Ick, crap, boo, and poop. That is how I feel I have just been in a
bad mood and grumpy about all of this the past few days. We were called
on Thursday afternoon by our caseworker R and told we were not selected
for this baby. The birthmom had not made a decision yet but she had
narrowed it down. All of the families she narrowed it down to did not
have kids. She wanted the family to be able to give 100% of their
attention to the baby. Because apparently we wouldn't. I know I should
be more understanding of the birthmom's desires, but for one B has so
much love to give for a baby I see it as we have more love to offer.
For two, this is her tenth kid. I could go on and on and say some nice
things but I will stop there. I am only feeling this way out of hurt
and slight desperation so I will just quit with that.
The
following day we received our packet from the agency that it is time to
renew our home study and other information. Yea!!! How fun! Spending
more money and time to wait and wait some more. I knew our update was
coming due but I thought it was just the home study that needed done. I
thought that meant they would need to come down, see the house, talk
with us again etc. Oh no. It's physicals, fingerprinting, monthly
budget, tax returns, financial statements, etc. again. Pretty much
everything except the reference letters. But, I haven't read that
closely yet so hopefully that is not in there too!
I
talked with another waiting mom from our training group. They do not
have a child yet and I can't wait for them to be placed. I will be so
happy for them when they are parents. I know how badly they are longing
for a child to love. They have been shown to the same three birthmoms
as us and one more I think. I know she is feeling down about it as
well.
She received the monthly update last week (which I
didn't... I always do via email but did not get it this time... will
call tomorrow about that) I asked her to forward it and she sent it on
with a little warning that it is a little depressing. I will admit that
I did get crabbier after I read it. First off, J is still on the
list. It says J, delivered a healthy baby girl in June. Parenting and
still receiving support. I wish it would say selected an agency family
and once the baby was nine days old she decided to parent and is still
receiving support. It just hurts seeing her name on there still. I
really don't know why it's still on there. Others are not on from that
long so I will ask about this. This is the list I can't wait to get
each month to see if there are any new prospective birth moms. Seeing
her on there each time just starts off sour. There is also no current
potential birthmoms. That is depressing.
Today B and I
went shopping a bit. He still talks about baby girl and A often. While
in the toy aisle, he says things like, "if we had baby girl, she would
like this mom". Or he finds clothes he would like to get her or
something similar. Tonight on tv there was commercial and I heard him
say to Matt, "dad, did you see that little boy on there that looked like
A"?
I was over at my grandma's tonight and she was asking
about what day was Matt's birthday. She couldn't remember if it was the
9, 10, or 12 of this month. I wanted to say it was the 12th, but hey..
A's birthday is the 10th. He will be 3. (Also as a side note that
Matt and I giggled about... this is also the week that J conceived baby
girl- we did the conception calculator once we had the due date)
Tomorrow
baby girl will be three months old. I miss her so much and I would
love to see her. I am having a hard time this weekend after all of the
above stuff, but usually I am doing really good. I am okay with J
parenting her. I am okay that she is with her mom. We said we were
going to go into a relationship with J and I struggle with how we just
shut that off. I think of all of them often and miss them often. I
hope and pray they are doing well.
Seeing that there are
no current moms on the list making adoption plans made me want to
quit. I hate this waiting. I hated the beautiful pink room I walked by a
dozen times this weekend. I hate that B is almost 8. I don't want
them to be so far apart. I hate that we have waited before and spent
money before on our surrogacy and things have never turned out the way
we wanted. I hate that I am so bitter and crabby this weekend.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
