The night is almost done and I can't find the phone number anywhere. I 've looked through my box and a few other places and I can picture her writing on the piece of paper.
I have also been stressed about trying to pick up a bit for our final post placement visit in the morning.
Maybe it's meant to be. But I just wanted to tell them I loved them, even if it wasn't even her cell number anymore.
I thank you to those who commented or sent me a FB message. Like one of you mentioned, it is hard when no one remembers. I was hoping that maybe, just maybe, one person would have.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Monday, June 3, 2013
The Night Before
I didn't think it was going to be hard for me tonight. I thought if it was, it would be tomorrow. Tonight is just the night before. Tonight isn't the day.
I had to run to the city with Marla tonight for a few things and was on the way home. She was fussing a little in the car because she was ready for her bottle. I decided to turn on some music and sing to help calm her down. I turned it to a song I used to sing daily that helped me get through the wait. Marla quieted down and it hit me that as I was trying to make it home before Matt had to leave for work. He was leaving for work.
He was leaving for work last year. The night before. We took a picture of the three of us before he left. It would be our last night together as a family of three. Tomorrow we were going to be a family of four. I remember that picture so clearly. We were standing in the kitchen. B was squeezed in the middle of us. We took the picture ourselves and have such big smiles on our faces. I look terrible! I had already showered, had no make up on was so tired! But the picture captured a moment and I love that memory.
I told Matt good bye and would stop and see him on the way to the hospital in the morning for a few minutes if he wasn't on a call. I wished he was going with but knew he was going to meet us there later in the day.
Tomorrow I will wake up and daycare kids will arrive. B will play with his buddies and enjoy the summer day. Grandparents won't call with birthday greetings and there will be no special party this weekend.
I hope that baby girl is loved and happy. I hope she is well taken care of and smiles at her big brother. I wonder how many teeth she has and if she is walking. I hope her mommy is happy and so happy to be celebrating her baby girl's birthday. I hope she is well taken care of and is doing the best she can.
I think I will dig out her number, even though I didn't have a response from the message I sent in December, and send her a text message.
Happy 1st Birthday Little Dolly. We love you, miss you, and are always praying for you.
** When I write here, I feel like it is a collection of raw thoughts. I don't often go back and re read entries. I type it as I think it and move forward. Tonight I did go back and read my account of the day. You can read it here. It brought some more tears to my eyes at some of the things I said and a few things I had forgotten. Something I never wanted to do.
Edit***As soon as I hit publish and looked at this post, I wanted to add in one last thought. I do not for any second wish that things would have turned out different. I love Miss Marla with all of my heart. She is more than you could ask for, happier than we could have dreamed, and absolutely perfect. My sadness just comes from the most heartbreaking experience I have ever been through and I want nothing more than to know that she is okay. Remember exactly where I was last year, where I stood for a picture, what I was doing, what time I went to bed..... all of that hurts. I wish I could move directly to June 5th. I want nothing but the best for J, baby J, and her big brother A.
I had to run to the city with Marla tonight for a few things and was on the way home. She was fussing a little in the car because she was ready for her bottle. I decided to turn on some music and sing to help calm her down. I turned it to a song I used to sing daily that helped me get through the wait. Marla quieted down and it hit me that as I was trying to make it home before Matt had to leave for work. He was leaving for work.
He was leaving for work last year. The night before. We took a picture of the three of us before he left. It would be our last night together as a family of three. Tomorrow we were going to be a family of four. I remember that picture so clearly. We were standing in the kitchen. B was squeezed in the middle of us. We took the picture ourselves and have such big smiles on our faces. I look terrible! I had already showered, had no make up on was so tired! But the picture captured a moment and I love that memory.
I told Matt good bye and would stop and see him on the way to the hospital in the morning for a few minutes if he wasn't on a call. I wished he was going with but knew he was going to meet us there later in the day.
Tomorrow I will wake up and daycare kids will arrive. B will play with his buddies and enjoy the summer day. Grandparents won't call with birthday greetings and there will be no special party this weekend.
I hope that baby girl is loved and happy. I hope she is well taken care of and smiles at her big brother. I wonder how many teeth she has and if she is walking. I hope her mommy is happy and so happy to be celebrating her baby girl's birthday. I hope she is well taken care of and is doing the best she can.
