Friday, June 15, 2012

No words for a title

I know I wasn't good about getting the story about our first week written.  I had all intentions to do it.  I was just so tired and exhausted from the stress of it all.  We were busy and I still might try to write about those days.

But the last few days are more important now. 

On Tuesday night J called our caseworker.

On Wednesday, the agency called us.

On Wednesday our hearts broke. 

We left town to try to escape the reality that our dreams of parenting Jolie were not going to happen.

We both watched her come into this world, we named her, and I cut the cord.  But we are not going to be her parents. 

J has had a change of heart.  Funny, the agency calls it that when our hearts are so very broken.

I will be back and it won't be super long, but I can't manage much more right now.

We left town right away and headed to a hotel for a few days to have some family time.  We stopped for lunch before getting on the road to come home and it seemed all weekend we had little girls and their daddies around us. 

As we watched a little girl walk in front of us sipping her soda and holding ice cream in her other hand, Matt looked at me and said,

"blue eyed blonde haired white girls just don't do it for me anymore".   I broke down in tears.  We love our brown skinned Jolie so very very much.

18 comments:

  1. I am so sorry. I know you know that. If it helps even a bit, please know that there are many who are sharing in your loss, maybe not to the extent that you are feeling it, but it feels raw to us as well as we feel so helpless to take away the ache. I'm here when and however you need me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Laura. I value your friendship so much. Thank you for your patience with me.

      Delete
  2. I never posted a comment before, but I wanted to let you know how sorry I am. We've had our hearts broken in the past too. I know there are no words to make you feel better, but know you aren't alone and that this stranger is thinking of you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Rebecca, I appreciate that you took the time to leave me a comment.

      Delete
  3. Speechless.

    There's nothing that anyone can say that will make it better for you. This hurts and will leave a hole in your heart forever. You opened yourselves up to J and were very much let down. For all this, I am so incredible, terribly sorry.

    The loss of a match... one like yours especially is like the loss of a child. You need to grieve and fully get all your feelings out. Let yourselves heal and it's not going to happen overnight.

    However, I KNOW there WILL be a baby that's YOURS. Just have faith and trust that it'll happen.

    Adoption is so very scary for this reason. Many people don't pursue adoption as a way to expand their family because they can't handle the thought of experiencing the pain that you guys are going through.

    I'm sure it won't make you feel any better, but know you're not alone. This happens more often than not, and EVERY SINGLE FAMILY that I know that experienced a failed match, has a complete family today. They all look back on the moment with sadness and still mourn the loss of the family they thought they'd be, and still are very attached to "their" baby. However, each of them moved forward eventually, and are now parents to a baby that found its way to their arms.

    Your baby will come to you. God will provide. Have faith, mourn this immense loss, and pray for the strength to move forward and try again.

    HUGS to you my dear friend. I am so so so sorry that this has happened to all of you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Cat, as always, your words are ALWAYS just right and so comforting. I love the part about always feeling attached to "our" baby. I don't think we will ever be able to forget her.

      Delete
  4. Amber, you know I've walked through this pain before. Embrace it. Cry your eyes out. Be angry. Be sad. Time will begin to heal your wounds. I promise....we were just there in April. Above all else, know that God has big(ger) plans for you! He does!! I'm here for you whenever. If you need to talk to someone who's walked your road, don't hesitate. Big time prayers continuing to come your way.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Ashley. You were one of the first people I thought of who I could turn to because I know you have been there. You have a beautiful family but I know how you long to have more like we do.

      It's tough to believe that there could be a plan for us because it has been so painful for so long. I'm trying to keep my faith strong.

      Delete
  5. How is B doing?

    I'm so very sorry for your heart break. There are no words I can say to make the hurt, hurt less. Just know you have many people that admire you and your family. Know that there are many people we are thinking about you and praying for you.

    Baby Girls B-dad threatened to change his mind each time he visited. Each time he left I told DH that if he did change his mind that I he would have to come get me from Phili because I dont think I could go on. So please take a BIG virtual *HUG.* You are very strong and I admire your family so very much.

    Take your time to heal.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. B has been doing better than we thought. I still think he is young enough to not be really upset but more annoyed with that she "said she was going to adopt and now she's not".

      That would be so hard to have him had throw that in your face each time!

      Delete
  6. I am so, so sorry :'( *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Rhonda. Always appreciated.

      Delete
  7. Here from LFCA to let you know how sorry I am. It is so incredibly unfair that this little girl could not come home with you. I cannot imagine the pain this "change of heart" must cause to your own heart. Wishing you grace and strength as you move forward.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Here from LFcA. Sending you lots of prayers and virtual hugs to get you through this time. Our adoption fell through this January, different circumstances, but still, nevertheless sucks and I don't think we'll ever recover emotionally.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I am very sorry. Here from LFCA and we took had an adoption plan fail for us. :(

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm so sorry your little Jolie isn't coming home with you. I realize that your heart must be breaking to pieces and, my heart goes out to you. I don't quite know what to say. I can't believe that these things are allowed. I can't imagine the pain behind the decision to give up my baby for adoption. Still, once one have decided to take that step, one shouldn't be allowed to shatter the new family's hearts to pieces. It just seems so incredibly unfair. Thinking of you in this difficult time.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh, Amber, I really did miss a lot!! I am so very sorry for your loss. Thinking of you guys. xoxox

    ReplyDelete