The "un"official date

I've sat here for over an hour wasting time on the web instead of writing this post.  I have cried so much today and my emotions are just overwhelming.  (Don't worry, it's not bad bad news...just not the best)

I'll start with the good- the doctors office was really slow today compared to usual.  I think it was because we were so anxious to find out if he would give her an induction date he promised last week.  She commented that she hopes he sends her today.  We talked about hopefully it will be by tomorrow and some of the things we will tell him.

When he got in he said he would do heartbeat and measure and then check her if she wanted.  She said yes of course and guess what?   No change! Still at a 2.  He said he would go talk to the other dr. and see about getting her a date for next week.  I think we were both bummed that it would not be tomorrow (friday).  I thought he was going to come back and say later in the week but she thought it was going to be Monday or Tuesday.

She was right! Monday at 6:30.  We were happy and excited!  Friday was our first choice, but we will take Monday!!  That is if she makes it through tomorrow and the weekend.

Now...for the talk she wanted to have at lunch.

She didn't bring up anything that the CW thought it might be. She didn't talk about the hospital stay and me staying in the room with her.

I have told you how she wants to take the baby home for a few days or a week she said.  I wanted to take the baby home so much from the hospital but was okay with her spending those few days with her.  It will only be  a few days I told myself.  She said a few days or a week but kept asking the case worker if she will come get the baby if she calls.  The CW didn't think she would keep her for more than a day or two.

Today, she said she wants to take her home with her until she goes back to work in two weeks.  This is so hard for me.  I don't want to rush their time together or the time that she needs.  Her reasoning is that she doesn't think she will have much time to see the baby after she goes back to work.  (She works 7 days a week, 8-12 hours a day)

My biggest concern is the bonding time with us.  I have all of my baby wearing wraps ready so I (we)can do as much skin to skin/ baby wearing as possible with her.  This is why we are not having visitors (even family) for several weeks and why we don't want people holding her either.  We want to concentrate on her learning our voices, our scent etc. 

My secondary feelings are how much she will have changed in two weeks.  Also, our time in her birth state can't start for ICPC until we get the baby.  This means... hospital during birth/ stay and then come home, wait for her to call again, and then go back to birth state to find a hotel (during the college world series hotel sell out double price rooms season) to wait for paperwork to be finished.  We do have a friend who plan to stay with but want to do our first week in a hotel by ourselves.  I only have three weeks of paid va-ca from work.  I can't take a week off, ask to go back for 2, then take 5 more weeks off.  They had my replacement this week start training with me and I can't just come and go now. 

She said she wants us involved during that time and wants to still do things with us but that could be awkward.  If we go out, I don't want it to be like "are you the mom" or "am I the mom".  I know that probably doesn't matter, but I think I will feel unsure of what to do .  On the other hand, I don't just want to say call me when you are ready and we will come pick her up because if she wants me around I want to be there as much as I can to have that opportunity to hold her/ bond with her.

I am so torn up about this.  I feel selfish for wanting her as soon as possible but even the case worker has concerns about why she didn't bring this up to her the day before we they specifically talked about baby being with her for 5 days until she signs.  She is wondering if this has something to do with her being lonely since husband is gone out of town for work now or her friends that want to see the baby (that don't know about the adoption plan)  CW was going to call her tonight and try to meet with her tomorrow.

The next crappy part was she asked me for $150 to help get their car fixed.  I had worried about this before when she had to quit working due to her doctors note and was struggling.  I felt so guilty and that I wanted in my heart to offer her money but knew I can't cross that line and also that it is not legal.  The CW had told her a while back if she needed anything to just ask her and she did ask for laundry soap and diapers a few times.  She had never asked her for $ so she didn't think she would ask me. 

She told me that her husband C wanted her to ask us because it is their only way of transportation and that they would pay it back.  I hated this! I told her that I would have to check with CW because they talked to us in training about it and that I think it's against the law that we can't do it.  I felt like I was squirming and felt completely terrible that I wasn't helping her.

After lunch, I dropped her off at P's apartment.  He was watching A for her while we ate.  I could hardly make it to the car fast enough without my eyes welling up with tears.  I called the CW as soon as I was a few blocks away and had to pull over so I could cry.

I hate this. This isn't what I want. I don't want her to ask me for money. I don't want to tell her no. I don't want to be in that position.  What if she asks again? next year, in two years, in five years? How do I handle that?  How can I not give her money to fix her car when she is "giving " us a baby? Isn't she going to resent me for that? I don't want her to take the baby home for 2 weeks. I want to snuggle with our teeny tiny baby. I don't want to stay in the birth state for two weeks. I want to bring the baby HOME to her little pink and white room.

I told her that if she is wanting to change her mind about the adoption to just let us know.  She said she still is doing it. I said but when the baby is 3 days old and you decide you just can't do it...please let us know. 

I very strongly feel that she is not going to have a change of heart. I very strongly feel that she going to stay with her plan for the adoption.  I am not fearful of that. 

