Beautiful day

I don't have time for a full post but know there are many of you (by many, I mean 4) who are waiting for news.

We had an absolutely fantastic day meeting that sweet baby at the hospital.  Our talks with A and her family made it even better.  I can't wait to share more, but we got home late.  We stopped to develop some pics and shared with the grandparents.  I'm still not packed and ready to leave the house tomorrow for our ICPC stay.

We are leaving the hospital with her tomorrow and I can't believe this is my last night before life gets crazy again with a newborn!

More pics and details coming soon!  :)  And, tomorrow afternoon we are planning to announce it to our friends

Thanks again for your prayers, messages, and support!

Oh, boy what a day- or should I say {Oh, Girl}

I am so tired and I did nothing more than wait around all day!

The day started off the day with a text from A saying "today is the day :)"   She kept me updated all morning with info like: we are at the hospital, they just hooked up my IV, and called when they broke her water at 10 and contractions were starting. 

I told her I wouldn't call her or text ( I responded to hers, just didn't send her ones on my own) because I didn't want wake her if she was sleeping or if she was in the middle of something)  She had also told me she didn't get any sleep last night so I knew she would sleep if possible.

Matt wanted me to text her around 12 to let her know we were thinking of her.  I did but said she didn't need to respond if she didn't want to, we just wanted her to know we were thinking / praying for her.  I also told her earlier in the morning that she had lots of people praying for her around the US.  (Thanks if this is you!)  She seemed really excited about that. 

She didn't respond until about 3 and I was started to get worried.  I remembered that recently my cell phone doesn't get text sometimes randomly.  I was worried she might have text me and that I was the one not responding.  This is why our agency really advises not to use text because they don't want people getting upset if someone doesn't respond right away etc. 

When she did respond, she said she had been in terrible pain earlier but was now doing better.  She was dilated to a 10!  I told her it would be very soon and hang in there. 

Matt and I had taken naps in the morning, ran to Sub.way for lunch and tried to sleep a little more this afternoon.  We were so anxious we couldn't do anything else!  I text her and asked if the nurses and doctors have been nice to her.  As I went to pick up B from school at around 3:25 she text me back saying that they have been amazing and that they hung a mirror up for her and she could see baby's head! 

Some people text and drive but this girl texts and delivers!

B and I hurried home because I knew the baby would be here soon!  We arrived a few minutes before the call came in from A that she was here!  She has a whole head of hair, was 6 lbs, 6 ounces, 19 inches, and had dimples like her mom!

We told her to let us know if/ when she wanted us to come to the hospital.  She said okay and we continued to share a few more texts and she sent a few more pics.  A while later she said they were getting ready to move her to the other room and she was going to rest.  I had a feeling she was going to have us not come up tonight. 

A little later she did call and say she was really tired and if it would be okay if we come up tomorrow.  Of course I said that was fine :)  She said we can come anytime so I told her we would probably come in the morning.  Matt is having a harder time with it than I am. 

When she sent us some of the pics tonight, I told her " I can't WAIT to hold her"  She said, " I know, I can't put her down, she's such a sweet baby :) you guys are gonna love her!"

I said "I already do!" and she said, "I can tell :) you guys are gonna be wonderful parents" 

Aww, love.

No News

Sorry for the late post but today was crazy.  I was up until 2:30 this morning.  I was so emotional and excited and just couldn't sleep.  Matt called me about 1 AM and said that the guys on his team had just given him a bunch of diapers.  How sweet. And it makes me laugh that they did it at 1 AM, not 11 when he went into work.  

A called around 6:20.  She said that the hospital had called and they were filled and not going to have room or staff for her today.  So, we are back to 7 AM tomorrow. 

So, Monday, Tuesday, Monday, and back to Tuesday. 

Moving it one day really moves things more than that.  CW hasn't heard from edad since he canceled the meeting.  Hopefully he comes in to sign after baby is born but if he doesn't, we have to wait the 5 business days for termination.  That makes it Monday vs. Friday.  Emom can't sign until his rights have been terminated.  So we are looking at Mon- Wed. and even though I feel that if we leave the hospital with baby, we are good, I will still have a little bit of reserve in the back of my mind.

Thank you for all of your messages, prayers, and thoughts today.  Tomorrow I plan to get a little sleep, pack my clothes/ supplies and finish a few last minute things around here. 

My baby boy

Matt works nights and I usually let B sleep in our bed once a week.  The house is so empty, and all of the pets (okay, not the hermit crab or bearded dragon, just two dogs and a cat) climb in with B and I.  This feels the safest when we are all together.

He asked me tonight if he could sleep in our bed.  I told him that I had said earlier in the week he could on Sunday night because it would be our last night with just us.  (Matt is off starting tomorrow)  B gave me a big long hug and was getting a little teary.  I asked him what was the matter and he said he was just excited to be a brother.  Seeing him so emotional got me emotional.  I hugged him back so tight and a sadness covered my heart.  He has been my one and only love for so long and is everything I could want in my baby boy.   I have so much love for him, will I have enough to share?  Will he be able to share me? This will be such a big change and I just felt overcome with the emotion of it all that I couldn't hold back my own tears.

Changes

A called me today while we were at a family Christmas but I didn't make it over to my phone in time.  She had sent a text asking if it was okay if she sent some pics to my phone that she wanted us to have.  I text back and told her we would love to have any that she has to share with us. 

She sent the ones she showed us Friday night here that she has taken of her belly and also some we hadn't seen of her younger sister and her and her friend.  I know that baby will love to have these when she is older.

She told me she would call me later.  I called her when we left to tell her I was on the way home and left her a voice message.  As I walked in the door, she called back. 

She told us that the doctor had called and had an opening so it is now back to MONDAY- TOMORROW!

I was so excited.  Freaking out mode.  Goose bumps.  Tears.   We talked for about a half hour and it was good.  We went over a few things she should take to the hospital like we discussed on Friday  (robe, slippers, her make up, etc.)  We talked about her family and that everyone was ready and excited for all of this.  She said her mom is going to spend the night with her on Monday night.  She asked me if they let the baby stay in the room with her because her dad was thinking they make the baby go to the nursery for a while.  I told her how they really encourage moms to keep the babies in the room.

She goes in at ten and I mentioned how that might be good so she doesn't have to get up so early but that she will be hungrier.  She was worried about that because she loves to eat!

She plans to call us during the day and update us and will call after the baby arrives for us to come and visit. 

I can't express how good this feels to have this kind of relationship.  I started crying on the phone with her and told her how excited I was that tomorrow was the day.  She said we will have our baby very soon!

I already feel a love for her and a desire to protect her.  I will pray for her to get through this and have a peace and comfort in her decision.

A visits our home

We picked up A at her house in the downtown area.  We called her when we were close and she told us that her mom wanted to walk her down (they live in an apt/ condo) to our car.  Matt and I thought that was very sweet.   Her mom greeted us with hugs and a kiss.  I had text A on the way that B said he was nervous to meet her.  She replied that she was too.   We had him get out of the car and introduced him to both of the ladies.  We chatted the whole way back to our town and she told us that her doctor had forgotten to schedule her induction and the date has now changed to Tuesday vs. Monday.  I was so disappointed!  It's only one day but I was looking forward to the busy Fri night- Sunday that I had planned and then, Boom! Baby Day!  She also decided on a name and was not going to use the one we had suggested but one letter different.  We still love the first name but I am not crazy about the middle name.  Matt tells me to get over it, it is not a big deal but I was a little disappointed.

