Open Adoption Bloggers Interview Project 2013

Heather at Open Adoption Bloggers has once again put together a fabulous blogger interview.  Read all of the details about this project and see others who have participated here.  This is a great way to find some new blogs and possibly make some new friends!  This was my third time participating.  I am a bit disappointed that I don't have my blog up to date, but really enjoyed meeting my new partner.  I was paired with Amy from Jim and Amy Hope To Adopt.  They are a waiting couple who has suffered from some pain with a recent failed match (scam).  It brought back a lot of memories to that difficult time of waiting and the thoughts of when is OUR baby going to come along.  I am looking forward to following their journey and celebrating with them when they get a sweet little one in their arms.

This year the pairings were split into three groups. I was in the second group.  You can find a list of all other interviews in my group here. 

And now.... introducing>>>>>>>  AMY!

1. You have been waiting longer than expected and through a couple of difficult adoption situations. Can you summarize for us where you are at on your journey?

     Yes, here is our timeline for our adoption journey so far:

Summer 2008                    Attended information session for our agency (in California)

October 2008                     Attended Weekend Intensive and began paperwork for home study

January 2009                      Completed paperwork, Dear Birthmother Letter and website

February 2009                   Went “live” with our agency

March 2009                         First contact via email, no response ever received back

Found out I was pregnant

May 2009                             Miscarried baby (found out day after Mother’s Day)

*** June 2009 to August 2011- Two home study updates, two letter redesigns and lots of contacts, but no match!

August 2011                       Matched with expectant mom who was a friend of a friend of a friend

                                                Unmatched two days later

March 2012                         Third home study update- still lots of contacts, but no match!

November 2012                Jim is offered transfer with his job to Terre Haute, Indiana. He accepts!

February 2013                   Go on “hold” with our agency during the move

March 2013                         Close on our home

April 2013                            Begin home study for Indiana (same agency but new state)

May/June 2013                                Work on paperwork, redesign letter, update websites

July 2013                              Go “live” with our agency in Indiana

August 2013                       Two contacts in one week! One never calls back. The other, L, I talk with multiple times a week for the next month!

September 2013               Match with L, begin planning for baby girl in December

October 2013                     Find out that L is a fraud and has been scamming us

Wow! That’s a lot when I put it all down on paper! So now we are back “live” with our agency, prayerfully and hopefully waiting for our match and happily ever after

                               

2. Adoption is such a long and lonely road. How do you and Jim keep each other's spirit up and support each other during the wait? Do you have others to lean on with adoption experience? 

     Our biggest source of strength and hope has been our faith in God.   That’s how we have made it through the tough times. That’s why we haven’t given up despite a longer than normal wait. We truly believe that God has a plan for our lives and that it is not only a good plan, but it is the best plan for us!

     We also have amazing family and friends. They celebrate with us. They cry with us. They encourage us. They love us. We are so very thankful to have them in our lives.

3. What do you think will be the biggest change in your life once you have settled into parenthood?

     Lack of sleep!!!! Haha Ok, although less sleep will be a change, I think the biggest adjustment will be how we spend our time.   Jim and I have been a family of two for almost nineteen years! We have our routines and hobbies. We can be out of the house in ten minutes if we want to go see a movie. Packing for a trip is not a complicated process. All of that will change when we become a family of three!!! There will be less time for hobbies or watching TV. Our routines will be thrown aside to take care our baby’s needs. Getting out of the house or packing for a trip will require a lot of planning and patience. And…we can’t wait for that to happen!!!   We will gladly give up sleep, arrive late to family gatherings and have more nights in at home because the joys of parenthood far outweigh any sacrifices we might need to make.

4. You say that you are open to adoption of a child of a different race; how do you plan to incorporate their heritage and culture into your lifestyle?

    I’m sure this isn’t a complete list, but here are our top three priorities right now:

1) Make sure there are important people in our lives that look like our child.

           Some may disagree with us, but we think this is vitally important. How we look is part of our identity.   We have a very diverse family and are members of a multi-cultural church. We have friends from many different backgrounds. We are very committed to having an open relationship with our child’s birth parents. All of this will help our child to always have positive role models from his/her race.

2) Celebrate our child’s birth heritage/culture.

         There are so many fun ways to do this- books, food, music, holidays, festivals, language studies, trips- the possibilities are endless! We already have a growing collection of multi-cultural picture books and both Jim and I enjoy learning about cultures different from our own.  

3) Be ready to answer the tough questions.

         Not that we will have all the answers!   But we always want the lines of communication to be open. We need to be willing to answer the tough questions and to seek out information when we don’t have the answer.

5. How and when do you plan on sharing your adoption story with your child?

     

We plan to share our child’s adoption story from birth! Obviously, newborns don’t understand language, but we want adoption to be talked about right from the beginning. My friend has a tradition of sharing a retelling of her kids’ birth stories with them each year on their birthdays. They love hearing all the details (in age appropriate terms of course) of how they came to join their family and the feelings of anticipation, excitement and love surrounding their arrivals. I love this idea! I also plan to put together a picture book with our child’s own unique adoption/birth story.   As our child grows, more details will be added. And of course we want our child to always be comfortable asking us (or birth parents) any questions that come up.

6. What is the best way to describe your feelings about your infertility?

     

 I am at peace with it. I have been pregnant once (soon after starting the adoption process), but lost the baby to miscarriage. I believe it can happen again, but I am ok if it doesn’t. Not that I don’t ever have a bad day, but I really am content with however God chooses to add to our family. Jim and I talked about adoption even before we were married. We have never considered it to be a “second best” option or plan B. Adoption has always been something we wanted to do.