I think I will dig out her number, even though I didn't have a response from the message I sent in December, and send her a text message.
Happy 1st Birthday Little Dolly. We love you, miss you, and are always praying for you.
** When I write here, I feel like it is a collection of raw thoughts. I don't often go back and re read entries. I type it as I think it and move forward. Tonight I did go back and read my account of the day. You can read it here. It brought some more tears to my eyes at some of the things I said and a few things I had forgotten. Something I never wanted to do.
Edit***As soon as I hit publish and looked at this post, I wanted to add in one last thought. I do not for any second wish that things would have turned out different. I love Miss Marla with all of my heart. She is more than you could ask for, happier than we could have dreamed, and absolutely perfect. My sadness just comes from the most heartbreaking experience I have ever been through and I want nothing more than to know that she is okay. Remember exactly where I was last year, where I stood for a picture, what I was doing, what time I went to bed..... all of that hurts. I wish I could move directly to June 5th. I want nothing but the best for J, baby J, and her big brother A.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Post Placement visit #1
I believe in honesty here on my blog. I have been inspired, encouraged, brought to tears and reassured from many of the blogs I have spent hours reading over the years.
As Matt was leaving for work tonight, all of us happened to be in B's room as he was telling him goodnight. As I looked around at his messy 8-year-old-can't-keep-it-clean-longer-than-a-day-room, I told him that R was going to be here tomorrow when he gets home from school.
He casually asked what for and I said, "remember...she is coming to make sure that we are providing a good home for Mar".
Then I remembered that she was just here in early October doing our homestudy renewal visit. She sat on this same couch I am now typing on and asked us about why we had certain things selected/ not selected on our profile sheet.
Specifically, she asked about race.
It doesn't matter to her what we select, but she did say she had a emom she was working with and the way our profile stands, we would not be shown.
She did specify anymore and we didn't ask. We said we would look it over and discuss any changes we wanted to make. We had already been talking about race/ some of the drug use questions and so that was not a problem for us to update our sheet.
Here is the honesty part. It was me that did not have full African American selected on our profile. I had half, I had mixed with anything, but I didn't select full.
I was scared.
I get really nervous when I don't know exactly what to do.
Before we got into the adoption world, I would have selected AA with no fear. After all of my blog reading, forums, books, etc.... I got scared.
Things like ashy skin, haircare, bathing, braids, parts, co-wash, no poo, styling day...all of this was so intimidating to me! I didn't know how to do it!
After Matt and I talked, I realized that I knew it didn't matter what our baby looked like, but that it was okay for me to not know how to do all of those things. It was okay for me to have to learn them. So, we opened up our profile- all the way!
As far as hair- I don't know how to do a white girls hair so I would have to learn that too. When I would have daycare girls here- I wasn't ever one to brush/ braid/ play with their hair. I didn't know how to do that! So, learning how to do a baby with black hair was going to be okay. I could figure it out.
Skin- I don't know why but the term "ashy skin" sounds so intimidating to me! I read on one post that the commenter said that "ashy skin is a sign on neglect". I don't know if that is true or not, but it scared the daylights out of me! What if I didn't do something right and she got the dreaded ashy skin?!?!
I am still scared of the fact that I don't know how to do all of these things perfectly, but I suppose I didn't do everything perfect with my own biological son either. And he has turned out pretty good.
I'm still learning- with both of them. He is a boy, just turned 8. I haven't done that before. She is a girl, just turned 11 weeks. I haven't done that yet either. I love them both like crazy. I'm still scared but they are my favorite boy and favorite girl.
In case you are wondering- her hair and skin are both absolutely beautiful! I've done good.
As Matt was leaving for work tonight, all of us happened to be in B's room as he was telling him goodnight. As I looked around at his messy 8-year-old-can't-keep-it-clean-longer-than-a-day-room, I told him that R was going to be here tomorrow when he gets home from school.
He casually asked what for and I said, "remember...she is coming to make sure that we are providing a good home for Mar".
