Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Post Placement visit #1

I believe in honesty here on my blog.  I have been inspired, encouraged, brought to tears and reassured from many of the blogs I have spent hours reading over the years. 

As Matt was leaving for work tonight, all of us happened to be in B's room as he was telling him goodnight.  As I looked around at his messy 8-year-old-can't-keep-it-clean-longer-than-a-day-room, I told him that R was going to be here tomorrow when he gets home from school. 

He casually asked what for and I said, "remember...she is coming to make sure that we are providing a good home for Mar".  

Then I remembered that she was just here in early October doing our homestudy renewal visit.  She sat on this same couch I am now typing on and asked us about why we had certain things selected/ not selected on our profile sheet. 

Specifically, she asked about race.  

It doesn't matter to her what we select, but she did say she had a emom she was working with and the way our profile stands, we would not be shown.

She did specify anymore and we didn't ask.  We said we would look it over and discuss any changes we wanted to make.  We had already been talking about race/ some of the drug use questions and so that was not a problem for us to update our sheet.

Here is the honesty part.   It was me that did not have full African American selected on our profile.  I had half, I had mixed with anything, but I didn't select full.

I was scared. 

I get really nervous when I don't know exactly what to do. 

Before we got into the adoption world, I would have selected AA with no fear.  After all of my blog reading, forums, books, etc.... I got scared. 

Things like ashy skin, haircare, bathing, braids, parts, co-wash, no poo, styling day...all of this was so intimidating to me!  I didn't know how to do it!

After Matt and I talked, I realized that I knew it didn't matter what our baby looked like, but that it was okay for me to not know how to do all of those things. It was okay for me to have to learn them.  So, we opened up our profile- all the way!

As far as hair- I don't know how to do a white girls hair so I would have to learn that too.  When I would have daycare girls here- I wasn't ever one to brush/ braid/ play with their hair.  I didn't know how to do that!  So, learning how to do a baby with black hair was going to be okay.  I could figure it out.

Skin- I don't know why but the term "ashy skin" sounds so intimidating to me!  I read on one post that the commenter said that "ashy skin is a sign on neglect".  I don't know if that is true or not, but it scared the daylights out of me!  What if I didn't do something right and she got the dreaded ashy skin?!?!

I am still scared of the fact that I don't know how to do all of these things perfectly, but I suppose I didn't do everything perfect with my own biological son either.  And he has turned out pretty good.

I'm still learning- with both of them.  He is a boy, just turned 8.  I haven't done that before.  She is a girl, just turned 11 weeks.  I haven't done that yet either.  I love them both like crazy.  I'm still scared but they are my favorite boy and favorite girl.

In case you are wondering- her hair and skin are both absolutely beautiful!  I've done good.


  1. Awwww....what a great post. :) She looks perfect and healthy to me!

  2. Thanks so much for writing this and being so honest!!! So reassuring! I'll be honest, too - I was slightly uncomfortable to mark full African American on ours, too. (Hubby had no issue) It is now marked on ours and I'm glad it is. My reason for being scared was simply because in the area I live there are hardly any African American people, and I simply don't know any personally. Before my niece was adopted from China, I didn't know anyone who was Asian, so I would've probably been scared to mark that one off, too. But now it's almost laughable, I would have no issue whatsoever with adopting an Asian baby! I have been reluctant to tell anyone that I was originally concerned with marking full African American because I don't want anyone to think I'm racist or that I wouldn't love an African American baby, because that is so not true! It's just that I doubted - would I know how to do their hair? Would we look too extremely different one from another? And a bunch of other thoughts like that, that I can now look back on as being silly. Your daughter is beautiful and I'm so glad you got blessed with her! And thanks again for being honest!

  3. I dont think I've ever seen a picture without a smile and perfect hair! Growing up as a minority in my school I remember being "ashy" was an insult. I even recall getting called "ashy" myself and I guess as the only pail German/Irish girl I was always "ashy." I may have seen that same comment you referred to and at least where I grew up it didn't resonate. I think it had more to do with class - time -money to spend on products. I still giggle to this day when my elbows/knees are dry thinking they are "ashy." Thats my perspective from a girl that grew up "ashy" ;)

    I just posted about one of the things we didn't select which would have meant we would not have been shown under similar circumstances. To think I might not be Baby Girls Mom is crazy talk now! Its hard to "pick" and I found my comfort with things changed the more I had a chance to step back and really think about them.

    Great post :)