Monday, June 3, 2013

The Night Before

I didn't think it was going to be hard for me tonight.  I thought if it was, it would be tomorrow.  Tonight is just the night before.  Tonight isn't the day.

I had to run to the city with Marla tonight for a few things and was on the way home.  She was fussing a little in the car because she was ready for her bottle.  I decided to turn on some music and sing to help calm her down.  I turned it to a song I used to sing daily that helped me get through the wait.  Marla quieted down and it hit me that as I was trying to make it home before Matt had to leave for work.  He was leaving for work.

He was leaving for work last year.  The night before.  We took a picture of the three of us before he left.  It would be our last night together as a family of three.  Tomorrow we were going to be a family of four.  I remember that picture so clearly.  We were standing in the kitchen.  B was squeezed in the middle of us.  We took the picture ourselves and have such big smiles on our faces.  I look terrible! I had already showered, had no make up on was so tired!  But the picture captured a moment and I love that memory.

I told Matt good bye and would stop and see him on the way to the hospital in the morning for a few minutes if he wasn't on a call.  I wished he was going with but knew he was going to meet us there later in the day.

Tomorrow I will wake up and daycare kids will arrive.  B will play with his buddies and enjoy the summer day.  Grandparents won't call with birthday greetings and there will be no special party this weekend.

I hope that baby girl is loved and happy.  I hope she is well taken care of and smiles at her big brother.  I wonder how many teeth she has and if she is walking.  I hope her mommy is happy and so happy to be celebrating her baby girl's birthday.  I hope she is well taken care of and is doing the best she can.

I think I will dig out her number, even though I didn't have a response from the message I sent in December, and send her a text message.

Happy 1st Birthday Little Dolly.  We love you, miss you, and are always praying for you.

** When I write here, I feel like it is a collection of raw thoughts.  I don't often go back and re read entries.  I type it as I think it and move forward.  Tonight I did go back and read my account of the day.  You can read it here.  It brought some more tears to my eyes at some of the things I said and a few things I had forgotten.  Something I never wanted to do.

Edit***As soon as I hit publish and looked at this post, I wanted to add in one last thought.  I do not for any second wish that things would have turned out different.  I love Miss Marla with all of my heart.  She is more than you could ask for, happier than we could have dreamed, and absolutely perfect.  My sadness just comes from the most heartbreaking experience I have ever been through and I want nothing more than to know that she is okay. Remember exactly where I was last year, where I stood for a picture, what I was doing, what time I went to bed..... all of that hurts.  I wish I could move directly to June 5th. I want nothing but the best for J, baby J, and her big brother A.  


  1. Amber, I think it shows just how big your heart is that it does make you grieve, even though you have perfect baby Marla. I hope she is well cared for and happy, to. And I hope if you choose to call or text that you get a response. I am thinking of you today!

  2. I think a failed placement or match is worse than losing a child, mainly because that child does still exist, just not with you. All the hopes and dreams you had for your life with that baby were instantly taken away.

    I think it's normal to reflect upon that day and remember where you were a year ago, and to remember how far you've come. You could have thrown in the towel and been done with adoption. You could have guarded your hearts forever, and missed out on the life that God had in store for you.

    While I don't think there's a good reason that you had to experience such loss, I think you sharing your story with others has made a different to others. If that makes any sense. I know when we matched with our birth mom, I thought about your experience and I was more guarded and cautious because of what I knew you went through.

    Marla is right where she's meant to be, and baby J is right where she's meant to be. I don't think it's fair that you had to experience such devastation, but God had a plan for your family and you love, cherish, and appreciate your relationship with Marla and her birth family all the more.

    Hugs to you and I hope today wasn't too hard.