Then I remembered that she was just here in early October doing our homestudy renewal visit. She sat on this same couch I am now typing on and asked us about why we had certain things selected/ not selected on our profile sheet.
Specifically, she asked about race.
It doesn't matter to her what we select, but she did say she had a emom she was working with and the way our profile stands, we would not be shown.
She did specify anymore and we didn't ask. We said we would look it over and discuss any changes we wanted to make. We had already been talking about race/ some of the drug use questions and so that was not a problem for us to update our sheet.
Here is the honesty part. It was me that did not have full African American selected on our profile. I had half, I had mixed with anything, but I didn't select full.
I was scared.
I get really nervous when I don't know exactly what to do.
Before we got into the adoption world, I would have selected AA with no fear. After all of my blog reading, forums, books, etc.... I got scared.
Things like ashy skin, haircare, bathing, braids, parts, co-wash, no poo, styling day...all of this was so intimidating to me! I didn't know how to do it!
After Matt and I talked, I realized that I knew it didn't matter what our baby looked like, but that it was okay for me to not know how to do all of those things. It was okay for me to have to learn them. So, we opened up our profile- all the way!
As far as hair- I don't know how to do a white girls hair so I would have to learn that too. When I would have daycare girls here- I wasn't ever one to brush/ braid/ play with their hair. I didn't know how to do that! So, learning how to do a baby with black hair was going to be okay. I could figure it out.
Skin- I don't know why but the term "ashy skin" sounds so intimidating to me! I read on one post that the commenter said that "ashy skin is a sign on neglect". I don't know if that is true or not, but it scared the daylights out of me! What if I didn't do something right and she got the dreaded ashy skin?!?!
I am still scared of the fact that I don't know how to do all of these things perfectly, but I suppose I didn't do everything perfect with my own biological son either. And he has turned out pretty good.
I'm still learning- with both of them. He is a boy, just turned 8. I haven't done that before. She is a girl, just turned 11 weeks. I haven't done that yet either. I love them both like crazy. I'm still scared but they are my favorite boy and favorite girl.
In case you are wondering- her hair and skin are both absolutely beautiful! I've done good.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Don't Hate Me....
I know. I'm bad. I stink. I left you hangin..........
I said I wouldn't do it again and leave our story unwritten.
One day turned into a few.
A few turned into a week.
A week turned into a few.
Then we were one month past her birthday and I still hadn't posted.
Today she is two months old.
And I haven't told you how she is, how we are, or how incredibly blessed we are:
Everything is better than we prayed for. Everything seems too good to be true. Everything is what we thought we could only dream about. Marla and her birth mom..."MeMar" are ahhhhmazing.
I hate that I have missed so much. I know I already can't remember it all. It just keeps coming over and over ....good, better, best!
Life has been crazy, as usual. Back to work quickly after ICPC and home for a week. Wrestling season for B and the holidays. A wonderful flow of family and friends coming to visit. Our taxes looming over me like a black cloud that need to get done. Like tomorrow. Laundry to fold. Extra room to clean out. Photos to organize. Photos to print. Projects with the daycare kids. Dog hair to vacuum. And the worst....dinner to cook.
I promise. I pinky swear. I will fill you in with some of our story. I love sharing it!!!
But, here are three pics to get you by.
Our first "official" family picture. TPR were signed a few hours before this and we took our "kids" (still feels strange to say kidS) to see Santa at the museum.
Thanks for those of you who stuck around! Please leave a quick comment to tell me you if you are still here!
I said I wouldn't do it again and leave our story unwritten.
One day turned into a few.
A few turned into a week.
A week turned into a few.
Then we were one month past her birthday and I still hadn't posted.
Today she is two months old.
And I haven't told you how she is, how we are, or how incredibly blessed we are:
I hate that I have missed so much. I know I already can't remember it all. It just keeps coming over and over ....good, better, best!
Life has been crazy, as usual. Back to work quickly after ICPC and home for a week. Wrestling season for B and the holidays. A wonderful flow of family and friends coming to visit. Our taxes looming over me like a black cloud that need to get done. Like tomorrow. Laundry to fold. Extra room to clean out. Photos to organize. Photos to print. Projects with the daycare kids. Dog hair to vacuum. And the worst....dinner to cook.
