Checking In

Hi everyone!  And by everyone, I mean the 14 readers that I have ;)

Not much here to report.  Just waiting.  Passing time.  Getting older.  Matt and I have had our fingerprints, completed our financial summary and monthly budget, had our physicals, sent B's physical paperwork in (since he recently had a well child check the doctor is not requiring him to come in), signed several other random consent forms, updated our child preferences form and had our home study visit.

Our Home study visit:

Things went pretty well.  I of coursed had to stress about cleaning the house but was so very tired!  We planned it for a Wednesday when Matt was off from work and I only have one daycare little baby.  He is 6 months old and should be sleeping during our scheduled time.  (ha!)

We were really relaxed and not nervous about her coming.  We were done with picking up/ cleaning to where I felt comfortable and even had time for us to go out to lunch together.  We had about an hour before our caseworker was to arrive so just chilled out while we waited.

She asked us basic questions and nothing too intense like last time.  Questions like:  have we done anything new to the house, do we plan to still move closer to the bigger city, how do I like being home again doing daycare etc.  We showed her around the house and when we showed her the {super cute} nursery, she asked if it bothered us to have it still set up.  Both Matt and I feel fine with all of the baby things in there.  We walk by it multiple times a day and go in it several times as well.  I actually keep the extra daycare stuff in there (exersaucers, high chair booster seat, activity mat) so we don't have to have it out in the living room in the evenings / weekends.  It doesn't bother me to go in and out.  I absolutely love the room.  I don't want to do all the work to take it down just to turn it into a storage of junk room again. Actually, we still have two pictures of baby J in there in frames.  I still feel like it is a bit her room until we have a new baby to put in there.  I must admit if we get a boy, I will be disappointed to take all of the girly things down.  I think if we didn't already have B, I would have a harder time with the room being set up maybe.  I am not going to say that I haven't ever gone in there and felt a bit of sadness that baby J is not in there growing big.  I do have those days, but for the most part, it doesn't bother me one bit.  What does bother me....is that I feel like the way she said it that she thinks it should bother us.  Should it???

We also talked about how I have asked her about us possibly contacting J.  I have felt it on my heart for a very long time (like 3 weeks after the change of heart) wanting to know that they were doing good and doing okay.  I have held back because I do feel like in many ways we were taken advantage of during our time together.  I don't think she was doing it on purpose, but do feel uncomfortable with some of the things we bought/ paid for etc.  I in no way want to contact her to see if she wants to change her mind.  I just feel like after we spend 2 months together 1-2 times a week and agreed to an open relationship with her that it is difficult to just shut the door and end it that quickly.  We loved her and her son A just as much and do care about their well being.  I was/ am however worried that if I contact her, she might ask for more assistance.  Things like a ride to the store, diapers or formula, etc.   I know I can't do that for her and that would cost me emotionally to have to be in that position again.  I hate to say no but I have to let her do it on her own.    J and A both celebrated a birthday in September.  I wanted so badly to just send them a message and let her know I was thinking of them.

The caseworker did say that she believes that J has moved back to Texas with her family.  This made me feel really good.  She also said that she believes C (her husband) is going to be going back to Mexico.  I am happy for J and A because she didn't have anyone here.  I am happy she will be back with her family and have their support.  In all of the pictures she had showed me on her phone of her family, they looked happy.  She needs support, guidance, and love.   I hope they are able to find it there.   I feel more comfortable knowing they are there and contacting them.  I won't physically be able to pick her up when her car won't start again, buy her meals, diapers etc.   I am thinking that I might try to contact her when J is six months in Dec.   I don't even know if her number is the same though so I'm not sure if it will work or not. 

The caseworker talked to B after school about how he liked me being home again.  She talked to him about school and sports but nothing else really adoption related.  She asked again about Matt's guns and storage of the keys, ammo, etc.  She noticed we had a new car (that we bought for having the baby and daycare kiddos)  Her visit was a lot shorter than last time and just kind of like a check in. 

We are meeting with our adoption group that we went through training with on Sunday.  There were six of us couples together.  I'm not sure if I had posted about them before.  We met at our agency training a year ago.  One couple was newly pregnant at training and they allowed them to continue through the 2 months of training because she had always miscarried.  (Our agency does not allow you to be pregnant and be in the program)  The pregnancy went well and they now have a healthy baby boy.  Another couple was placed very quickly after our training in December.  The third couple was placed with one of the three recent babies we were shown to the birth mothers.  Two couples are still waiting with no children and then us, having gone through our change of heart situation.    5 of us couples are going to meet.  It is going to be very bittersweet.