7. How did you view open adoption when you first began considering adoption as a way to build your family? I know at first I was not familiar with exactly what open adoption was. I still find that when I share information about our relationship with our daughter's birth family some people don't understand why we would want to be in contact with them. What kind of reaction do you get when you share your adoption plans with others ?

     

Jim and I had never heard of open adoption when we first started the process. At first, it did sound a little scary. But the more we read and talked, the more it made sense as the best option for everyone involved. We hope that our child’s birth parents will want to be involved and build a relationship with us.

     Most of our family and friends have been very supportive- especially once we explain what open adoption really is all about! That it is not shared parenting, but it is shared loved and respect!

8. I know you watch the children of friends and family often and enjoy that time with these little ones. What about the baby showers and cute pregnancy announcements that are around. Is this something that is difficult for you?

     

My reaction to baby showers and pregnancy announcements varies a lot depending on where I am emotionally at the time. Sometimes it doesn’t faze me at all. Other times, I need to excuse myself to have a good cry. It’s never a matter of not being happy for the expectant mom…it is sometimes a matter of me questioning why our baby isn’t home with us yet.   I have attended most baby showers that I have been invited to. If it’s a close friend or family member, I attend whether I am having a good day or not. If it’s not someone close to me, I have learned to give myself permission not to go and to just send a gift instead.

    

9. What are your biggest fears in the adoption process? Pre and post baby fears

     

My biggest pre baby fear- Not being chosen!

My biggest post baby fear- Like most moms- what if I mess up and don’t know what to do?

                              

10. In regards to your recent failed match, how has it changed your opinion (if at all) about the match/placement process moving forward? I have heard about adoption scams and am just blown away by how someone could be so heartless.

     

I think is has made us wiser and more cautious. I don’t want it to make us jaded and we have fought really hard to make sure that doesn’t happen. We have forgiven L. We pray for her and hope that she will turn her life around and make good choices in the future. It’s not easy. There are still feelings of betrayal and anger that we have had to deal with. We also had to make adjustments to our profile while we recover from the financial loss of the scam. Most importantly we had to take time to grieve. Even though there was no baby (she had lied about being pregnant and had falsified proof of pregnancy), in our hearts our little girl was on her way to us. So in that sense the baby was very real to us.

     Moving forward, we want to keep our hearts open.   We still believe that there is a baby for us… that our arms will one day be filled…that our “happily ever after” will come. So we continue to hope, to pray and to trust!

11. I know I spent a lot of time trying to learn as much as I could during our waiting process. I know you have mentioned doing some reading as well. What do you feel you are doing to prepare yourself for becoming an adoptive family? Books, websites, blogs, magazines, other adoptive families, conventions, small groups, etc? 

     We have read several books about adoption, raising adopted kids and parenting in general (some assigned by our agency and others that we found on our own). I am part of an online adoption support group/forum that includes both adoptive parents and families hoping to adopt. We also have friends who have adopted through private adoption and foster care.   We will continue to seek out resources about adoption as needed.   Learning is a life-long process.

 **************************************************************************************************************************

 Please be sure to check out Jim and Amy's blog and leave them some love.  They are more than ready to welcome a little one home and I pray it happens soon for them!  They are settled in to their beautiful new home and waiting with open arms.  You can also read my answers over there too! 

I'll be back....

...real soon!  I've missed you little bloggy blog.  Life is so good.

15 minutes left

The night is almost done and I can't find the phone number anywhere.  I 've looked through my box and a few other places and I can picture her writing on the piece of paper. 

I have also been stressed about trying to pick up a bit for our final post placement visit in the morning. 

Maybe it's meant to be.  But I just wanted to tell them I loved them, even if it wasn't even her cell number anymore.

I thank you to those who commented or sent me a FB message.  Like one of you mentioned, it is hard when no one remembers.  I was hoping that maybe, just maybe, one person would have. 

The Night Before

I didn't think it was going to be hard for me tonight.  I thought if it was, it would be tomorrow.  Tonight is just the night before.  Tonight isn't the day.

I had to run to the city with Marla tonight for a few things and was on the way home.  She was fussing a little in the car because she was ready for her bottle.  I decided to turn on some music and sing to help calm her down.  I turned it to a song I used to sing daily that helped me get through the wait.  Marla quieted down and it hit me that as I was trying to make it home before Matt had to leave for work.  He was leaving for work.

He was leaving for work last year.  The night before.  We took a picture of the three of us before he left.  It would be our last night together as a family of three.  Tomorrow we were going to be a family of four.  I remember that picture so clearly.  We were standing in the kitchen.  B was squeezed in the middle of us.  We took the picture ourselves and have such big smiles on our faces.  I look terrible! I had already showered, had no make up on was so tired!  But the picture captured a moment and I love that memory.

I told Matt good bye and would stop and see him on the way to the hospital in the morning for a few minutes if he wasn't on a call.  I wished he was going with but knew he was going to meet us there later in the day.

Tomorrow I will wake up and daycare kids will arrive.  B will play with his buddies and enjoy the summer day.  Grandparents won't call with birthday greetings and there will be no special party this weekend.

I hope that baby girl is loved and happy.  I hope she is well taken care of and smiles at her big brother.  I wonder how many teeth she has and if she is walking.  I hope her mommy is happy and so happy to be celebrating her baby girl's birthday.  I hope she is well taken care of and is doing the best she can.

I think I will dig out her number, even though I didn't have a response from the message I sent in December, and send her a text message.

Happy 1st Birthday Little Dolly.  We love you, miss you, and are always praying for you.

** When I write here, I feel like it is a collection of raw thoughts.  I don't often go back and re read entries.  I type it as I think it and move forward.  Tonight I did go back and read my account of the day.  You can read it here.  It brought some more tears to my eyes at some of the things I said and a few things I had forgotten.  Something I never wanted to do.