I promise. I pinky swear. I will fill you in with some of our story. I love sharing it!!!
But, here are three pics to get you by.
Our first "official" family picture. TPR were signed a few hours before this and we took our "kids" (still feels strange to say kidS) to see Santa at the museum.
Thanks for those of you who stuck around! Please leave a quick comment to tell me you if you are still here!
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Beautiful day
I don't have time for a full post but know there are many of you (by many, I mean 4) who are waiting for news.
We had an absolutely fantastic day meeting that sweet baby at the hospital. Our talks with A and her family made it even better. I can't wait to share more, but we got home late. We stopped to develop some pics and shared with the grandparents. I'm still not packed and ready to leave the house tomorrow for our ICPC stay.
We are leaving the hospital with her tomorrow and I can't believe this is my last night before life gets crazy again with a newborn!
More pics and details coming soon! :) And, tomorrow afternoon we are planning to announce it to our friends
Thanks again for your prayers, messages, and support!
We had an absolutely fantastic day meeting that sweet baby at the hospital. Our talks with A and her family made it even better. I can't wait to share more, but we got home late. We stopped to develop some pics and shared with the grandparents. I'm still not packed and ready to leave the house tomorrow for our ICPC stay.
We are leaving the hospital with her tomorrow and I can't believe this is my last night before life gets crazy again with a newborn!
More pics and details coming soon! :) And, tomorrow afternoon we are planning to announce it to our friends
Thanks again for your prayers, messages, and support!
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Oh, boy what a day- or should I say {Oh, Girl}
I am so tired and I did nothing more than wait around all day!
The day started off the day with a text from A saying "today is the day :)" She kept me updated all morning with info like: we are at the hospital, they just hooked up my IV, and called when they broke her water at 10 and contractions were starting.
I told her I wouldn't call her or text ( I responded to hers, just didn't send her ones on my own) because I didn't want wake her if she was sleeping or if she was in the middle of something) She had also told me she didn't get any sleep last night so I knew she would sleep if possible.
Matt wanted me to text her around 12 to let her know we were thinking of her. I did but said she didn't need to respond if she didn't want to, we just wanted her to know we were thinking / praying for her. I also told her earlier in the morning that she had lots of people praying for her around the US. (Thanks if this is you!) She seemed really excited about that.
She didn't respond until about 3 and I was started to get worried. I remembered that recently my cell phone doesn't get text sometimes randomly. I was worried she might have text me and that I was the one not responding. This is why our agency really advises not to use text because they don't want people getting upset if someone doesn't respond right away etc.
When she did respond, she said she had been in terrible pain earlier but was now doing better. She was dilated to a 10! I told her it would be very soon and hang in there.
Matt and I had taken naps in the morning, ran to Sub.way for lunch and tried to sleep a little more this afternoon. We were so anxious we couldn't do anything else! I text her and asked if the nurses and doctors have been nice to her. As I went to pick up B from school at around 3:25 she text me back saying that they have been amazing and that they hung a mirror up for her and she could see baby's head!
Some people text and drive but this girl texts and delivers!
B and I hurried home because I knew the baby would be here soon! We arrived a few minutes before the call came in from A that she was here! She has a whole head of hair, was 6 lbs, 6 ounces, 19 inches, and had dimples like her mom!
We told her to let us know if/ when she wanted us to come to the hospital. She said okay and we continued to share a few more texts and she sent a few more pics. A while later she said they were getting ready to move her to the other room and she was going to rest. I had a feeling she was going to have us not come up tonight.
A little later she did call and say she was really tired and if it would be okay if we come up tomorrow. Of course I said that was fine :) She said we can come anytime so I told her we would probably come in the morning. Matt is having a harder time with it than I am.
When she sent us some of the pics tonight, I told her " I can't WAIT to hold her" She said, " I know, I can't put her down, she's such a sweet baby :) you guys are gonna love her!"
I said "I already do!" and she said, "I can tell :) you guys are gonna be wonderful parents"
Aww, love.
The day started off the day with a text from A saying "today is the day :)" She kept me updated all morning with info like: we are at the hospital, they just hooked up my IV, and called when they broke her water at 10 and contractions were starting.