We headed straight to a Mexican place in town we love to eat.  She had told us she loves Mex and that she was fine eating it while pregnant.  Matt and I giggled that she ordered a steak.  Lots of people were looking our way and in our small town on a Friday we knew about 9 tables of people.  Only a few stopped over.  I told her that everyone knows we are doing the adoption, but we haven't told people that we were selected yet.  We introduced her as our friend A.

After dinner, we headed around town for a tour of the town then back to our house.  She loved the room.  I could tell she was really excited about it.  She had been texting her mom the whole time she was with us and I told her she could take pics on her phone if she wanted to.  She was really excited about that.  Then we took her downstairs and I showed her all of the things I had packed.  I pointed to one storage tub and said this one is clothes and that I could show her if she was interested.  She wanted to see them so we started going through them.  She also enjoyed looking at them.  I told her I know we were not going to need all of these for our hotel stay but that I always over pack.  She said she does as well and when she goes to a slumber party she always packs a lot because she doesn't know what she wants to wear either.

She had a few other comments that were so ....15 and it made us smile.  I lover her innocence but feel a little sad for what she has to go through at such a young age.  She seemed really comfortable with us and just talked up a storm.  She told us more about herself, her family, school etc.  She asked us questions about the hospital, delivery, etc.

She and her mom are working on gathering pictures for us to have of A as a baby and little girl and their extended family.  I told A how this will really be a treasure for baby as she gets bigger.  She also asked if we would like to come to their house after the baby while we are at the hotel.  She wants to show us around where they live and I told her that we would love to.  This just feel so good and like such a good match.  I can't believe this is where we are.

Around 10 PM we headed back towards her house and made a stop for some frozen yogurt.  She had never been to this place and wanted to take her cup home with her so she could walk in eating it and make her brother/ sister jealous that we took her out for it.  :)

She is so respectful and uses her manners.  She thanked us for taking her out.  She just seems like such a good girl.

I am so happy we have met her and am looking forward to becoming a part of her family as well.

Misc.

I'm still not feeling good, my throat is sore, my ear hurts and I'm so so tired.  I'm stressed about our ICPC stay and my loss of income while we are gone.  We might have settled on a place to stay today though which does make me feel a bit better.  It is more than I want to spend, but a good rate for the hotel.  It provides a full kitchen which will help will saving money on meals out.  It is nice and clean and in an area close to other activities.

I did send the text to J today.   I didn't get a response.  I was at least hoping for one that said I had the wrong number so I wouldn't have to wonder if she got it or not.  I said Happy 1/2 birthday to J and that we think about them all each day.  Love and prayers, Matt, Amber, and B.

Tomorrow A goes to the Dr. and said she will call after.  I am excited to hear from her again. 

I am getting some done around the house but not as much as I would like do to being worn down with not feeling 100%.  I know there will not be lots of time for sleeping in my future either and I will have to get back to work as soon as possible.

B turns 8 on the 15th.  We are having a sleepover with his friends on Saturday night which is not the best timing but I don't want him to feel like we are pushing his birthday off.  I just called people to invite them and didn't get cute invites out like I would have liked (and even designed on Pic.mon.key)

I love all of the support we are getting from our friends and family that do know.  It feels so good to know that we have so many people who care about us and want to help.  My online friends are just as great.  Every email, message, or comment I get makes me smile because many of you are the ones who know just what this is like.

Please continue to pray for those still waiting for their call.  It is so very hard to go on and on without a plan.  The one couple I have written about a few times- I still don't know how I will share this news with them.  My heart hurts every time I think of it. 

Tonight while sitting in the rocking chair in the baby room I found a note on the dresser.  It was torn out from a notebook and had a drawing of a shooting star.  It had her name on the bottom and said "From Your Big Brother B" at the top.  Aww, Love.

Meeting Canceled

CW called today to let us know that edad had sent a text message to cancel the meeting for tomorrow.  He said he has to work.  She responded and asked him if he wants to reschedule it.  She waited a few hours and when she called me, she had not heard back.

He is only 16 and I am sure he is nervous.  I wish I could help him understand that we are not going to judge him.  I don't know if I could have understood that at 16 myself though.  I do hope we get an opportunity to meet him however.  I want to be able to share the story about what he was like when we met with him.  I want to have his approval for us to parent his child even though we are old enough to be his parents.  I don't want him to just sign relinquishments.  I feel that if he at least meets us, he is okay with us parenting.


Also, a few of you asked and I must have left out this important detail--- IT'S A GIRL!!!!  Love!

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is a day I've been thinking about for a long time.  December 4th.  Sweet baby doll J will be 6 months.  I have talked to the case worker a few times about wanting to contact J and see how they are doing.  I've heard she has moved back down South where her family lives.  I am happy about this.  They seemed to love her and I am happy she will have some support. 

She probably has a new number and that will make me sad.  I plan on sending her a text message and just saying I am thinking about them, Happy 6th months, and hope they are all doing well.  If she has a new number, the message won't even get to her. 

I hope baby J will always have a special feeling in her heart of being loved more than ever by three people here.  I hope J knows we still care about her and mean it when we said we are not angry with her.  We will always pray for them and the best possible life they can have. 

We love you baby girl.

Have I got news for you!

Hi everyone! I've been hiding a secret.  I'm still hiding it actually, but couldn't wait to get here to my little blog world to share it with all of you.  We have told a few of our family and close friends but that is about it for now.

We received a call that we were selected by an expecting mom the evening before Thanksgiving.  Matt coaches the youth wrestling program in our area and B and I were headed to a friends house to pick up her children for a play date that evening so she could prepare for Thanksgiving the following day.  Our caseworker called and asked if we were still working on updating our profile.  I said yes with a sign (meaning that yes, I marked all the pages that need updated....that is working on it right???) I really thought she was going to ask if we could have it done in the next few days or something. 

"Well you can stop, because your profile has been selected".   love.

B and I drove to where Matt was and had him come out to the car to listen in on the details that the CW shared with us.  It was so nice to hear them together vs. the first time of where I had to drive all the way home and tell them to Matt. 

The situation is good.  Really good.  Almost too good to be true.  I struggle thinking I am worthy of this.  One of the first things I thought of was my two adoption friends who are still waiting.  I know this is going to hurt them.  I know they will be happy but it's hard to see what seems like "everyone" else get their calls.

I'm not promising this time it is going to work out.  I promised that last time.  But, this one is good.  My heart is so happy.  I see two families becoming one.

Emom is 15.  Edad is 16. They are not together anymore.  She has the full support of her parents. We met them ( her and her parents) last Wednesday.  We had so many connections.  We talked with them for 2 1/2 hours and emom is such a beautiful girl.  We are already so proud of who she is and can easily see why her parents love her so much.

