeling this way.  I'm not trying to be anti-birthmother and she has to give us the baby if she says she is going to , but there were a few things that were kind of weird that I haven't shared because I don't want people to think badly of J. 


  1. You're allowed to feel however you feel. Sadness is probably the overwhelming feelings, but you have EVERY RIGHT to be mad. While yes, she has the ultimate decision on whether or not to parent, she did lead you guys on, and the fact that she didn't cry when she announced her change of heart-- that makes me sad too.

    It's such a sad situation all around. Not only are you missing Jolie, but you're missing J because you grew attached. You opened your world to include her and A, and that door is closed.

    I'm interested to know if she's going to keep the name Jolie (I presume that's the name that you guys picked for her), and if she tries to contact you once you've had your final goodbye.

    You have to do what's best for you, but I wouldn't communicate with her after you say goodbye. I would feel like she doesn't deserve to have you in her life anymore... she made a decision and that's fine, but it'd be too painful for you to see Jolie again with J.

    I don't know. I think you guys got a bad deal and I'm so sorry for it all going down as it did. It'll take some time to get through it and to work your feelings out. I hope your agency is helping with this, and they're offering as much support as you need.


  2. I'm very cautious about what I write about D not because I don't feel that I can write much about our relationship without coming off "anti-birthmom." Its unfortunate that I think we often judge each others experiences. I think we should be able to post about our individual experiences without being judged. There are things about D that I wish were not true but I feel like if I write about them since they fit into the stereotype of birthmoms that our society has that the adoption community will judge me for being "anti-birthmom." I wish D didn't fit into the stereotype- it would make her life and baby girls life easier. To protect myself I removed the "anonymous" comment ability on my blog so that if someone wants to judge me they at least have to be willing to let me know who they are.

    I hope you were able to talk with your boss and that they were understanding.