Monday, April 2, 2012

I can barely breathe

My stomach hurts oh so bad, it is just in knots.  Tomorrow is the day that I will remember for the rest of my life.  I can't believe we are here. I can't believe we will be there.  I should be in bed, resting, relaxing.  Instead, I am crying, wondering, praying.  I don't know what I'm wearing. I don't know what I'm going to say. I don't know what I will do.  How do we do this???

I feel like I might get sick.  Do you think birthmom is laying awake? Is she nervous about meeting us? Case worker told me this afternoon that bmom is really quiet and doesn't say a lot.  She answers questions but doesn't give you lots more than what you asked for.  She thinks that maybe she has a hard time showing emotion.  I have a hard time containing my emotions.

I can't wait to find out if baby is a boy or a girl.  Case worker said bmom is bringing us pictures from the ultrasound and will share the news with us.  I don't want to see pain and heartache in bmom.  My heart is hurting for her already.  I don't want to feel like we are taking someones baby.


  1. Man... there is so much honesty and emotion in your post. I'm eager to read about how it went and pray that it went well for you!!

    When we arrived at the hospital for our son's birth (he had been born about six hours before we arrived and we had not yet met his birth parents), I vividly remember stepping out of our car and feeling like I was going to pass out. I felt like I was going to throw up, and couldn't stand. I was so scared to go inside the hospital and was so afraid his birth mom would see us as the people stealing her baby.

    What you're feeling is TOTALLY normal. I'd be worried if you didn't have those thoughts and fears.

    However, adoption is a beautiful thing and open adoption WORKS when you have two families willing to communicate and work together for the benefit of a child.

    Our son's birth mom is EXTREMELY shy and introverted. She didn't say more than a sentence while we were at the hospital. We talked to her mom though, and I remember thinking that there was no way we were going to have a great, open relationship with our son's birth mom.

    With time, she warmed up to us, and talks to us like she's known us forever. With time, all wounds heal, and we're now one big happy family.

    My heart STILL hurts for our birth mom, but I know that we have a mutual love and respect. She couldn't parent and we give her son all that she couldn't. She's important, essential, and valued, and we make sure she knows it.

    My advice is to write her a letter and then after the baby is born, and some time has passed, send it to her. Make sure you tell her how much she means to you, and make a promise to keep her as an important part of your child's life.