I told her I wouldn't call her or text ( I responded to hers, just didn't send her ones on my own) because I didn't want wake her if she was sleeping or if she was in the middle of something) She had also told me she didn't get any sleep last night so I knew she would sleep if possible.
Matt wanted me to text her around 12 to let her know we were thinking of her. I did but said she didn't need to respond if she didn't want to, we just wanted her to know we were thinking / praying for her. I also told her earlier in the morning that she had lots of people praying for her around the US. (Thanks if this is you!) She seemed really excited about that.
She didn't respond until about 3 and I was started to get worried. I remembered that recently my cell phone doesn't get text sometimes randomly. I was worried she might have text me and that I was the one not responding. This is why our agency really advises not to use text because they don't want people getting upset if someone doesn't respond right away etc.
When she did respond, she said she had been in terrible pain earlier but was now doing better. She was dilated to a 10! I told her it would be very soon and hang in there.
Matt and I had taken naps in the morning, ran to Sub.way for lunch and tried to sleep a little more this afternoon. We were so anxious we couldn't do anything else! I text her and asked if the nurses and doctors have been nice to her. As I went to pick up B from school at around 3:25 she text me back saying that they have been amazing and that they hung a mirror up for her and she could see baby's head!
Some people text and drive but this girl texts and delivers!
B and I hurried home because I knew the baby would be here soon! We arrived a few minutes before the call came in from A that she was here! She has a whole head of hair, was 6 lbs, 6 ounces, 19 inches, and had dimples like her mom!
We told her to let us know if/ when she wanted us to come to the hospital. She said okay and we continued to share a few more texts and she sent a few more pics. A while later she said they were getting ready to move her to the other room and she was going to rest. I had a feeling she was going to have us not come up tonight.
A little later she did call and say she was really tired and if it would be okay if we come up tomorrow. Of course I said that was fine :) She said we can come anytime so I told her we would probably come in the morning. Matt is having a harder time with it than I am.
When she sent us some of the pics tonight, I told her " I can't WAIT to hold her" She said, " I know, I can't put her down, she's such a sweet baby :) you guys are gonna love her!"
I said "I already do!" and she said, "I can tell :) you guys are gonna be wonderful parents"
Aww, love.
Monday, December 10, 2012
No News
Sorry for the late post but today was crazy. I was up until 2:30 this morning. I was so emotional and excited and just couldn't sleep. Matt called me about 1 AM and said that the guys on his team had just given him a bunch of diapers. How sweet. And it makes me laugh that they did it at 1 AM, not 11 when he went into work.
A called around 6:20. She said that the hospital had called and they were filled and not going to have room or staff for her today. So, we are back to 7 AM tomorrow.
So, Monday, Tuesday, Monday, and back to Tuesday.
Moving it one day really moves things more than that. CW hasn't heard from edad since he canceled the meeting. Hopefully he comes in to sign after baby is born but if he doesn't, we have to wait the 5 business days for termination. That makes it Monday vs. Friday. Emom can't sign until his rights have been terminated. So we are looking at Mon- Wed. and even though I feel that if we leave the hospital with baby, we are good, I will still have a little bit of reserve in the back of my mind.
Thank you for all of your messages, prayers, and thoughts today. Tomorrow I plan to get a little sleep, pack my clothes/ supplies and finish a few last minute things around here.
A called around 6:20. She said that the hospital had called and they were filled and not going to have room or staff for her today. So, we are back to 7 AM tomorrow.
So, Monday, Tuesday, Monday, and back to Tuesday.
Moving it one day really moves things more than that. CW hasn't heard from edad since he canceled the meeting. Hopefully he comes in to sign after baby is born but if he doesn't, we have to wait the 5 business days for termination. That makes it Monday vs. Friday. Emom can't sign until his rights have been terminated. So we are looking at Mon- Wed. and even though I feel that if we leave the hospital with baby, we are good, I will still have a little bit of reserve in the back of my mind.
Thank you for all of your messages, prayers, and thoughts today. Tomorrow I plan to get a little sleep, pack my clothes/ supplies and finish a few last minute things around here.
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