This past Sunday started out as a regular Sunday. Matt got off of work and waited for B and I as we finished getting ready. We were out the door and early for church. We sat in the car a few minutes listening to funny ringtones on my phone (One of B's favorite things to do). Matt usually walks B to his building for kids church while I go on ahead to our building and get our spots. (And by our spot I mean fifth row from the front, center aisle seats. I'm not happy when I don't get my spot.)
As I walk in, I see that they have the Angel Tree cards laid out in the back. We did this program last year where we selected a card of a boy who was close in age to B to shop for. Since we were so early, there wasn't really anyone at the tables yet so I just thought I would take a peek and get our choice selection for who we wanted to shop for. ( I'm kind of weird like that in that I like for the interests to be similar for B so he can help pick out things he would like)
As I am scanning the table, I see some baby ages and it hits me. I need to find a card for J's age. None jump out at me so I ask the lady if she has any 5 or 6 month old girls. She is looking through her stack (There are over 500 kids in need that our church is serving this year so not all of them were laid out on the tables yet) and says she has an 8 month old. I tell her that won't work and I'm sorry to be such a pain. After I said that I tell her I will be right back because my eyes have started to tear up. I leave her searching her stack and head to the bathroom for some tissues. I come back with a few tears and she has a found two for me to choose from. I decided on a 6 month old looking for clothing.
I take the card and head to my seat. I am still having a hard time getting the slow tears to stop dripping down my face as Matt arrives. He asks what is wrong and I show him the card. He understood. I didn't even pick out a boy one because it was so hard being at the table. After church he grabbed one that was perfect for us- a boy looking for legos.
I was better by the time church got out and am looking forward to doing the shopping. I just didn't realize that I will always have to pick a card to represent her too in my heart.
Happy Thanksgiving to all of you! May you count all of the blessings that you have and find some new ones along the way!
I think what I love most about this post is all you had to do was show the card and he knew. You have an amazing husband and son. I'm sorry for your heart ache. I wish I could tell you when your family will be complete. Last night I read my blog oct-jan of last year. My heart was breaking but had I just known she was almost ready it would have been so much easier (however then I'd have to live w the unknown about if d would choose to parent). Have a blessed thanksgiving!
ReplyDeleteGoodness, I've got tears streaming down my cheeks. I pray that the baby that you're meant to parent will find its way to you soon! I pray for the pain to stop and for you to have peace, but I also know that you're never forget J. She'll always be on your mind and in your heart.
ReplyDeleteHappy Thanksgiving to you too!! I'm most thankful for my family and for a little boy who calls me mama. :-)