I am so tired. So emotional. So exhausted.  So ready... for this to get her and for this other stuff to be over.  I want to start living our new normal (with J being a part of that)

I don't know if I included everything on here but I'm just too tired to write more.  I've stated the main parts.  I'll update after I hear from CW if they are able to meet tomorrow.

Car Problems, and more...

Saturday evening (after we had met for lunch that day) I found out that J's car had broken down.  She ended up asking if there was any way I could come and get them and give them a ride home (and their laundry- they had been doing that since we left from lunch)

I was planning to go out with a few girlfriends (I'd sat home the past two weekends on baby watch and thought if I went out and had a drink I would get the baby call!)  so I was going to be fairly close to where they were.

 We loaded up everything in my car and I dropped off J, P, and A at P's apartment.  J's husband C was at work and would come get them later.  J was worried about how she would get to her appointments because she thought the car was done for.

I told her not to worry and that we will get it worked out.  On Monday night she text to see if there was any way I could take her to her weekly pregnancy counseling appointment.  We set up the time via text.  I talked to the case worker later to make sure it was okay and she called J on Tuesday to check in with her.  She told her that she could just pick her up since she is only a few minutes away and that way I didn't have to come to town twice.

J was fine with that but I was disappointed because I can't handle working anymore!! I was looking forward to the getting out for a little bit instead of staying for a full day at work.  Really though, I need to save my days so it was okay.

We do have plans for me to pick her up tomorrow for the doctors appointment.  She text me earlier tonight to see what time I was going to pick her up.  I asked her if she was getting excited and she said yes, she hopes they send her to the hospital (for the induction) Friday.  I agreed :)

I asked her if she wants Matt to come or if she cares if he stays home to sleep in case they do send her Fri.  She was fine with him staying and told me we will call him with any news.

About a 1/2 hour later, I got a text from her that said something like this:

Is there any way we could have lunch together tomorrow please because there is a lot of things we need to talk about but only me and you that is if you can.

I told her sure, that it was not a problem and asked if things were okay.

She said "yea just before the baby is born so we could talk about it:

I that is fine and she can pick the place and we will talk after the appointment.

Then I called the case worker of course.

I asked her if she knew what J was wanting to talk about tomorrow.  Did anything come up in counseling today?  She seemed really stumped and said things went well.  She had no idea what it is.  CW said things went good.  The only thing is that they did discuss delivery and the hospital stay.  She thinks J is really scared of being alone.  They talked about us getting another room if available on the floor and she asked if I would stay with her (in her room).  CW told us how she is also worried because C took a job where he is out of town all week and only home on Saturday and she things she is worried about getting to the hospital and what they will do with A as well.

I told the CW that I am okay to stay in the room with her, but it is def. not what I was planning.  I don't mind helping her and being in the room but I don't want to be on top of her either.  The CW thinks having the extra room is nice so you have somewhere to escape too if needed.  Especially since J told us that she thinks some of her co-workers are coming to the hospital to see the baby (and don't know about the adoption plan-- did I tell you this? I asked if she still wanted us there when I found out about them coming and she said oh, yes.  I asked if they would wonder who these white people were?  She said they don't speak English so it will be fine and they don't need to know her business.  I don't quite get that)

If this is what she wants to talk to me about, I'm sure she doesn't want Matt to stay in the room too since she is really modest around men.  So, then where would Matt go?  home?  I thought we would either have an extra room or go to a hotel if they didn't have one. 

CW also said that J did bring up the part about me bringing up changing the name we have picked out.  I asked if she is still okay with the original name we had and CW told me that she loves it.  That makes me feel really good that J does love it.  I used to love it... and I still do (I think :)  )  I am totally fine with keeping it with what we originally planned.

I am more than excited to find out the date for induction.  If the doctor says anything longer than Monday I am going to pull his hair.  I was going to punch him, but I think that might be extreme. 

I will let you know our date and what the "talk" was about.  It's almost here!!!

Emotional

I sit here tonight catching up on blog posts.  I know baby will be here any day and that we are closer than ever.  It could be tonight.  Who knows.  I got a text from Matt at work saying he loves me and can't wait for baby to get here.  I can't either.  I think of it day and night.  I think of it as I fall asleep and as I wake in the mornings.

I am overcome by emotion tonight as I typed some of these last few posts.  I know we have so many loved ones in our small town supporting us as well as friends and family across the country waiting to hear the news. I told my new gal at work today that I think this is the most highly anticipated baby in our county with the number of people who ask me about it each day!

But as I sit here thinking about how very close we are to something we have wanted for such a long time, my heart hurts.  Many of those people mentioned above don't realize that this is still J's baby.  She still has a choice in this.  I want nothing more than her blessing if we come home with this baby.

I sit here each night in anticipation of a phone call I might get or counting the days until the next doctors appointment to give us an update on how much closer we are.

Tonight, as I am dreaming of what our life will be like with this baby (and how quiet my house is at this moment) I am so excited to have her in my arms.  I know it is close. I know she will be here soon.  She is almost so close I can smell her baby soft smell.

