Thursday, April 19, 2012

Thoughts and Stress

I have so much that I have been wanting to write about but just not enough time. I am overloaded with work, stressed beyond belief trying to gather up as much used baby stuff from friends rather than buying it all new, working on throwing a baby room together, and trying to get organized in general before our life becomes a family of 4.  I am feeling super unorganized --more than usual unorganized.  I don't have B's pictures printed off the computer from something like the last 3 years- I always had told myself I will sit down and do it "one of these days".  How am I going to get caught up when I am quickly going to be behind on two kids, not one??  I have so much crap in this house!! I need to get rid of all of this stuff I don't use that is taking up space I need in our little house.  I thought I wanted to look into buying breast milk and using cloth diapers but I haven't done the research I should have done and don't feel prepared!  I have only briefly looked at information on them and it bothers me to not be a "know it all" on things like this. I thought we would have paid off a few more bills before we go the call and I am stressing about how we are going to afford all of this.  My 50 million blogs I feel like I have are all behind, including this one.  The truth of it all is, I thought we would have more time.  Things went so fast and I know people who have been waiting for ever and ever will hate that I sound like I am complaining.  I am not trying to complain I just don't feel like I am as ready as I imagined myself to be when the time comes.

Speaking of getting ready, this week I have been really bothered by the fact that I still feel paralyzed. I feel so overwhelmed with what needs to get done, it is as if I am stuck in the mud and can't move.  I haven't had a baby in so long I can't remember what all I need to be buying.  Random things will hit me and I think- oh, yeah... I need to get one of those.  When I was pregnant, I read all the magazines, checked over all of the lists, and had plenty of time to prepare for the big day.  The main things I think I need are some bottles, blankets, diapers, wipes, bathtub, and clothes.  I can get any of the rest of it as we come across it.  My sister, my mom and I had a major shopping spree this weekend.  We bought several of those things mentioned above and worked on putting the room together.  I mentioned earlier that is was thrown together, but really it is absolutely darling.  I will eventually post some pictures of it. 

When J delivered her first son, she went a month early.  Her due date is the end of May and I have already said that she works a very hard job 6 days a week.  What this means to me, is that I should be ready for our "go" call anytime.  I found out for sure that she does want me in the room with her during delivery.  This is so very exciting to me because when B was born, I was out under general anesthesia.  I have no idea what a birth experience is like and this was something I had really prayed for would work out this way for us.  I am so honored that she is allowing me to be in the room.

So, as I said about how I am preparing for the call anyday...I feel stuck here too.  I don't know what to do- what do get ready etc.  As I went to be last night I thought to myself I have no idea where the camera is laying and I should make sure it is always out and charged in case I get called in the night.  My mom says I should have a bag packed and I guess that is true.  What the heck do I need to pack????  I asked Matt the other day about what our plan was.  He works nights and I wanted to know what we are planning to do if we get called in the night and I am here alone with B.  I made sure J had all of our numbers and also checked with the case worker that she had ways to get ahold of us.  I am so scared I am going to miss it.  If you can't tell, I am in freak out mode.  What if I get the call but don't make it to the hospital in time??? Occasionally, I do take a step back however, and think to myself so what if I miss it.  I will still love that baby just the same when I get there. 

I am stressed about ICPC deal and us having to stay for up to two weeks in a hotel.  We live right on a border and it is going to drive us nuts that we can't drive 10 more minutes and go home!  The cost of the hotel stresses me, but also the fact that Matt works nights, sleeps days, entertaining a 7 year old, and I will feel stuck in the hotel.  I want to just snuggle up on our little girl during this time but sitting in a room for 2 weeks isn't going to feel to good either.  We are looking at some extended stay suites that offer a kitchenette which could save us money on eating out, but don't have much to offer with walking distance to just get out of the room for a while.  Some of the pricier hotels have things like a pool which could keep B entertained as well as tons of things in walking distance to enjoy.  May will probably be beautiful weather so I would love to throw on my Moby and stroll around and people watch.

Matt and I really want to keep the baby to ourselves during that two weeks and limit our visitors to a very minimum (as the agency suggests).  I am so crazy about the bonding time that I'm sorry, but I really don't want anyone else holding her but us 3. This is one good thing about us staying at the hotel vs. home.

I am stressed that I still haven't emailed the couple we made friends with during our training.  They were so sweet and loveable.  They have been through quite a journey as well as had bad luck with an agency in town so finally decided to start all over with our current agency.  We all said when we left our training days that we should get together and form a group for us to support each other as we received our placements and for those of us who continued to wait.  I just still feel so much guilt that we were selected first and that we already have our son.  This couple does not have any children yet and wants so badly to be parents.  I understand that they might not have been open to the same things we were open to on our preferences sheet.  I also know that J specifically wanted a family with children.  Those things are out of my control and the agency has told us over and over that the matches almost always end up where they couldn't have picked them better themselves.  My heart just hurts for those who haven't had the opportunity to parent.

Lastly, I want to truly thank all 5 of my readers.  You have offered me some of the most touching and special advice.  I have truly loved every comment and feel so blessed to have support from those of you reading.  I tear up almost every time when I read a comment and think of this journey I am on.   When will it feel real??  I had a comment a few posts back from Cathy @ Cat's Litterbox blog.  It reminded me that J is still an expectant mother, not a birthmom.  She is exactly right.  I have corrected so many people (my mother probably the most) on the adoption lingo.  I know that she is an expectant mom and I felt shocked when Cat called me out on this.  I wasn't offended that she posted that (please don't take it that way Cathy!) but felt bad that I had been doing that.  So from then on, I haveI tried to just call her J in my posts vs birth mom.  I respect this completely and like I have mentioned, we support her if she has a change of heart and decides to parent.  I think I was just doing it out of ease when writing but I know I do it when speaking to people as well because that understand that better.  I am trying to be more conscious of this now.


  1. You're nesting!!!! :) You sound a lot like me when I was preparing for K. Ultimately, though, the baby needs very little at the start (compared the mountains of things you'll need a few months down the road). If what she'll need in the fall stresses you now, just wait. Do what she will need those first two weeks and then go from there...bottles, clothes, diapers, blankets and your arms. That's about it. :) And how exciting you can be in the room for the delivery. There is nothing like it. :)

  2. Have fun nesting!! I had a bag packed with baby stuff and a list of things we would need to grab in a hurry (cash, phone chargers, phones, camera, gift for BMom, etc). I'm so glad we had the bag packed because it helped me get out the door. If the hotel is too much try a local church- they may have someone that would be willing to host you. We were luck to stay with a woman that had an in-law apartment which meant we paid no rent the month I was in PA. What are the laws regarding TPR?
    What I told myself was- I followed the laws of the states I was in, the Bmom made a choice and I know it was what she chose because she had the option to parent. Had she chosen to parent I'd have been devastated but knew that our baby would find us. I think remembering Cats words are important not because they are "adoption friendly" but they also remind us that the expectant mother has a choice. If she chooses to follow her adoption plan it makes the experience all the more powerful. If she chooses to parent, you also will in time become a mom of two.
    Sending positive thoughts to you and J!