Edit***As soon as I hit publish and looked at this post, I wanted to add in one last thought.  I do not for any second wish that things would have turned out different.  I love Miss Marla with all of my heart.  She is more than you could ask for, happier than we could have dreamed, and absolutely perfect.  My sadness just comes from the most heartbreaking experience I have ever been through and I want nothing more than to know that she is okay. Remember exactly where I was last year, where I stood for a picture, what I was doing, what time I went to bed..... all of that hurts.  I wish I could move directly to June 5th. I want nothing but the best for J, baby J, and her big brother A.  

Post Placement visit #1

I believe in honesty here on my blog.  I have been inspired, encouraged, brought to tears and reassured from many of the blogs I have spent hours reading over the years. 

As Matt was leaving for work tonight, all of us happened to be in B's room as he was telling him goodnight.  As I looked around at his messy 8-year-old-can't-keep-it-clean-longer-than-a-day-room, I told him that R was going to be here tomorrow when he gets home from school. 

He casually asked what for and I said, "remember...she is coming to make sure that we are providing a good home for Mar".  

Then I remembered that she was just here in early October doing our homestudy renewal visit.  She sat on this same couch I am now typing on and asked us about why we had certain things selected/ not selected on our profile sheet. 

Specifically, she asked about race.  

It doesn't matter to her what we select, but she did say she had a emom she was working with and the way our profile stands, we would not be shown.

She did specify anymore and we didn't ask.  We said we would look it over and discuss any changes we wanted to make.  We had already been talking about race/ some of the drug use questions and so that was not a problem for us to update our sheet.

Here is the honesty part.   It was me that did not have full African American selected on our profile.  I had half, I had mixed with anything, but I didn't select full.

I was scared. 

I get really nervous when I don't know exactly what to do. 

Before we got into the adoption world, I would have selected AA with no fear.  After all of my blog reading, forums, books, etc.... I got scared. 

Things like ashy skin, haircare, bathing, braids, parts, co-wash, no poo, styling day...all of this was so intimidating to me!  I didn't know how to do it!

After Matt and I talked, I realized that I knew it didn't matter what our baby looked like, but that it was okay for me to not know how to do all of those things. It was okay for me to have to learn them.  So, we opened up our profile- all the way!

As far as hair- I don't know how to do a white girls hair so I would have to learn that too.  When I would have daycare girls here- I wasn't ever one to brush/ braid/ play with their hair.  I didn't know how to do that!  So, learning how to do a baby with black hair was going to be okay.  I could figure it out.

Skin- I don't know why but the term "ashy skin" sounds so intimidating to me!  I read on one post that the commenter said that "ashy skin is a sign on neglect".  I don't know if that is true or not, but it scared the daylights out of me!  What if I didn't do something right and she got the dreaded ashy skin?!?!

I am still scared of the fact that I don't know how to do all of these things perfectly, but I suppose I didn't do everything perfect with my own biological son either.  And he has turned out pretty good.

I'm still learning- with both of them.  He is a boy, just turned 8.  I haven't done that before.  She is a girl, just turned 11 weeks.  I haven't done that yet either.  I love them both like crazy.  I'm still scared but they are my favorite boy and favorite girl.

In case you are wondering- her hair and skin are both absolutely beautiful!  I've done good.

Don't Hate Me....

I know. I'm bad. I stink.  I left you hangin..........

I said I wouldn't do it again and leave our story unwritten. 

One day turned into a few.

A few turned into a week.

A week turned into a few.

Then we were one month past her birthday and I still hadn't posted.

Today she is two months old.

And I haven't told you how she is, how we are, or how incredibly blessed we are:

Everything is better than we prayed for.  Everything seems too good to be true.  Everything is what we thought we could only dream about.  Marla and her birth mom..."MeMar" are ahhhhmazing. 

I hate that I have missed so much.  I know I already can't remember it all.  It just keeps coming over and over ....good, better, best! 

Life has been crazy, as usual.  Back to work quickly after ICPC and home for a week.  Wrestling season for B and the holidays.  A wonderful flow of family and friends coming to visit.  Our taxes looming over me like a black cloud that need to get done.  Like tomorrow.  Laundry to fold.  Extra room to clean out.  Photos to organize.  Photos to print.  Projects with the daycare kids.  Dog hair to vacuum.  And the worst....dinner to cook.

I promise.  I pinky swear.  I will fill you in with some of our story.  I love sharing it!!!

But, here are three pics to get you by. 

Our first "official" family picture.  TPR were signed a few hours before this and we took our "kids" (still feels strange to say kidS) to see Santa at the museum.

   Thanks for those of you who stuck around!  Please leave a quick comment to tell me you if you are still here!

Beautiful day

I don't have time for a full post but know there are many of you (by many, I mean 4) who are waiting for news.

We had an absolutely fantastic day meeting that sweet baby at the hospital.  Our talks with A and her family made it even better.  I can't wait to share more, but we got home late.  We stopped to develop some pics and shared with the grandparents.  I'm still not packed and ready to leave the house tomorrow for our ICPC stay.

We are leaving the hospital with her tomorrow and I can't believe this is my last night before life gets crazy again with a newborn!

More pics and details coming soon!  :)  And, tomorrow afternoon we are planning to announce it to our friends

Thanks again for your prayers, messages, and support!

Oh, boy what a day- or should I say {Oh, Girl}

I am so tired and I did nothing more than wait around all day!

The day started off the day with a text from A saying "today is the day :)"   She kept me updated all morning with info like: we are at the hospital, they just hooked up my IV, and called when they broke her water at 10 and contractions were starting. 

