Adoption Fundraiser

Matt and I are so tickled to have been CHOSEN as the feature family during the month of May by Worthy of The Prize and Cap Creations. It is such an honor to have them share our story and the fundraising opportunities they provide for families trying to manage the cost of adoption.

First I want to tell you about the beautiful jewelry you can find at Cap Creations.  I think you could cover almost all of your holiday shopping through their shop.  $10 from every CHOSEN necklace purchased in May goes towards our agency expenses.  So amazing!

The next opportunity I want to share is the Chosen Child Adoption Bands designed by 517 Creations found in the Worthy of the Prize Shop.  All the proceeds from these key chains go to our agency expenses as well.  Worthy of the Prize is a blog dedicated to "help you reach your full potential in Christ, no matter where you are on your journey".  

If you feel it in your heart to help support us by making a purchase, visit one of the sites above.  We truly thank you from the bottom of our hearts! If it is something you might be interested in doing for your adoption in the future- contact them today to see what months are still open.  The products are darling and it couldn't be easier to spread the word to friends, family, and loved ones!

False Alarm #1

Last Wednesday I was on my way home from working at church when J called my cell phone.  When I answered she told me, "I'm already at the hospital".  (Begin panic here and throw plan out window) I told her okay and that I would be there as soon as I could.  I remember asking her if she already had the baby because I was sort of confused on what she was telling me.  She said she was having contractions and I could hear in her voice that she was scared.

I had my cousin with me who I was heading to drop off so were just  a few blocks from my house when J called.  I had my cousin trying our home phone while I was trying Matt's cell as we were driving.  No answer on both lines.  I pulled into the drive way and honked several times and jumped out of the car.  Matt came quickly out the door and I was screaming "let's go, let's go! hospital!!" 

I'm so glad he remembered what our plan was.  He told me to go and he would make some calls and take our cousin home.  We yelled for B to grab his shoes and him and I headed up towards the hospital.  (About 30 minutes away).

Our original plan was going to be this:

J wants me in the delivery room.

If I was home alone with B at night (Matt works nights) I would wake him up and bring him with me.  We would call Matt on the way up and he would meet us shortly after at the hospital.  B could wait in the chairs until dad got there if needed.  He is a good boy like that.

If  it was during the day, I will go up on my own and the boys will follow me up and be in the waiting room.

*********
As I drove quickly and was trying to call the case worker, I finally got a hold of her and let her know what was going on.  She wanted me to call her once I found out anything.  We both agreed that this could be a false alarm because J was only 37 weeks.

I was a little more relaxed than 15 minutes earlier and called Matt to tell him to wait and let me see what the situation was once I got to the hospital.  Maybe he wouldn't need to call in for work.  He was kind of crabby because he had already called in and I was trying to tell him that I know I panicked and if he could just wait for me to get to the hospital I could give him a better idea of what was going on. 

I told B that we needed to pray for J and the baby that everyone would be safe and healthy and that we would make it safely to the hospital.

The hospital she is delivering at is connected to another hospital ( I still don't get this part)  We went a few weeks ago to visit a friend who had just had a baby and went to the "other" part of the hospital.  After visiting, we did walk through to the other side to see the part where J would be delivering.  We of course had parked on the side where my friend was however.  So, as we arrived at the hospital,  I tried to drive around to the the other side of the buildinfg and look for the outside entrance to the correct part.  I had to pull over and ask a security guard.  He said go down this street, take your first right, go past a circle drive, into the garage, yada yada yada.... I was SO mad at myself for not coming over before to figure out exactly where to go, where to park, what doors to go in etc!!!!  After buzzing around we finally parked, ran out and B did such a good job keeping up and running with me.  He was so excited!  There was no "main" looking entrance to this side of the hospital.  What kind of hospital was this?!?!  It is also connected to a transplant center so all of the doors said that on them.  There was also lots of construction so the first doors we tried were locked.  We ran back to the ones that were marked transplant center and even though I thought that can't be right, that would be a different building, we tired them.  Locked.   There was couple walking by and I asked them in as out of breath words as I could, "Do you know how to get in this place?!?!"  They pointed to a steel door and I found our way shortly after that.  We ran up to the first security guard desk (9 at night) and asked him which way we needed to go.  B then blurts out to him "we're adopting" and I just melted right there.  He was so excited to be doing this with me.  The security man slowly picks up his paper (is he not sensing my urgency?!!) and looks on this list of names.  J's name is not on there.  He asks if I have the right place.  I tell him she called me from here and says that she is already there.  He calls up to the floor and they give him her room number.  After signing in and making a name tag, we are back on our way to running down the halls looking for elevators and the 4th floor.