But in a town not to far away, baby is still safe in her mommy's tummy.  She is snuggled in and warm, content and safe.  How is her mommy feeling? Is she ready to be done with this? Is she confident she is making the right choice? Is she savoring the last few days or hours she has before she makes a decision that will change her life?  Is she ready for this?

My heart hurts for us both.  The day is near.

Entrustment Ceremony

About two weeks ago the case worker told me that J was interested in having an entrustment ceremony.  I was surprised that this is something she would want to do, but I don't know why.  I am more than excited because I love the special meaning of this.

I asked the CW last week if they had talked about it any more to find out what J was interested in.  She said that she told her she didn't want it at a church but just at the agency office (they usually do them in the chapel they have there).  CW said that they usually do them after signing the papers.  They discussed who they would have there and J thought it would just be her there for her support.  The CW told her they needed to decide who she would like us to have since we have a big family and J told her that we could have our parents. 

After talking to Matt about this, we have decided that we would just like to have it be us ( and B).  We feel like this will be a really emotional time and would just like to concentrate on how special it is.

The CW said that she will read something and then J can say something if she wants (she doesn't think she will) and that we can say something if we want.  I really would like to but know I will be a bawlin' mess.  I would like to try to get something down on paper though. 

I would really like something special for us to make at the ceremony as well however.  I have been searching for a few days and can't come up with much.  Once thing I saw a few years ago was the two families did their handprints around the baby's on a canvas and used this in the baby's room.  Is there any other similar ideas out there for some sort of "keepsake" to create at this special moment?

I also plan to find a necklace to give J at this with two birthstones on it.  One for baby and one for her son A.

Any suggestions or advice?

Feelings of Uncertainty

This afternoon I had a strong feeling of uncertainty come over me.  I am stopped by 5-10 people each day asking about the baby.  I have told the story over and over and given them the info on when we will get the induction date and if we make it to then blah blah blah....

It is setting in that in possibly less than a week the sweet baby will be here.  Am I ready for this? Can I do this again? I have a 7 year old.  Life is good right now.  I tell him to get his shoes on and lets go and we are out the door in 5 minutes.  We don't have a schedule.  We get up late. We stay up late.  The only thing I have to remember to grab when we go out the door is my glasses.  And most of the time I forget these and have to come back in to get them.

Life is good right now I said.  But I wanted more.  Am I ready to shake life up again?

Lunch

On Saturday morning I sent J a text telling her I was going to be in the area and asked if she wanted to meet B and I for lunch at the McD playland again.  I filled our pool up outside and was doing some work around the yard while we waited for a response.  B was very excited to be able to go play with A again and he asked me if I could text her again and see if she could meet us.

After a few hours, she replied that they could meet us.  We met up about an hour or so later.  J and her friend P were outside waiting for us with A when  B and I arrived  (can't you understand all those A, B, C's!!??)  As we walked up to their table, A came running over and gave me a big hug.  I loved that!  He is such a sweet little boy. 

We ordered some lunch and the three boys headed in to the play area while J and I waited.  She looked great and relaxed.  Now that she is not currently working, she looks so rested each time I see her compared to before.  I also noticed that she had gotten her hair cut.  It was down her back and is now above her shoulders. She had always had it in a bun each time I have been around her, but this time had it down in back.  Her hair is so curly! 

Our lunch was great.  We were there for about an hour and a half (and that is a long time at a McD).  It wasn't rushed and it was relaxed.  B and A played and the three of us adults sat around watching the boys play.  I did bring up the name issue that I wanted to before and basically, she didn't like the other name I suggested.  She didn't think it went with the middle name (her middle name) that we have selected.  I pretty much dropped it because I do want it to be something she likes as well.  I originally loved the name we have selected, I just think I have completely over analyzed it.

She told me about how she plans to breastfeed when she take the baby home for a few days and then will pump and bring us milk to the hotel.  We were talking about the hospital and P asked if I was nervous.  I said I really wasn't nervous but more excited.  J asked me if I was afraid of seeing blood or if that makes me feel sick.  I said that that didn't bother me and she said something about how the caseworker had told her she is worried I might pass out!  I laughed and told her that I will do a good job!! I said she will be so proud of me when we are done!  She just thinks I'm a nut because I can't ever find my car when we leave the hospital and have to walk around the garage pushing my door lock button!!

It was so nice to be with her and just felt so much more relaxed than ever. 

She made a few comments that I thought were really good signs.  B mentioned that his 1/2 bday is in June and she said, you are going to have a sister in June.  She asked what hotel we would be at so she could bring us milk.  She asked who I wanted to have come to the hospital after the baby is born.  I am pretty confident that she is going to go with the adoption plan and not have a change of heart.  This is her baby however, and I support her in the decision she feels is right.

Work Replacement

My replacement for my job finally arrived on Monday.  I have been training her and introducing her to the families I work with.  I can't concentrate on anything!!! I am so ready to be done with my job and snuggling up with a sweet, sweet baby.