We meet edad this Tuesday.  He is pretty quiet the CW said.  He might be on his own.  He says he is on board with signing. 

On Friday, we are picking up Emom, A and bringing her to our home. 

I'm nervous, excited, and exhausted.  So exhausted that I have not been feeling well since Thursday from the stress I'm sure.  My kitchen cupboard is full of post it notes and things to get done.  The baby is coming a week from tomorrow! 

She is being induced on the tenth, plans for us to come to the hospital to visit each day and for us to take the baby home from the hospital.

My biggest stresses now are: finding a place to stay in NE while we wait for ICPC paperwork to be completed (crossing our fingers we are home for Christmas) and not having any income while I'm off of work.   This was partially covered last time when I was off work in June.  I have really been better about those things though the last week.  I know that we will find a way to make things work.





I'll keep you posted after we meet edad on Tues.  I am really excited for this because if he ends up not continuing contact, we will have some part of the story to share about when we met him.

A regular Sunday at church

This past Sunday started out as a regular Sunday.  Matt got off of work and waited for B and I as we finished getting ready.  We were out the door and early for church.  We sat in the car a few minutes listening to funny ringtones on my phone (One of B's favorite things to do).   Matt usually walks B to his building for kids church while I go on ahead to our building and get our spots.  (And by our spot I mean fifth row from the front, center aisle seats.  I'm not happy when I don't get my spot.)

As I walk in, I see that they have the Angel Tree cards laid out in the back.  We did this program last year where we selected a card of a boy who was close in age to B to shop for.  Since we were so early, there wasn't really anyone at the tables yet so I just thought I would take a peek and get our choice selection for who we wanted to shop for.  ( I'm kind of weird like that in that I like for the interests to be similar for B so he can help pick out things he would like)

As I am scanning the table, I see some baby ages and it hits me. I need to find a card for J's age.  None jump out at me so I ask the lady if she has any 5 or 6 month old girls.  She is looking through her stack (There are over 500 kids in need that our church is serving this year so not all of them were laid out on the tables yet) and says she has an 8 month old.  I tell her that won't work and I'm sorry to be such a pain.  After I said that I tell her I will be right back because my eyes have started to tear up.  I leave her searching her stack and head to the bathroom for some tissues.  I come back with a few tears and she has a found two for me to choose from.  I decided on a 6 month old looking for clothing.

I take the card and head to my seat.  I am still having a hard time getting the slow tears to stop dripping down my face as Matt arrives.  He asks what is wrong and I show him the card.  He understood.  I didn't even pick out a boy one because it was so hard being at the table.  After church he grabbed one that was perfect for us- a boy looking for legos. 

I was better by the time church got out and am looking forward to doing the shopping.  I just didn't realize that I will always have to pick a card to represent her too in my heart.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you!  May you count all of the blessings that you have and find some new ones along the way!

2012 Adoption Bloggers Interview Project

I am so excited to be participating in the 2012 Adoption Bloggers Interview Project being held at Production, Not Reproduction.   Last year, I was partnered with Mara from Marriage 2.0 and you can find her interview answers on this post.  Sadly, her blog is now private and I didn't save a copy of mine.  I really wish I could look back (and laugh) I'm sure and what I wrote.  I definitely don't consider myself a very good blogger or writer, but I was really looking forward to the interview project this year due to how much I have learned over the past year + since starting this adventure.

Heather at PNR did random pairings with tons of open adoption bloggers who represent all sides of the adoption triad.  My random match this year didn't seem too random.  I was really excited when I saw my partner because it was someone I felt I already "knew".  Even though we live just about an hour away, we have yet to meet in real life.  Actually, we have even been at the same baseball stadium and fireworks show at the same time but didn't get to meet.  I have been following her blog for about 4 years now and really look up to her with any adoption experiences she shares.  We have exchanged blog comments, emails, and even become facebook friends. I am looking forward to watching both of our families grow and eventually meeting in person!

She is an adoptive mommy to one of the cutest 4 year old boys ever. We both thought we were getting beautiful baby girls this spring and both are still parents to just our boys.   We are both praying, waiting, and hoping that our call comes in again soon.

Introducing......  Ashley from More Than Dog Children.

( I gave her a huge list of questions and told her to pick which ones....she answered every one!)

Q.  You currently have an open adoption with your son- What aspect makes you happiest about his adoption (besides him of course!) and is there something you would have done differently with the experience?  

A.  I feel like if we changed anything, our outcome could look different so this is a hard one for me! I can think of one thing: at the beginning, when D was a newborn, his birth parents wanted to meet every other week. D was a high maintenance baby and it took us 6 weeks to realize he had a horrible milk protein intolerance. So, we were exhausted and overwhelmed. To meet every other week was extremely stressfull. I wish we hadn't waited 6 months to address the frequency of visits.

Q.  In what ways did/ do you honor your son's birth mother?   

A.  We honor D's birth parents by staying committed to our openness. We have not missed a visit- ever. Sometimes we have to adjust it a week here or there but we haven't missed any. We also talk to D about who they are and look over pictures from when he was born. We tell them he loves him "tons and tons" and how he was in C's belly when he was a baby (age appropriate stuff, this will change over time and be more detailed). When he really started to understand he was in C's belly as a baby, not mine, he started telling everyone! Let's just say we had some interesting discussions with strangers at Target!

Q.  I read on several blogs where adoptive parents have different ways of sharing their child's story when it comes to school.  Now that your son is a big preschooler, do you share the fact that he is adopted upfront or prefer to keep it private with his school/ teacher? 
A.  D's adoption has came up since we are adopting again. When we were matched in April, we gave the teachers a heads up because they might be confused if D came to school as a big brother all of a sudden. They were all excited for use to adopt #2. I definitely did not talk them like, "just want you to know, D's adopted...." I would never do that! It was just to warn them of a potential new member of our family last April.

Q.  You are waiting for your second placement-  How have your views on adoption changed since becoming parents the first time?  

A.  Honestly, I'm a little jaded. D's birth parents changed their mind after a long match. Fortunately, we fell on the rare side of the stats, and they changed their mind again when he was 7 days old. This time around, I'm always waiting for our hearts to be broken. Also, I have this deep pit in my stomach that our wait will be super long because we already have a kiddo. I have this crazy belief that all birth parents want to give the ultimate gift to the childless couple. I need to keep in mind all BPs have different views of what they want to give to their child and some might want a sibling (or even an adopted sibling at that). In regards to adoption itself (not just the match/placement process), my views have changed immensely. I was SO SCARED to enter in to an open adoption. What would it feel like to have visits with the birth parents? Would I feel like mommy or would I feel like I was competing? Now, I know it's a beautiful relationship! I'm confident the openness is the best thing we could be doing for D. He knows who he is, where he came from, how loved he is! There is no doubt who mommy is, ever!

Q.  What do you think of all that paperwork involved in the process and what part do you dislike the most?  

A.  The paperwork BITES! I get bitter every time. There are so many sucky parents that will never have to disclose their health, their finances, get references, etc! Arg! I will say, this second time around, I knew what to expect and ripped it off like a bandaid- fast and less painfully. I dropped everything off (that didn't have to be sent in like fingerprints, background checks and references) within 24 hours of receiving it. That portion took us weeks the first time around!