I told her I wouldn't call her or text ( I responded to hers, just didn't send her ones on my own) because I didn't want wake her if she was sleeping or if she was in the middle of something)  She had also told me she didn't get any sleep last night so I knew she would sleep if possible.

Matt wanted me to text her around 12 to let her know we were thinking of her.  I did but said she didn't need to respond if she didn't want to, we just wanted her to know we were thinking / praying for her.  I also told her earlier in the morning that she had lots of people praying for her around the US.  (Thanks if this is you!)  She seemed really excited about that. 

She didn't respond until about 3 and I was started to get worried.  I remembered that recently my cell phone doesn't get text sometimes randomly.  I was worried she might have text me and that I was the one not responding.  This is why our agency really advises not to use text because they don't want people getting upset if someone doesn't respond right away etc. 

When she did respond, she said she had been in terrible pain earlier but was now doing better.  She was dilated to a 10!  I told her it would be very soon and hang in there. 

Matt and I had taken naps in the morning, ran to Sub.way for lunch and tried to sleep a little more this afternoon.  We were so anxious we couldn't do anything else!  I text her and asked if the nurses and doctors have been nice to her.  As I went to pick up B from school at around 3:25 she text me back saying that they have been amazing and that they hung a mirror up for her and she could see baby's head! 

Some people text and drive but this girl texts and delivers!

B and I hurried home because I knew the baby would be here soon!  We arrived a few minutes before the call came in from A that she was here!  She has a whole head of hair, was 6 lbs, 6 ounces, 19 inches, and had dimples like her mom!

We told her to let us know if/ when she wanted us to come to the hospital.  She said okay and we continued to share a few more texts and she sent a few more pics.  A while later she said they were getting ready to move her to the other room and she was going to rest.  I had a feeling she was going to have us not come up tonight. 

A little later she did call and say she was really tired and if it would be okay if we come up tomorrow.  Of course I said that was fine :)  She said we can come anytime so I told her we would probably come in the morning.  Matt is having a harder time with it than I am. 

When she sent us some of the pics tonight, I told her " I can't WAIT to hold her"  She said, " I know, I can't put her down, she's such a sweet baby :) you guys are gonna love her!"

I said "I already do!" and she said, "I can tell :) you guys are gonna be wonderful parents" 

Aww, love.

No News

Sorry for the late post but today was crazy.  I was up until 2:30 this morning.  I was so emotional and excited and just couldn't sleep.  Matt called me about 1 AM and said that the guys on his team had just given him a bunch of diapers.  How sweet. And it makes me laugh that they did it at 1 AM, not 11 when he went into work.  

A called around 6:20.  She said that the hospital had called and they were filled and not going to have room or staff for her today.  So, we are back to 7 AM tomorrow. 

So, Monday, Tuesday, Monday, and back to Tuesday. 

Moving it one day really moves things more than that.  CW hasn't heard from edad since he canceled the meeting.  Hopefully he comes in to sign after baby is born but if he doesn't, we have to wait the 5 business days for termination.  That makes it Monday vs. Friday.  Emom can't sign until his rights have been terminated.  So we are looking at Mon- Wed. and even though I feel that if we leave the hospital with baby, we are good, I will still have a little bit of reserve in the back of my mind.

Thank you for all of your messages, prayers, and thoughts today.  Tomorrow I plan to get a little sleep, pack my clothes/ supplies and finish a few last minute things around here. 

My baby boy

Matt works nights and I usually let B sleep in our bed once a week.  The house is so empty, and all of the pets (okay, not the hermit crab or bearded dragon, just two dogs and a cat) climb in with B and I.  This feels the safest when we are all together.

He asked me tonight if he could sleep in our bed.  I told him that I had said earlier in the week he could on Sunday night because it would be our last night with just us.  (Matt is off starting tomorrow)  B gave me a big long hug and was getting a little teary.  I asked him what was the matter and he said he was just excited to be a brother.  Seeing him so emotional got me emotional.  I hugged him back so tight and a sadness covered my heart.  He has been my one and only love for so long and is everything I could want in my baby boy.   I have so much love for him, will I have enough to share?  Will he be able to share me? This will be such a big change and I just felt overcome with the emotion of it all that I couldn't hold back my own tears.

Changes

A called me today while we were at a family Christmas but I didn't make it over to my phone in time.  She had sent a text asking if it was okay if she sent some pics to my phone that she wanted us to have.  I text back and told her we would love to have any that she has to share with us. 

She sent the ones she showed us Friday night here that she has taken of her belly and also some we hadn't seen of her younger sister and her and her friend.  I know that baby will love to have these when she is older.

She told me she would call me later.  I called her when we left to tell her I was on the way home and left her a voice message.  As I walked in the door, she called back. 

She told us that the doctor had called and had an opening so it is now back to MONDAY- TOMORROW!

I was so excited.  Freaking out mode.  Goose bumps.  Tears.   We talked for about a half hour and it was good.  We went over a few things she should take to the hospital like we discussed on Friday  (robe, slippers, her make up, etc.)  We talked about her family and that everyone was ready and excited for all of this.  She said her mom is going to spend the night with her on Monday night.  She asked me if they let the baby stay in the room with her because her dad was thinking they make the baby go to the nursery for a while.  I told her how they really encourage moms to keep the babies in the room.

She goes in at ten and I mentioned how that might be good so she doesn't have to get up so early but that she will be hungrier.  She was worried about that because she loves to eat!

She plans to call us during the day and update us and will call after the baby arrives for us to come and visit. 

I can't express how good this feels to have this kind of relationship.  I started crying on the phone with her and told her how excited I was that tomorrow was the day.  She said we will have our baby very soon!

