I once heard or read that good news travels faster than bad news. I have certainly found this to be true. So many heard our news quickly but we have several people that have not heard our bad news. So far I have been asked outright something to the effect of , "where's the baby/ how's the baby doing?" I hate this question. It not only makes the person asking it feel awkward, but sometimes makes me almost get teary.
Tonight was one of those nights. We went to dinner after B's ball game and the first person we see inside the place asked us the second we walked in the doors. He also happened to be our first visitor at the hospital when I had B, and also the first person to text Matt with congratulations when Jolie was born.
Later as we were eating, another family walked in who I knew. This is the lady I had bought the adorable car seat cover from. The pretty pretty swing and the super adorable car seat cover were my two favorite things I was most excited about to use with Jolie. Of course, when our family said hello to their family before leaving I had to get the look and question from her..."how are you doing?" Everyone feels sorry for us, everyone feels bad, everyone doesn't know what to say- but we all know there is nothing anyone can do to help it.
I thought of J today. I know (I believe) she is still doing counseing for a few more weeks with our caseworker. I wondered today how she was doing. I thought for a brief moment about how that is going for her and thought about calling the caseworker to ask. Then I quickly dismissed it. That is not my business to know how she is doing in counseling anymore. Also, I didn't want to hear about if she had asked for more diapers, formula, rides, etc. like we were told last time. I don't want to know that she is struggling to do it on her own.
I had some good days this week. We have been keeping busy and I have been enjoying my time off. I have found however that I am actually pulling away from those who are closest to me. I have avoided my closest friends who knew up to the minute details. I haven't felt like talking hardly at all. I have continued to try to hide out as best I can. I hurry to the car avoiding the awkwardness of those who have "heard the news". I don't want to cry anymore about it so I try to keep life as normal as possible.
I have tons of messages I need to respond to. I was touched by the people who wrote me emails or facebook messages telling me how sorry they were. These really meant a lot to me, even if I was not able to respond right away.
I quit my job today. I had called them last week and told them I will let them know by the end of this week when I will be returning. My original plan (can't remember if I have talked about this here) was that I was going to go back to home daycare with Jolie. When I was pregnant with B, I taught for my first year and then did home daycare until he went to school. I currently work with low income families with prenatal - age 3 families doing in home visits. Some of the families I work with have such a similar situation to J and Jolie I just don't think I can handle going back.
I sent them my notice today and it was so hard for me to make the commitment to leaving a job with benefits to one with none. (But staying home with my baby will outweigh any benefits I could have). I only have one child for daycare so I am really stressed about that. I need to pray hard that things will work out for us.