Q.  How are you and your hubby supporting each other during the wait?  

A.  Mark is the coolest cucumber you'll ever meet. He could care less about the wait. He feels confident God's plan is perfect and our next child will join us in His timing. Now, I agree, but I'm squirmy! I never pictured my kiddos spaced out this far. We are ready to be parents again and D's super ready to be a big bro. Mark is supportive by hearing me complain and encouraging me with his steadfast trust in a bigger plan.

Q.  We both have big brothers in waiting also and I know you have made comments about how your son has started asking for a sibling (as do we).  How do you explain this process to him? 

A.  I always say the same thing: "You will have a baby sister/brother but only God knows when". He prays for a baby sister every night. He's too young to understand the 'waiting to matched' part of it. In fact, we feel like he's too young to be a part of anything at this point. With our match in April, we never told him anything that was going on (at time of match, when baby was born, when we were visiting baby at the hospital, etc). We felt it was important to protect his little heart and his inability to understand if the match fell through- which it did.

Q.  The baby showers, cute pregnancy announcements, and friends who have gone on to have 3, 4, and 5 children really weigh on me some days.  Is this difficult for you as well?  What do you rely on to get you through these days?  

A.  Oh, gosh, isn't that soooo hard?! I've had so many "oops" pregnancies around me these days. In addition to those announcements, I have to endure the complaining about not having a certain sex of baby or the bad timing of the pregnancy in general. It makes me want to scream. Most of our close friends have a kid Declan's age and are pregnant with or have #3 already. What I do to cope is to think about how good we have it. This summer when I was struggling bad, I consciously decided it would be the summer of swimming...because it was simple and we could! I had one kiddo to get ready, load up, keep track of, pay for. We went 3 times a week at least and it was such a fun time! I try to keep in mind how easy it it to just pick up and go. This changes dramatically with a newborn! Financially we have it easier too only having to pay for preschool. Little things like that keep my mind in a healthy place. But I definitely drift to the dark side. Sometimes I talk to my sister-in-law. She's adopted and has an extra dose of compassion when I'm feeling negative.
Q.  We have both been through failed placements for different reasons this summer-   Did that change any of your feelings on adoption and what advice can you give to someone who might be faced with this situation in the future?  

A.  It changed my opinion on the match/placement process by making me doubt future matches will actually result in a placement! I'm getting over this more and more every day. My opinion on adoption in general has not changed. D was worth the wait and kiddo #2 will be as well!

Q.  Most of my infertility/ adoption friends are all online. My husband laughs at me since I've never met most of them personally.  We know people who have adopted but don't have any "friends" who have.  Do you have any gal pals that you can identify with or are you surrounded by Fertile Myrtles?  

A.  We have one couple we are friends with who have adopted through the Children's Home like we have. We don't see them often, but when we do, there is an unspoken (and sometimes spoken!) understanding about all things adoption related. We have some acquaintances that have adopted internationally and one couple who have adopted from the foster system. We share a "cool, our kids are adopted!" bond, but nothing like the one couple who have a domestic open adoption like us.

Q.  You and your hubby are currently building a house (totally jealous!  fun!!!)  Do you plan to go ahead and set up a room for the baby when you move in if you are not placed by then?  

A.  SOOO excited to move in to our new place. We have designated nursery and will put all the baby gear in there. I don't think we'll decorate yet. We decorated for the little girl we were expecting in April and it's pretty depressing to think about taking that all down (haven't done that yet, oops). 

Check out this link on her blog to read my interview!  

Thanks so much Ashley for taking the time to be my interview partner!   Don't forget to check out the other blogger interviews here!

Random thoughts

Just a quick stop in for some random things I wanted to share. 

First- I'm looking forward to posting my Adoption Blogger Interview Project next week.  Be sure to stop back on Wed to read my interview of my partner from More Than Dog Children.

Second- This past weekend a friend of mine (who reads this I think) was back in town with her children for a family birthday party.  My family met up with her and the kids for a quick bite to eat before they headed back for their 2 hour trip home. 

Her oldest and her were going to run across the road to a clothing store and get a shirt that she needed for school.  We met at a Bass Pro store where I wanted to return a pair of shoes.  These stores are like a mini field trip and her kids have never been in one.  I said to leave the younger ones with us and that way it will be easier for them to shop. 

Her son is older than B by a few years, her next youngest daughter is a few months older than B ( we were pregnant together when I started teaching) and then they have a 3 year old.  My husband and the bigger kids headed in and I stopped to ask my friend a question as they were leaving the parking lot.  We turned to walk towards the entrance of the store and I grabbed the little girls hand.  She had one cute little fashion boots and a plastic necklace.  As we walked through those doors with me holding her hand, my heart hurt a little.  I want so bad to have a little girl of my own to hold her hand and do mommy things with her.

Third- last night I was with some friends and one of them mentioned something about what the date was.  She said the 8th and I thought to myself, "I missed it".  For the second time in a row, I missed it.   J turned another month older and I didn't even think of it.  I think of her everyday, but I didn't think of that on the 4th of this month or last month for that matter.  That makes my heart hurt. 

That is all I have for now.  I am having a happy day, the post makes me sound like I am down.  It was just a few things I wanted to share lately.

Adoption Group Dinner

I was really looking forward to our adoption group getting together for a reunion.  We had our agency training a year ago this month and this was the first time for any of us to meet again in person.  We have communicated over email through out the year but pretty simple stuff.

One of the couples in our group of 6 couples did not ever reply much to our group emails and was not able to join us.  We have recently found out that they were placed last month.  They have a daughter a year younger than B as well.

We were planning on it being the five couples.  We have B of course, one couple had a biological son through IVF about 6 months ago, one couple was placed with a boy two weeks after their profile was active last December (this little guy shares B's bday!) and the other three couples (us included) are still waiting families.

We had planned to meet in a central location for most of us that meant we drove about 50 minutes one way, 2 couples drove about 50 minutes the other, one couple lived about 20 minutes away and the final couple about two minutes away.  Didn't they luck out!!! :)  Our meeting spot was a bowling / entertainment place that was very nice.  They had a huge modern bowling area, laser tag, go garts, and arcade games.  There was also the restaurant section that was sort of like a sports bar.  It was really slow when we were there and so we had plenty of space.

Matt, B, and I arrived first (as usual) no one else was there.  B and Matt went to play laser tag and get that out of the way before everyone arrived.  We had planned that B could have an arcade card and play games and come back to check in with us every now and then type of thing.

The second couple came in and they were the ones who had adopted right away.  They have a beautiful boy with such dark handsome eyes.  At around 10 months of course they were busy the whole time chasing him!

As we were admiring the first little guy, we saw the third couple walking in.......carrying a baby seat!!    They were not one of the couples with a baby yet!!!   They had a tiny little guy who was around 30 days old.  He was such a cute little bug.  It was such a wonderful surprise!   When we had set the date for this meeting, they did not have him yet and decided to just surprise us instead of emailing again.  Of course we enjoyed passing him around.