I already feel a love for her and a desire to protect her.  I will pray for her to get through this and have a peace and comfort in her decision.

A visits our home

We picked up A at her house in the downtown area.  We called her when we were close and she told us that her mom wanted to walk her down (they live in an apt/ condo) to our car.  Matt and I thought that was very sweet.   Her mom greeted us with hugs and a kiss.  I had text A on the way that B said he was nervous to meet her.  She replied that she was too.   We had him get out of the car and introduced him to both of the ladies.  We chatted the whole way back to our town and she told us that her doctor had forgotten to schedule her induction and the date has now changed to Tuesday vs. Monday.  I was so disappointed!  It's only one day but I was looking forward to the busy Fri night- Sunday that I had planned and then, Boom! Baby Day!  She also decided on a name and was not going to use the one we had suggested but one letter different.  We still love the first name but I am not crazy about the middle name.  Matt tells me to get over it, it is not a big deal but I was a little disappointed.

We headed straight to a Mexican place in town we love to eat.  She had told us she loves Mex and that she was fine eating it while pregnant.  Matt and I giggled that she ordered a steak.  Lots of people were looking our way and in our small town on a Friday we knew about 9 tables of people.  Only a few stopped over.  I told her that everyone knows we are doing the adoption, but we haven't told people that we were selected yet.  We introduced her as our friend A.

After dinner, we headed around town for a tour of the town then back to our house.  She loved the room.  I could tell she was really excited about it.  She had been texting her mom the whole time she was with us and I told her she could take pics on her phone if she wanted to.  She was really excited about that.  Then we took her downstairs and I showed her all of the things I had packed.  I pointed to one storage tub and said this one is clothes and that I could show her if she was interested.  She wanted to see them so we started going through them.  She also enjoyed looking at them.  I told her I know we were not going to need all of these for our hotel stay but that I always over pack.  She said she does as well and when she goes to a slumber party she always packs a lot because she doesn't know what she wants to wear either.

She had a few other comments that were so ....15 and it made us smile.  I lover her innocence but feel a little sad for what she has to go through at such a young age.  She seemed really comfortable with us and just talked up a storm.  She told us more about herself, her family, school etc.  She asked us questions about the hospital, delivery, etc.

She and her mom are working on gathering pictures for us to have of A as a baby and little girl and their extended family.  I told A how this will really be a treasure for baby as she gets bigger.  She also asked if we would like to come to their house after the baby while we are at the hotel.  She wants to show us around where they live and I told her that we would love to.  This just feel so good and like such a good match.  I can't believe this is where we are.

Around 10 PM we headed back towards her house and made a stop for some frozen yogurt.  She had never been to this place and wanted to take her cup home with her so she could walk in eating it and make her brother/ sister jealous that we took her out for it.  :)

She is so respectful and uses her manners.  She thanked us for taking her out.  She just seems like such a good girl.

I am so happy we have met her and am looking forward to becoming a part of her family as well.

Misc.

I'm still not feeling good, my throat is sore, my ear hurts and I'm so so tired.  I'm stressed about our ICPC stay and my loss of income while we are gone.  We might have settled on a place to stay today though which does make me feel a bit better.  It is more than I want to spend, but a good rate for the hotel.  It provides a full kitchen which will help will saving money on meals out.  It is nice and clean and in an area close to other activities.

I did send the text to J today.   I didn't get a response.  I was at least hoping for one that said I had the wrong number so I wouldn't have to wonder if she got it or not.  I said Happy 1/2 birthday to J and that we think about them all each day.  Love and prayers, Matt, Amber, and B.

Tomorrow A goes to the Dr. and said she will call after.  I am excited to hear from her again. 

I am getting some done around the house but not as much as I would like do to being worn down with not feeling 100%.  I know there will not be lots of time for sleeping in my future either and I will have to get back to work as soon as possible.

B turns 8 on the 15th.  We are having a sleepover with his friends on Saturday night which is not the best timing but I don't want him to feel like we are pushing his birthday off.  I just called people to invite them and didn't get cute invites out like I would have liked (and even designed on Pic.mon.key)

I love all of the support we are getting from our friends and family that do know.  It feels so good to know that we have so many people who care about us and want to help.  My online friends are just as great.  Every email, message, or comment I get makes me smile because many of you are the ones who know just what this is like.

Please continue to pray for those still waiting for their call.  It is so very hard to go on and on without a plan.  The one couple I have written about a few times- I still don't know how I will share this news with them.  My heart hurts every time I think of it. 

Tonight while sitting in the rocking chair in the baby room I found a note on the dresser.  It was torn out from a notebook and had a drawing of a shooting star.  It had her name on the bottom and said "From Your Big Brother B" at the top.  Aww, Love.

Meeting Canceled

CW called today to let us know that edad had sent a text message to cancel the meeting for tomorrow.  He said he has to work.  She responded and asked him if he wants to reschedule it.  She waited a few hours and when she called me, she had not heard back.

He is only 16 and I am sure he is nervous.  I wish I could help him understand that we are not going to judge him.  I don't know if I could have understood that at 16 myself though.  I do hope we get an opportunity to meet him however.  I want to be able to share the story about what he was like when we met with him.  I want to have his approval for us to parent his child even though we are old enough to be his parents.  I don't want him to just sign relinquishments.  I feel that if he at least meets us, he is okay with us parenting.


Also, a few of you asked and I must have left out this important detail--- IT'S A GIRL!!!!  Love!

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is a day I've been thinking about for a long time.  December 4th.  Sweet baby doll J will be 6 months.  I have talked to the case worker a few times about wanting to contact J and see how they are doing.  I've heard she has moved back down South where her family lives.  I am happy about this.  They seemed to love her and I am happy she will have some support. 

