Saturday, April 7, 2012

First Doctor Visit

We planned to meet up with Bmom at her doctors appointment on Thursday. We were not sure where the office was so we left early and arrived in plenty of time. I was not as nervous to see her like I was on Tuesday but was more worried about what we would talk about while waiting without the case worker helping to lead the conversation.

Matt and I walked into the building and asked at the desk where we should go. We were directed up to the second floor and down the hall. We were pretty much the only caucasian people in the building so I felt a little out of place. We got several looks and second glances from people in the waiting area.

The place was super busy and we found a couple of free chairs open in front of the elevator. This was good because then we would be able to see her as she arrives. After only a few minutes of waiting, we heard familiar voices over the balcony above us from 3 floor. Bmom had brought her friend along again as well as her son. We think she told us it would just be her so we were surprised to see these two again.

We waived to them as they glanced over and smiled at us. As they stepped off the elevator, her son recognized us right away and came right over. She told us she was just going to go check in and I asked her if she wanted us to wait here or go. She said I could come with her. Matt stayed back with the two others and I waited in line with her. I felt very awkward while standing there. I was assuming that everyone was watching us and thinking of me as a bad person who wanted to take her baby.

Once checked in, we waited with boys and she got a bag of hot wheels cars out for her son to play. Matt and him pushed the cars back and forth. I tried to make some small talk and keep things light. I asked if they had any dogs or pets...she said her son likes them but they don't have any. I asked her how long it took her to get there and told her how long it took us to get there. She answered all the questions pleasantly but did not ever ask or tell us anything on her own.

They called us back after just a few minutes of waiting and as we stood to go in Matt wasn't sure if she wanted him to go with or not. She said she did away the three of us went to the back. Once again, very awkward for me as we followed her in. I feel like it was obvious that the white couple following her were adoptive parents. She never gave me any signs that she was uncomfortable or feeling awkward however.

The nurse took her vitals and told us that they would be doing a breast exam etc. We stepped out of the room and told her to let us know when to come back in. As we waited, the dr. came and went into the room. We waited patiently to be called back in.

As the doctor opened the door, she said she could recognize us by our big smiles. She told us that bmom was measuring exactly where she should be and that we were going to listen to the heartbeat. She asked if we were there for ultrasound last week and when we told her no, doctor seemed excited that this would be our first time to hear the heart beat.

From what I remember from B, the heartbeat sounded fast, strong, and normal. It was such a sweet sound to hear. The room was so crowded- there was not room for me to stand on the side of the table by bmom so I was standing at her feet and Matt was behind me. Matt and I held hands behind my back and I but my other hand on bmom's shoes as we listened.

I asked the doctor (actually a nurse practitioner) about a more precise due date, and she said that she didn't have the ultrasound report in the file (but would for next week) so she is still estimating around 31 weeks and looking at end of May / early June.

As we left the visit, we walked down to the first floor together. One of my favorite parts was when bmom told her son that it was time to go, he was having fun and didn't want to leave. I called him by name and put my hand out and said "let's go" and he smiled and came right over and grabbed my hand. This made bmom smile that he came to me and I thought I was pretty special to have him do that. It made my day when he did that.

As we prepared to leave, I asked her about meeting on Sunday which we had briefly discussed Tuesday at the agency. She told us that she now has Sundays off- this made me so happy because she has been working 7 days a week 4- midnight. We arranged to meet Sunday at 3 at a local McD play land. This way our 2 boys can play and she gets to meet B as well.

* She did not get her glucose screen done on Wednesday like we had thought she was getting. She will get this done next Thursday at her next appointment. We are looking forward to going again as well. This will take a few hours for the test, so I am a bit nervous about filing the time with topics to discuss for that length of time. I am wondering how everyone else has gotten to know their bmom's. I know it will just take time, but I would welcome any tips.


  1. Is it weird that I have a nervous stomach from reading this post? I felt the anxiety sweep over me as I read about you entering the office. How awesome that you're able to write in such a way that is so vivid and real!!

    You're absolutely right... it just takes time. Our son's birth mother didn't talk to us at all when we first met her (granted, our son was five hours old), she looked at the television and was glued to her cell phone. It was completely uncomfortable, and to make it worse, the hospital treated us like we were there to steal her baby. She was detaching and trying to not get emotional, and her best way to do that was to go into her shell and avoid dealing with the situation.

    Just be yourselves. Adoption is such a hard beast... it really isn't for the weak. Just remember (as hard as it is) that she is an expected mom... NOT a birth mom. She doesn't become a birth mother until she signs over her rights... so try to treat her like she is an expectant mother. I know it's easy to think of her as your birth mom, but she's not. She is nothing more than an expectant mother at this point.

    If you go into the situation knowing that she COULD decide to parent (and she can)... and be there for her as a friend, it might make it easier. You want to be excited for you, but while you're with her, you've got to remember that she is NOT your birth mother at this point. She's a woman that's allowing you to come with her to appointments.

    You can't worry about what others are thinking about you when they see you with her-- it's none of their business. Just try to focus on her and her health. Show her that you care about her and want what's best for her and her baby.

    When she signs over her rights, it'll be the most anguishing day of her life... nothing can prepare any of you for how it's going to feel.

    You think it's hard now, wait until you have to leave the hospital... and you've got a baby that you've been dreaming of and waiting for... and she's got physical pain from her labor... and no baby to take home. You'll feel awful, and you'll cry and grieve. She'll grieve. It's the most difficult thing to experience, but you'll all get through it. I promise.

    Try to put yourself into her position and then it might make it easier to figure out what to talk about. I'd keep it all very light-- don't worry if she doesn't open up to you at this point. Tell her about your day, your son, your weekend, anything. It's got to be really hard to go for an appointment with the couple that'll be raising the baby that you're carrying. Ya know?

    Just stay strong, keep it open and light. Once she is your daughter's birth mom, then you can try to establish a stronger relationship-- but keep in mind that it could take YEARS before that happens. Until then, I'd talk about your boys. :-)

    Good luck as you start this crazy journey!!!

  2. I'm so excited that you got to go to the MD appt!! I to initially felt like everyone was watching me and thinking I was taking BM's baby! Since I was there for a whole month I was able to actually find out what people thought. I think a big part was how positive I spoke of BM and she spoke of me that everyone was really positive. It sounds like the BM thinks highly of you guys as parents and you have nothing to worry about. As for conversations. I spent ALOT of time with BM and its amazing how quickly time passed.