The next two couples arrived and we moved to the table area.  We talked, passed babies, laughed, ordered food, more baby passing and story sharing on things like how are the relationships with the birthparents, how things went here and there with different situations, cases we were shown on, etc.  It was big time fun.

We took this picture before we left and I am so bummed we didn't take one a year ago.  But, we intend to do it again each year (at least) and will continue our picture tradition!  Next time we pray there will be at least two more babies in that photo!

I am only going to leave the photo up a few days since it has other families in it.

This picture makes me smile so big!  I just love it!  I love how we have grown!  Please say some extra prayers for the other waiting couple.  Our meeting was very difficult for her/ them.  They are such a great couple and we really enjoyed meeting them last year.  We can not wait for the day when they get their magical call!

I am totally smiling like a big ol' dork in the middle but I was just so happy!  

Dr. Seuss on Waiting

The Waiting Place… for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come,
Or a plane to go or the mail to come
Or the rain to go or the phone to ring,
Or the snow to snow, or waiting around for a Yes or No
Or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.
Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite
Or waiting around for Friday night
Or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake, or a pot to boil,or a Better Break or a string of pearls,
Or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.
No! That’s not for you! Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying.
You’ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing.
With banner flip-flapping, once more you’ll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
On and on you will hike, And I know you’ll hike farand face up to your problems whatever they are.
You’ll get mixed up of course, as you already know.
You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
And remember that Life’s a great balancing act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.
Will you succeed? Yes you will indeed!(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

More home study stuff etc.

My bloggy friend and #1 commenter Cat had another homestudy today.  I was happy to hear that it went well, which I was not worried about.  The one thing I always hear about home studies is how everyone gets all worked up about it and then it is easier than they thought.  Don't get me wrong, we cleaned liked mad to get things in perfect shape but for my second one....we really were not worried.  Cat said it best when she said that it is almost a disappointment when it is done because they go so smooth.

She also mentioned that they didn't ask any personal questions this time which I would agree with for us.  Our caseworker didn't ask us the things like the first time on how do you plan to discipline, what do you do when you have a disagreement, how were you raised, how did you meet blah blah blah.  This was just refresher stuff but nothing to deep.  One thing that I have read before from many people is how different the agencies are in regards to many different areas of details.  I plan to do a post on this soon and some of the things I've noticed.

BUT...here is the real reason for me getting on here to post tonight.  We got matched!  Ha ha! Just kidding.  Won't it be exciting when I can say that again.  That wasn't nice now was it???  I've had two glasses of wine so I'm still giggling about it.

Okay, seriously again.   Today we got a copy of our first home study in the mail (the one that is expiring)  We have never seen a copy of it and I have always wanted to ask everyone if it is something you usually get.  I actually just never remembered to ask.  I learned tonight from someone who is doing a private adoption that they have to send a copy of theirs to the attorney so I'm assuming that most of you do get it.  I had been curious as to what it said since I had never really read one before.

Ugh.  Didn't love ours.  I'm not worried about it or anything because I know we were approved and everything... it's nothing like that.  Honestly, I just expected it to be a little more about how great we are, what a fun and cool family we are etc.  I know it is our case workers job to interview and report back honest findings but some of the things in there I thought, "did we say that???" and some of the things are not accurate. 

For example- it says "Amber does not have a good relationship with her mom.  She calls her "needy" and reports that she calls several times a day".   Okay...I wouldn't exactly say that I don't have a good relationship with my mom...I mean, yes...she drives me nuts but I wouldn't use those words per se.  Maybe I did use the word needy but is that really what I wanted??

Or regarding discipline when I was raised... "Amber didn't break the rules often and therefore was not often disciplined.   When she was, her dad spanked her with an open hand on the buttocks"   Um....like one time that I can remember.   The question she had asked was how were you disciplined?  I told her about how I would be grounded (which was included) and she asked about spankings.... I KNOW if I was talking about it I would have said only one time because I don't think it ever happened to me other than that!!!!  

Matt has things where he talks about his parents divorce and his relationship with his parents growing up etc. that I wouldn't exactly say are his true feelings.


I know these things don't really matter on paper but they are bugging the heck out of me.  These are the biggest examples but there are a few more things that we read and said, "really???"  Some of it seems out of context and misrepresented.  There are also a few typos and that really drives me nuts too.

I just put it back in the envelope and put it away.  I don't want to look at it anymore. 

Checking In

Hi everyone!  And by everyone, I mean the 14 readers that I have ;)

Not much here to report.  Just waiting.  Passing time.  Getting older.  Matt and I have had our fingerprints, completed our financial summary and monthly budget, had our physicals, sent B's physical paperwork in (since he recently had a well child check the doctor is not requiring him to come in), signed several other random consent forms, updated our child preferences form and had our home study visit.

Our Home study visit:

Things went pretty well.  I of coursed had to stress about cleaning the house but was so very tired!  We planned it for a Wednesday when Matt was off from work and I only have one daycare little baby.  He is 6 months old and should be sleeping during our scheduled time.  (ha!)

We were really relaxed and not nervous about her coming.  We were done with picking up/ cleaning to where I felt comfortable and even had time for us to go out to lunch together.  We had about an hour before our caseworker was to arrive so just chilled out while we waited.

She asked us basic questions and nothing too intense like last time.  Questions like:  have we done anything new to the house, do we plan to still move closer to the bigger city, how do I like being home again doing daycare etc.  We showed her around the house and when we showed her the {super cute} nursery, she asked if it bothered us to have it still set up.  Both Matt and I feel fine with all of the baby things in there.  We walk by it multiple times a day and go in it several times as well.  I actually keep the extra daycare stuff in there (exersaucers, high chair booster seat, activity mat) so we don't have to have it out in the living room in the evenings / weekends.  It doesn't bother me to go in and out.  I absolutely love the room.  I don't want to do all the work to take it down just to turn it into a storage of junk room again. Actually, we still have two pictures of baby J in there in frames.  I still feel like it is a bit her room until we have a new baby to put in there.  I must admit if we get a boy, I will be disappointed to take all of the girly things down.  I think if we didn't already have B, I would have a harder time with the room being set up maybe.  I am not going to say that I haven't ever gone in there and felt a bit of sadness that baby J is not in there growing big.  I do have those days, but for the most part, it doesn't bother me one bit.  What does bother me....is that I feel like the way she said it that she thinks it should bother us.  Should it???

We also talked about how I have asked her about us possibly contacting J.  I have felt it on my heart for a very long time (like 3 weeks after the change of heart) wanting to know that they were doing good and doing okay.  I have held back because I do feel like in many ways we were taken advantage of during our time together.  I don't think she was doing it on purpose, but do feel uncomfortable with some of the things we bought/ paid for etc.  I in no way want to contact her to see if she wants to change her mind.  I just feel like after we spend 2 months together 1-2 times a week and agreed to an open relationship with her that it is difficult to just shut the door and end it that quickly.  We loved her and her son A just as much and do care about their well being.  I was/ am however worried that if I contact her, she might ask for more assistance.  Things like a ride to the store, diapers or formula, etc.   I know I can't do that for her and that would cost me emotionally to have to be in that position again.  I hate to say no but I have to let her do it on her own.    J and A both celebrated a birthday in September.  I wanted so badly to just send them a message and let her know I was thinking of them.