She probably has a new number and that will make me sad.  I plan on sending her a text message and just saying I am thinking about them, Happy 6th months, and hope they are all doing well.  If she has a new number, the message won't even get to her. 

I hope baby J will always have a special feeling in her heart of being loved more than ever by three people here.  I hope J knows we still care about her and mean it when we said we are not angry with her.  We will always pray for them and the best possible life they can have. 

We love you baby girl.

Have I got news for you!

Hi everyone! I've been hiding a secret.  I'm still hiding it actually, but couldn't wait to get here to my little blog world to share it with all of you.  We have told a few of our family and close friends but that is about it for now.

We received a call that we were selected by an expecting mom the evening before Thanksgiving.  Matt coaches the youth wrestling program in our area and B and I were headed to a friends house to pick up her children for a play date that evening so she could prepare for Thanksgiving the following day.  Our caseworker called and asked if we were still working on updating our profile.  I said yes with a sign (meaning that yes, I marked all the pages that need updated....that is working on it right???) I really thought she was going to ask if we could have it done in the next few days or something. 

"Well you can stop, because your profile has been selected".   love.

B and I drove to where Matt was and had him come out to the car to listen in on the details that the CW shared with us.  It was so nice to hear them together vs. the first time of where I had to drive all the way home and tell them to Matt. 

The situation is good.  Really good.  Almost too good to be true.  I struggle thinking I am worthy of this.  One of the first things I thought of was my two adoption friends who are still waiting.  I know this is going to hurt them.  I know they will be happy but it's hard to see what seems like "everyone" else get their calls.

I'm not promising this time it is going to work out.  I promised that last time.  But, this one is good.  My heart is so happy.  I see two families becoming one.

Emom is 15.  Edad is 16. They are not together anymore.  She has the full support of her parents. We met them ( her and her parents) last Wednesday.  We had so many connections.  We talked with them for 2 1/2 hours and emom is such a beautiful girl.  We are already so proud of who she is and can easily see why her parents love her so much.

We meet edad this Tuesday.  He is pretty quiet the CW said.  He might be on his own.  He says he is on board with signing. 

On Friday, we are picking up Emom, A and bringing her to our home. 

I'm nervous, excited, and exhausted.  So exhausted that I have not been feeling well since Thursday from the stress I'm sure.  My kitchen cupboard is full of post it notes and things to get done.  The baby is coming a week from tomorrow! 

She is being induced on the tenth, plans for us to come to the hospital to visit each day and for us to take the baby home from the hospital.

My biggest stresses now are: finding a place to stay in NE while we wait for ICPC paperwork to be completed (crossing our fingers we are home for Christmas) and not having any income while I'm off of work.   This was partially covered last time when I was off work in June.  I have really been better about those things though the last week.  I know that we will find a way to make things work.





I'll keep you posted after we meet edad on Tues.  I am really excited for this because if he ends up not continuing contact, we will have some part of the story to share about when we met him.

A regular Sunday at church

This past Sunday started out as a regular Sunday.  Matt got off of work and waited for B and I as we finished getting ready.  We were out the door and early for church.  We sat in the car a few minutes listening to funny ringtones on my phone (One of B's favorite things to do).   Matt usually walks B to his building for kids church while I go on ahead to our building and get our spots.  (And by our spot I mean fifth row from the front, center aisle seats.  I'm not happy when I don't get my spot.)

As I walk in, I see that they have the Angel Tree cards laid out in the back.  We did this program last year where we selected a card of a boy who was close in age to B to shop for.  Since we were so early, there wasn't really anyone at the tables yet so I just thought I would take a peek and get our choice selection for who we wanted to shop for.  ( I'm kind of weird like that in that I like for the interests to be similar for B so he can help pick out things he would like)

As I am scanning the table, I see some baby ages and it hits me. I need to find a card for J's age.  None jump out at me so I ask the lady if she has any 5 or 6 month old girls.  She is looking through her stack (There are over 500 kids in need that our church is serving this year so not all of them were laid out on the tables yet) and says she has an 8 month old.  I tell her that won't work and I'm sorry to be such a pain.  After I said that I tell her I will be right back because my eyes have started to tear up.  I leave her searching her stack and head to the bathroom for some tissues.  I come back with a few tears and she has a found two for me to choose from.  I decided on a 6 month old looking for clothing.

I take the card and head to my seat.  I am still having a hard time getting the slow tears to stop dripping down my face as Matt arrives.  He asks what is wrong and I show him the card.  He understood.  I didn't even pick out a boy one because it was so hard being at the table.  After church he grabbed one that was perfect for us- a boy looking for legos. 

I was better by the time church got out and am looking forward to doing the shopping.  I just didn't realize that I will always have to pick a card to represent her too in my heart.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you!  May you count all of the blessings that you have and find some new ones along the way!

2012 Adoption Bloggers Interview Project

I am so excited to be participating in the 2012 Adoption Bloggers Interview Project being held at Production, Not Reproduction.   Last year, I was partnered with Mara from Marriage 2.0 and you can find her interview answers on this post.  Sadly, her blog is now private and I didn't save a copy of mine.  I really wish I could look back (and laugh) I'm sure and what I wrote.  I definitely don't consider myself a very good blogger or writer, but I was really looking forward to the interview project this year due to how much I have learned over the past year + since starting this adventure.

Heather at PNR did random pairings with tons of open adoption bloggers who represent all sides of the adoption triad.  My random match this year didn't seem too random.  I was really excited when I saw my partner because it was someone I felt I already "knew".  Even though we live just about an hour away, we have yet to meet in real life.  Actually, we have even been at the same baseball stadium and fireworks show at the same time but didn't get to meet.  I have been following her blog for about 4 years now and really look up to her with any adoption experiences she shares.  We have exchanged blog comments, emails, and even become facebook friends. I am looking forward to watching both of our families grow and eventually meeting in person!

She is an adoptive mommy to one of the cutest 4 year old boys ever. We both thought we were getting beautiful baby girls this spring and both are still parents to just our boys.   We are both praying, waiting, and hoping that our call comes in again soon.

Introducing......  Ashley from More Than Dog Children.

( I gave her a huge list of questions and told her to pick which ones....she answered every one!)

Q.  You currently have an open adoption with your son- What aspect makes you happiest about his adoption (besides him of course!) and is there something you would have done differently with the experience?  

A.  I feel like if we changed anything, our outcome could look different so this is a hard one for me! I can think of one thing: at the beginning, when D was a newborn, his birth parents wanted to meet every other week. D was a high maintenance baby and it took us 6 weeks to realize he had a horrible milk protein intolerance. So, we were exhausted and overwhelmed. To meet every other week was extremely stressfull. I wish we hadn't waited 6 months to address the frequency of visits.

Q.  In what ways did/ do you honor your son's birth mother?   

A.  We honor D's birth parents by staying committed to our openness. We have not missed a visit- ever. Sometimes we have to adjust it a week here or there but we haven't missed any. We also talk to D about who they are and look over pictures from when he was born. We tell them he loves him "tons and tons" and how he was in C's belly when he was a baby (age appropriate stuff, this will change over time and be more detailed). When he really started to understand he was in C's belly as a baby, not mine, he started telling everyone! Let's just say we had some interesting discussions with strangers at Target!

Q.  I read on several blogs where adoptive parents have different ways of sharing their child's story when it comes to school.  Now that your son is a big preschooler, do you share the fact that he is adopted upfront or prefer to keep it private with his school/ teacher? 
A.  D's adoption has came up since we are adopting again. When we were matched in April, we gave the teachers a heads up because they might be confused if D came to school as a big brother all of a sudden. They were all excited for use to adopt #2. I definitely did not talk them like, "just want you to know, D's adopted...." I would never do that! It was just to warn them of a potential new member of our family last April.

Q.  You are waiting for your second placement-  How have your views on adoption changed since becoming parents the first time?  

A.  Honestly, I'm a little jaded. D's birth parents changed their mind after a long match. Fortunately, we fell on the rare side of the stats, and they changed their mind again when he was 7 days old. This time around, I'm always waiting for our hearts to be broken. Also, I have this deep pit in my stomach that our wait will be super long because we already have a kiddo. I have this crazy belief that all birth parents want to give the ultimate gift to the childless couple. I need to keep in mind all BPs have different views of what they want to give to their child and some might want a sibling (or even an adopted sibling at that). In regards to adoption itself (not just the match/placement process), my views have changed immensely. I was SO SCARED to enter in to an open adoption. What would it feel like to have visits with the birth parents? Would I feel like mommy or would I feel like I was competing? Now, I know it's a beautiful relationship! I'm confident the openness is the best thing we could be doing for D. He knows who he is, where he came from, how loved he is! There is no doubt who mommy is, ever!

Q.  What do you think of all that paperwork involved in the process and what part do you dislike the most?  

A.  The paperwork BITES! I get bitter every time. There are so many sucky parents that will never have to disclose their health, their finances, get references, etc! Arg! I will say, this second time around, I knew what to expect and ripped it off like a bandaid- fast and less painfully. I dropped everything off (that didn't have to be sent in like fingerprints, background checks and references) within 24 hours of receiving it. That portion took us weeks the first time around!

Q.  How are you and your hubby supporting each other during the wait?  

A.  Mark is the coolest cucumber you'll ever meet. He could care less about the wait. He feels confident God's plan is perfect and our next child will join us in His timing. Now, I agree, but I'm squirmy! I never pictured my kiddos spaced out this far. We are ready to be parents again and D's super ready to be a big bro. Mark is supportive by hearing me complain and encouraging me with his steadfast trust in a bigger plan.

Q.  We both have big brothers in waiting also and I know you have made comments about how your son has started asking for a sibling (as do we).  How do you explain this process to him? 

A.  I always say the same thing: "You will have a baby sister/brother but only God knows when". He prays for a baby sister every night. He's too young to understand the 'waiting to matched' part of it. In fact, we feel like he's too young to be a part of anything at this point. With our match in April, we never told him anything that was going on (at time of match, when baby was born, when we were visiting baby at the hospital, etc). We felt it was important to protect his little heart and his inability to understand if the match fell through- which it did.

Q.  The baby showers, cute pregnancy announcements, and friends who have gone on to have 3, 4, and 5 children really weigh on me some days.  Is this difficult for you as well?  What do you rely on to get you through these days?  

A.  Oh, gosh, isn't that soooo hard?! I've had so many "oops" pregnancies around me these days. In addition to those announcements, I have to endure the complaining about not having a certain sex of baby or the bad timing of the pregnancy in general. It makes me want to scream. Most of our close friends have a kid Declan's age and are pregnant with or have #3 already. What I do to cope is to think about how good we have it. This summer when I was struggling bad, I consciously decided it would be the summer of swimming...because it was simple and we could! I had one kiddo to get ready, load up, keep track of, pay for. We went 3 times a week at least and it was such a fun time! I try to keep in mind how easy it it to just pick up and go. This changes dramatically with a newborn! Financially we have it easier too only having to pay for preschool. Little things like that keep my mind in a healthy place. But I definitely drift to the dark side. Sometimes I talk to my sister-in-law. She's adopted and has an extra dose of compassion when I'm feeling negative.
Q.  We have both been through failed placements for different reasons this summer-   Did that change any of your feelings on adoption and what advice can you give to someone who might be faced with this situation in the future?  