The caseworker did say that she believes that J has moved back to Texas with her family.  This made me feel really good.  She also said that she believes C (her husband) is going to be going back to Mexico.  I am happy for J and A because she didn't have anyone here.  I am happy she will be back with her family and have their support.  In all of the pictures she had showed me on her phone of her family, they looked happy.  She needs support, guidance, and love.   I hope they are able to find it there.   I feel more comfortable knowing they are there and contacting them.  I won't physically be able to pick her up when her car won't start again, buy her meals, diapers etc.   I am thinking that I might try to contact her when J is six months in Dec.   I don't even know if her number is the same though so I'm not sure if it will work or not. 

The caseworker talked to B after school about how he liked me being home again.  She talked to him about school and sports but nothing else really adoption related.  She asked again about Matt's guns and storage of the keys, ammo, etc.  She noticed we had a new car (that we bought for having the baby and daycare kiddos)  Her visit was a lot shorter than last time and just kind of like a check in. 

We are meeting with our adoption group that we went through training with on Sunday.  There were six of us couples together.  I'm not sure if I had posted about them before.  We met at our agency training a year ago.  One couple was newly pregnant at training and they allowed them to continue through the 2 months of training because she had always miscarried.  (Our agency does not allow you to be pregnant and be in the program)  The pregnancy went well and they now have a healthy baby boy.  Another couple was placed very quickly after our training in December.  The third couple was placed with one of the three recent babies we were shown to the birth mothers.  Two couples are still waiting with no children and then us, having gone through our change of heart situation.    5 of us couples are going to meet.  It is going to be very bittersweet.

2012 Adoption Blogger Interview Project

I am so excited to participate in the 2012 Adoption Blogger Interview Project.  I participated last year, but feel like I have so much more "under my belt" this year.  I'm not a big blogger by any means, but I at least feel a little more comfortable talking about it since we have had quite a year. 

This project gives readers the opportunity to get to know several other adoption related bloggers and possibly find some new friends.  I know I was able to find a few new favorites from last year.  If you have a blog, I would like to encourage you to sign up to share your thoughts.  If you don't have a blog or feel comfortable pairing up with someone.... I hope you will at least take the time to read through some of the interviews when they are posted. 

Here is a link to mine from last year.   I haven't read my comments yet but it will be interesting to see what I said a year ago and how my thoughts might have changed!  (sad... it appears my partner from last year has made her blog private.  I will see if I can find my answers somewhere)

Moody Momma

Ick, crap, boo, and poop.  That is how I feel I have just been in a bad mood and grumpy about all of this the past few days.  We were called on Thursday afternoon by our caseworker R and told we were not selected for this baby.  The birthmom had not made a decision yet but she had narrowed it down.  All of the families she narrowed it down to did not have kids.  She wanted the family to be able to give 100% of their attention to the baby.  Because apparently we wouldn't.  I know I should be more understanding of the birthmom's desires, but for one B has so much love to give for a baby I see it as we have more love to offer.  For two, this is her tenth kid.  I could go on and on and say some nice things but I will stop there.  I am only feeling this way out of hurt and slight desperation so I will just quit with that.

The following day we received our packet from the agency that it is time to renew our home study and other information.  Yea!!! How fun!  Spending more money and time to wait and wait some more.  I knew our update was coming due but I thought it was just the home study that needed done.  I thought that meant they would need to come down, see the house, talk with us again etc.  Oh no.  It's physicals, fingerprinting, monthly budget, tax returns, financial statements, etc. again.  Pretty much everything except the reference letters.  But, I haven't read that closely yet so hopefully that is not in there too!

I talked with another waiting mom from our training group.  They do not have a child yet and I can't wait for them to be placed.  I will be so happy for them when they are parents.  I know how badly they are longing for a child to love.  They have been shown to the same three birthmoms as us and one more I think.  I know she is feeling down about it as well.

She received the monthly update last week (which I didn't... I always do via email but did not get it this time... will call tomorrow about that)  I asked her to forward it and she sent it on with a little warning that it is a little depressing.  I will admit that I did get crabbier after I read it.  First off, J is still on the list.  It says J, delivered a healthy baby girl in June. Parenting and still receiving support.  I wish it would say selected an agency family and once the baby was nine days old she decided to parent and is still receiving support.  It just hurts seeing her name on there still.  I really don't know why it's still on there.  Others are not on from that long so I will ask about this.  This is the list I can't wait to get each month to see if there are any new prospective birth moms.  Seeing her on there each time just starts off sour.  There is also no current potential birthmoms.  That is depressing. 

Today B and I went shopping a bit.  He still talks about baby girl and A often.  While in the toy aisle, he says things like, "if we had baby girl, she would like this mom".   Or he finds clothes he would like to get her or something similar.  Tonight on tv there was commercial and I heard him say to Matt, "dad, did you see that little boy on there that looked like A"?


I was over at my grandma's tonight and she was asking about what day was Matt's birthday.  She couldn't remember if it was the 9, 10, or 12 of this month.  I wanted to say it was the 12th, but hey.. A's birthday is the 10th.  He will be 3.  (Also as a side note that Matt and I giggled about... this is also the week that J conceived baby girl- we did the conception calculator once we had the due date)

Tomorrow baby girl will be three months old.  I miss her so much and I would love to see her.  I am having a hard time this weekend after all of the above stuff, but usually I am doing really good.  I am okay with J parenting her.  I am okay that she is with her mom.  We said we were going to go into a relationship with J and I struggle with how we just shut that off.  I think of all of them often and miss them often.  I hope and pray they are doing well.

Seeing that there are no current moms on the list making adoption plans made me want to quit.  I hate this waiting. I hated the beautiful pink room I walked by a dozen times this weekend.  I hate that B is almost 8.  I don't want them to be so far apart.  I hate that we have waited before and spent money before on our surrogacy and things have never turned out the way we wanted.  I hate that I am so bitter and crabby this weekend.



Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.

3rd showing in 3 weeks

I'm skipping ahead a bit here but want to get this out there.  We could really use your prayers and good thoughts.  We are being shown to a potential birth mom tomorrow, the day of her induction. 

We have been shown two other times over the past three weeks.  The first one came down to us and the other family for a little boy due Sept. 22.  The second one we got called on our anniversary and it was for a tiny little baby girl.  I don't know details about why we were not selected who it came down to or anything, just that it was not us that time.

The situation today of course has several special circumstances which is why they called us to ask if we want to be shown.  All four of the times we have been shown (that we know of ) they have called us on.  I did not expect that at all.  I was expecting lots of waiting and then one day the magic call.  It puts so much pressure on me to have to decide yes or no.  We completed the multi page document with what we are open to so when they call and give us scenarios... it makes me start to second guess. 