A.  It changed my opinion on the match/placement process by making me doubt future matches will actually result in a placement! I'm getting over this more and more every day. My opinion on adoption in general has not changed. D was worth the wait and kiddo #2 will be as well!

Q.  Most of my infertility/ adoption friends are all online. My husband laughs at me since I've never met most of them personally.  We know people who have adopted but don't have any "friends" who have.  Do you have any gal pals that you can identify with or are you surrounded by Fertile Myrtles?  

A.  We have one couple we are friends with who have adopted through the Children's Home like we have. We don't see them often, but when we do, there is an unspoken (and sometimes spoken!) understanding about all things adoption related. We have some acquaintances that have adopted internationally and one couple who have adopted from the foster system. We share a "cool, our kids are adopted!" bond, but nothing like the one couple who have a domestic open adoption like us.

Q.  You and your hubby are currently building a house (totally jealous!  fun!!!)  Do you plan to go ahead and set up a room for the baby when you move in if you are not placed by then?  

A.  SOOO excited to move in to our new place. We have designated nursery and will put all the baby gear in there. I don't think we'll decorate yet. We decorated for the little girl we were expecting in April and it's pretty depressing to think about taking that all down (haven't done that yet, oops). 

Check out this link on her blog to read my interview!  

Thanks so much Ashley for taking the time to be my interview partner!   Don't forget to check out the other blogger interviews here!

Random thoughts

Just a quick stop in for some random things I wanted to share. 

First- I'm looking forward to posting my Adoption Blogger Interview Project next week.  Be sure to stop back on Wed to read my interview of my partner from More Than Dog Children.

Second- This past weekend a friend of mine (who reads this I think) was back in town with her children for a family birthday party.  My family met up with her and the kids for a quick bite to eat before they headed back for their 2 hour trip home. 

Her oldest and her were going to run across the road to a clothing store and get a shirt that she needed for school.  We met at a Bass Pro store where I wanted to return a pair of shoes.  These stores are like a mini field trip and her kids have never been in one.  I said to leave the younger ones with us and that way it will be easier for them to shop. 

Her son is older than B by a few years, her next youngest daughter is a few months older than B ( we were pregnant together when I started teaching) and then they have a 3 year old.  My husband and the bigger kids headed in and I stopped to ask my friend a question as they were leaving the parking lot.  We turned to walk towards the entrance of the store and I grabbed the little girls hand.  She had one cute little fashion boots and a plastic necklace.  As we walked through those doors with me holding her hand, my heart hurt a little.  I want so bad to have a little girl of my own to hold her hand and do mommy things with her.

Third- last night I was with some friends and one of them mentioned something about what the date was.  She said the 8th and I thought to myself, "I missed it".  For the second time in a row, I missed it.   J turned another month older and I didn't even think of it.  I think of her everyday, but I didn't think of that on the 4th of this month or last month for that matter.  That makes my heart hurt. 

That is all I have for now.  I am having a happy day, the post makes me sound like I am down.  It was just a few things I wanted to share lately.

Adoption Group Dinner

I was really looking forward to our adoption group getting together for a reunion.  We had our agency training a year ago this month and this was the first time for any of us to meet again in person.  We have communicated over email through out the year but pretty simple stuff.

One of the couples in our group of 6 couples did not ever reply much to our group emails and was not able to join us.  We have recently found out that they were placed last month.  They have a daughter a year younger than B as well.

We were planning on it being the five couples.  We have B of course, one couple had a biological son through IVF about 6 months ago, one couple was placed with a boy two weeks after their profile was active last December (this little guy shares B's bday!) and the other three couples (us included) are still waiting families.

We had planned to meet in a central location for most of us that meant we drove about 50 minutes one way, 2 couples drove about 50 minutes the other, one couple lived about 20 minutes away and the final couple about two minutes away.  Didn't they luck out!!! :)  Our meeting spot was a bowling / entertainment place that was very nice.  They had a huge modern bowling area, laser tag, go garts, and arcade games.  There was also the restaurant section that was sort of like a sports bar.  It was really slow when we were there and so we had plenty of space.

Matt, B, and I arrived first (as usual) no one else was there.  B and Matt went to play laser tag and get that out of the way before everyone arrived.  We had planned that B could have an arcade card and play games and come back to check in with us every now and then type of thing.

The second couple came in and they were the ones who had adopted right away.  They have a beautiful boy with such dark handsome eyes.  At around 10 months of course they were busy the whole time chasing him!

As we were admiring the first little guy, we saw the third couple walking in.......carrying a baby seat!!    They were not one of the couples with a baby yet!!!   They had a tiny little guy who was around 30 days old.  He was such a cute little bug.  It was such a wonderful surprise!   When we had set the date for this meeting, they did not have him yet and decided to just surprise us instead of emailing again.  Of course we enjoyed passing him around.

The next two couples arrived and we moved to the table area.  We talked, passed babies, laughed, ordered food, more baby passing and story sharing on things like how are the relationships with the birthparents, how things went here and there with different situations, cases we were shown on, etc.  It was big time fun.

We took this picture before we left and I am so bummed we didn't take one a year ago.  But, we intend to do it again each year (at least) and will continue our picture tradition!  Next time we pray there will be at least two more babies in that photo!

I am only going to leave the photo up a few days since it has other families in it.

This picture makes me smile so big!  I just love it!  I love how we have grown!  Please say some extra prayers for the other waiting couple.  Our meeting was very difficult for her/ them.  They are such a great couple and we really enjoyed meeting them last year.  We can not wait for the day when they get their magical call!

I am totally smiling like a big ol' dork in the middle but I was just so happy!