But, we are pretty much 100% comfortable with the circumstances with this baby and throwing our hat in the ring for tomorrow.  Like I mentioned, expecting mom is being induced so not sure if she will get a decision made or not tomorrow.  Depends on how she is feeling they said. 

But...after two recent no's.... I really don't want to hear a no again. 

The problem with blogging

I'm a little OCD when it comes to my blogs.  I say blogs because I have multiple ones.  I'm pretty much behind on all of them.  My ladies group and my book club ones are up to date, but that really just requires a monthly post on the what and where. 

When I get really tired or busy, I don't have (make) time to write.  I read all of my favorite blogs and love them to pieces but I don't get comments done like I would like and posts done on my own.  I start these blogs to be a place to keep memories for myself.  I love looking back at them and can't believe I have done it for as long as I have.  Some of them go back several years. 

When I am in one of these busy/ tired slumps... I miss important events and day to day thoughts and emotions.  I think of little things I would like to pop in and post...but don't let myself do it because I say (does anyone else talk to themselves this much) that I can't post that yet- I haven't written about such and such yet.  And then, I'm way way behind. 

This happened with my general family blog.  We took an amazing trip to Disney and that of course required a ton of time and thought to post about our wonderful trip.  I was doing good posting weekly updates and reviews on what we had done but got in a rut because I couldn't post anything until I had the Disney update done. 

Anywho... so that is my story (excuse).  I just updated my time line on the side bar and have several things that I haven't written about.  I also of course, have had quite a range of emotions during all of this.  I know I have forgotten some of it and this makes me sad. 

Our time with J and baby girl was so special.  I don't want these memories to fade, but I know they are not going to be the part of our life we had hoped. 

So, as I write a little about the events over the past two months- it will be brief.  I'm not going to stress about getting every little thing down.  Just like I never had the chance to write about our awesome birth/ hospital experience.  It was so much so fast, I thought I would be able to do it as baby girl was in my arms and a few weeks old. 

I love her so much. 

How news travels

I once heard or read that good news travels faster than bad news.  I have certainly found this to be true.  So many heard our news quickly but we have several people that have not heard our bad news.  So far I have been asked outright something to the effect of , "where's the baby/ how's the baby doing?"  I hate this question.  It not only makes the person asking it feel awkward, but sometimes makes me almost get teary.

Tonight was one of those nights.  We went to dinner after B's ball game and the first person we see inside the place asked us the second we walked in the doors.  He also happened to be our first visitor at the hospital when I had B, and also the first person to text Matt with congratulations when Jolie was born.

Later as we were eating, another family walked in who I knew.  This is the lady I had bought the adorable car seat cover from.  The pretty pretty swing and the super adorable car seat cover were my two favorite things I was most excited about to use with Jolie.  Of course, when our family said hello to their family before leaving I had to get the look and question from her..."how are you doing?"  Everyone feels sorry for us, everyone feels bad, everyone doesn't know what to say- but we all know there is nothing anyone can do to help it.

I thought of J today.  I know (I believe) she is still doing counseing for a few more weeks with our caseworker.  I wondered today how she was doing.  I thought for a brief moment about how that is going for her and thought about calling the caseworker to ask.  Then I quickly dismissed it.  That is not my business to know how she is doing in counseling anymore.  Also, I didn't want to hear about if she had asked for more diapers, formula, rides, etc. like we were told last time.  I don't want to know that she is struggling to do it on her own.

I had some good days this week.  We have been keeping busy and I have been enjoying my time off.  I have found however that I am actually pulling away from those who are closest to me.  I have avoided my closest friends who knew up to the minute details.  I haven't felt like talking hardly at all.  I have continued to try to hide out as best I can.  I hurry to the car avoiding the awkwardness of those who have "heard the news".  I don't want to cry anymore about it so I try to keep life as normal as possible. 

I have tons of messages I need to respond to.  I was touched by the people who wrote me emails or facebook messages telling me how sorry they were.  These really meant a lot to me, even if I was not able to respond right away.

I quit my job today.  I had called them last week and told them I will let them know by the end of this week when I will be returning.  My original plan (can't remember if I have talked about this here) was that I was going to go back to home daycare with Jolie.  When I was pregnant with B, I taught for my first year and then did home daycare until he went to school.  I currently work with low income families with prenatal - age 3 families doing in home visits.  Some of the families I work with have such a similar situation to J and Jolie I just don't think I can handle going back. 

I sent them my notice today and it was so hard for me to make the commitment to leaving a job with benefits to one with none.  (But staying home with my baby will outweigh any benefits I could have).  I only have one child for daycare so I am really stressed about that.  I need to pray hard that things will work out for us. 

Up and Downs

Friday was my birthday.  We had planned on this being our first full day as parents to Jolie and would celebrate in another state waiting for ICPC.  Instead, we tried to make some other plans for us and I was hoping I would still be able to enjoy the day. 

Our day started off by heading uptown to eat at one of my favorite sandwich shops.  We stopped at Target where Matt and I both got a new CD.  Just before we left town I had a call from a flower shop that they had a delivery for me.  I said we would just stop and pick it up on our way home.  It was from my FIL and my husband's step mom.  We came home and I decided to try to make some cupcakes for my friends for later that night when we were getting together.  My sister and her husband were on their way from out of town.

Just as I was ready to pop them in the oven, we discovered our oven wasn't working!  I had also planned to put a dish in after the cupcakes that  a friend had made for me the night before (Thank you Laura!!!)  before we headed to B's baseball game.  I am so blessed and have a grandma who was more than happy to preheat her oven for me as I ran the stuff over to her.

She put the dinner in and then was going to bake the cake.  Matt ran over to grab the dinner when it was finished just before my sister and husband arrived.  My sister ate a little with us and joined us at the ball game.  The night was beautiful for a game. 

I had sent a last minute message earlier that day to several friends to join us a the local brewery after the game.  My grandma took B home after the game and several of my friends stopped in.  We had a great time, even though there was no cupcakes! I have some super great friends and family and they made me feel so good.  It was so nice to have them there.  I felt so loved and supported.

After we left there a few girls and my BIL and sister came back to our house where we sat outside a little longer.  It was just a beautiful night!

The following day 3 of the girls from the night before (one being my sissy) joined me for a pedicure.  We had 2 hours full of fun and laughter.  We decided the only way to get pedis is to get them in a group!

It was great to have my sister in town for the weekend too.  We were able to spend lots of time together.  I'm so glad that we have gotten closer than ever over the last few years. 

I can honestly say that I felt good.  Thursday night, Friday, Saturday I really did feel good.  I had maybe only one or two times where I felt a little sad.  I really did feel full of happiness again however.

Sunday, today, was not so good.  I'm not exactly sure what started it.  Part of it was that we didn't go to church.  When Matt gets home from work on Sundays we always go to church together before he goes to bed for the day.  He was super swamped last night and really just wanted to go to bed.  I'm okay for just B and I to go but he didn't like that today.  He wanted us all to go or all to stay.  I knew he was so tired, and my sister and BIL were still here anyways so I just said we would stay.  I regretted it almost instantly and should have just gone.  Then I said since I was up, I would go for a run since it was early.  Hello humidity.  I am new to this whole running thing and can't even call myself a "runner" yet.  I am signed up to do my first 5K next Saturday.  I have really struggled with the hot humid days.  The past two weeks with all of this stuff, I haven't been out very much and probably won't make my goal now of running the whole thing.  I didn't care what my time was (it's not timed anyways) I just wanted to run all of it.

My sister and hubs were packing up to leave and Matt finally got to get to bed.  I pouted on the couch a little and read for a while.  I was hot, I couldn't get back to sleep. I made B some cereal and he hung out watching tv for a while.  I got up to take a shower and that didn't help.  I felt so down, so sad, so unmotivated to do anything.  All I wanted to do was go back to bed.  I hated this day.  B and I played a game of Monopoly Jr. He made himself some lunch (he loves to do that) and I ate 1/2 can of spaghetti o's I bought for myself the other day (feeling sorry for myself at the store, thinking these will be such good comfort food....um, really? I can't believe I ever liked these?  Bigger letdown for the day)  B played on the computer in the chair by me and I tied to get to sleep on the couch.  I felt like a loser mom making my son play by him self for the majority of the day. 

Later when Matt came out I was still feeling stressed and couldn't convey this to him correctly.  I told him I was sad, stressed, worried but I couldn't tell him why.  I didn't know why.  It was just an overwhelming feeling through out the whole day.  I don't think he "got it" since I had been good the past few days and that irritated me more.  I was stressed about needing to figure out what I am going to do for a job ( I am out of paid leave, something needs to be done ASAP) and I was thinking about tomorrow being Monday and Jolie will be 3 weeks old. 

Am I forever going to hate Mondays as a reminder of her? Will I think of her every Monday and try to think about how many weeks she is and how big she is getting? 

B goes to art camp this week and I have another counseling appointment on Thursday.  I won't be able to sleep til 10-11 with him having camp so I hopefully get some other things done.  B has games M-W-F night and I hope to get the baby things that I packed away taken out to storage at Matt's moms.  I have 6 tubs plus things like the bathtub, etc. to take out there.

I feel like I have been a bad friend to my friends.  I have only been thinking about myself and our family and problems and not talking to any of my friends. I  know they are going through things with their relationships, health, and more but I feel so consumed by my situation.  

Ugh, hoping tomorrow is a better day. 

Blog Holes

My blog has so many holes recently.  I have jumped all over due to lack of energy to do any of it lately.  Please excuse me for that. 

 I thought of two things from the post about our trip to the water park after we got the call.  We called from home to book a reservation and then headed out of town.  It is about a 2 1/2 hour drive to get there and they wouldn't take online reservations for the day of.  When we arrived to the lodge, there was a HUGE sign hanging above the entrance "Welcome National Cheerleading Something".  As we looked around we were surrounded by hundreds of high school girls practicing all around the grounds of the place.  They were ALL OVER inside and out for the two days.  Being surrounded by that many giggly girls could have only been topped off by coming to a baby convention :)

We arrived on Wednesday late afternoon.  We swam right away, hung out in the arcade, ordered pizza etc.  All of the things we could do to try to get our mind off of reality.  When I woke up in the morning, I tried to keep my eyes closed as long as I could.  I didn't want to wake up and face this day.  I wanted it to be a very bad dream.  I thought if I sleep a little longer I won't be in the hotel.  I won't be in this other state.  I will be that much closer to the baby girl we fell in love with.

But, it was real and I couldn't sleep forever.

Planned Placement Day

Today, the day that seemed so far away 10 days ago did not end the way we had prayed for.  We are going to bed in our own home instead of in a neighboring state with our new baby waiting for ICPC.

Our meeting was brief but went so much better than we had thought it would turn out.  We had such a feeling of peace after we left. 

I'm ready for bed now and will try to celebrate my birthday tomorrow but can't wait to come back and share the sweet details.

And, sweet baby Jolie was more beautiful than ever.

Wednesday

I called the CW to see if she had heard from J.  Apparently she had trouble with her phone and thought she had text me.

J was very excited to meet us on Thurs.  We are meeting at the office at 3:30.  She said she plans on us having some alone time with Jolie and that when J is in with us she will also be.  She better be because this is what bothered us with our last visit.

Tomorrow we will say goodbye to a piece of our heart.  We will hold her and kiss her.  We will tell her how much we will always love and pray for her.  How special she is.  How much we will miss her.  How much we hope her life is filled with happiness.

That is all I know so far.  I don't know what I will say to J.  I will keep it nice. I don't ever want to make her feel guilty for parenting.

I have thought about writing something to her to read but just not sure if I can do that.  I know Matt will cry and be filled with sadness too. 

I know that Friday, what was going to be our first full day with Jolie as our daughter and also my birthday, will not be filled with happiness and celebration.

Monday- 18th

On Monday I woke up with dreams of Jolie.  She would be 2 weeks today.  She was supposed to go in for her 2 week check up.  I dreamed that I had to go in to the dr to get a note so I could stay home from work using my sick days (which is true, I need to do this)  I dreamed I went back to the same dr we had done all of the prenatal/ post natal visits.  When I arrived J was in the waiting room with Jolie but didn't see me come in.  I watched her for about five minutes until she got called back.  When she got called back, she put Jolie in her purse (standing up style- head peaking up over the top) and went back. I broke down in tears in the waiting room because that was supposed to be our little girl.

Later that day I was struggling because I needed to call my work and let them know what was going on.  I tried and just couldn't get the courage.  I have so co-workers who know but have some very dumb unprofessional supervisors.  I pushed it off until the next day.

Later in the day as I laid on the couch I started missing J.  I missed her shoes.  I missed the way she laughed and things she said.  I thought about the day we pulled up to take her to the doctors about for Jolie's jaundice and she ran her out to us so we could have that extra time with Jolie while she finished getting ready since we were early.  This was the first time I have missed her but realized now that I will miss her and A as well.  I was looking forward to our relationship that I thought we were going to have.

 The case worker called later in the day.   I was a little irritated we had not heard from her yet from Mon- Mon.  She said that when she left town the supervisor told her that we were supposed to shut our phones off while we got away for a bit so she said she would call us Monday.

Whatever. 

Anyways, I told her we would be interested in meeting with J and baby for a final time.  Matt thought Thursday would be a good day since 1- that is the day she said she would sign and we would have our entrustment ceremony and 2- it is his day off.  She said she would ask her about it.  I asked her if she thought J would go for it.  She said she thought she would because she had been asking about us.

I also asked the caseworker something I had asked the supervisor which she did not know. 

Did J cry when she told her that she was going to have a change of heart?  The answer was no.  That made me sad.


Everyone at the agency said they did not see red flags, J was very adamant up until the end that she was going with the plan.  They are all basically shaking their heads and looking back over the situation.  She said she felt like she had been played a little bit when she told her. 

Maybe in the future I will be able to share a little more of the details that lead up to us feeling this way.  I'm not trying to be anti-birthmother and she has to give us the baby if she says she is going to , but there were a few things that were kind of weird that I haven't shared because I don't want people to think badly of J.