Once we arrive at the nurses station, we give ask to be let in for J and her room #.  The nurse asks me who I was and I give my name and state "I'm the adoptive mom and this is my son"  She looks over at the nurse next to her for an answer (like she doesn't want to let me in, the old bat!) and that nurse says "they can go in". 

After signing in again and getting an additional name tag, we finally make it down to J's room.  We knock and I tell B to wait in the hall outside the door while I run in.  I didn't know what state she was in and wanted to check on her first.  The nurse in the hall snaps at me that I can't leave him there- he has to go in with me.  Okay, fine, but geeze!  How am I supposed to know these things??  J had her friend P there and his sister in law and her two kids were there.  Once we arrived, they headed out within a few minutes.  They didn't speak English so I really didn't say much to them (except P, whom I have met 2 or 3 times before)  The nurse was just telling J that she needed to be drinking more water that she was a bit dehydrated and to walk the halls and come back in an hour and a half.  They said she was dilated to a 2 and they would check when she got back to see if she had any progress.

I helped her up and the three of us headed to third floor (the long hallway the nurses said).  About 1/2 way down, there was an empty waiting room and a tv so I got cartoons on for B and he was set.   I called Matt and he was on his way up.  I had text him that the nurse had told me while J was using the rest room before we left the room that it was probably not going to be tonight.  He met us in the hall and had brought his stuff up for work with him.  He walked a few minutes and then sat with B until it was time to go for work. 

The problem with this was that now I was alone with B again.  He is usually a very good waiter, but this was not what we originally had planned.  I was fearing that she would get checked and they would say go walk again and we would be up there for hours longer.

When our time was up we returned to the room and they told her she did not make any progress.   She was still at a 2, 40% effaced and even though her contractions were 4 minutes apart, she needed to come back when they were stronger.  They also gave her a prescription for Ambian to help her get some rest.

She had driven herself to the hospital from work and was also hungry so when we left she rode in my car and I took her to drop off the prescription and get something from a drive through.  It was now about midnight and B asked if he could have some fries when we were ordering but was asleep in the backseat by the time we got to the window.  I took her back to the hospital and I followed her home. 

She had a regular scheduled dr. appointment the next morning.  We made plans for me to pick her up since her husband was going to be at work using their car.

I was disappointed that we didn't have a baby that night but actually thankful as well.  It was a good practice run.  We both laughed at how we didn't have things packed yet and would be doing that tomorrow.  I learned that when you are expecting-- always make sure you know how to get to the hospital!!  We also learned that having B with me when we don't know how long it will take Matt to get there is not going to work.  If she would have actually gone into labor, he would have had to have been in the room with us which is not what she or I wanted.  I feel kind of stupid for thinking I could let him sit in the waiting room and I could check on him because I know he would have been a good boy and just watched TV.   Our plan is now that if I get called in the night to take him to grandma's.  If Matt is with us for sure, B will go with him to wait to meet his sister! 

Dinner with our Fam

I'm so tired.  All of this is so mentally exhausting.  I'm behind on my posting and have so much to write about.

I've wanted to do posts on the stupid things people have said and the opinions they have offered, race, all of the friends we have met who are still waiting their turn, and one on the room I have been working on but haven't gotten any of them done.

I now have posts that need done on our dinner with our family, our visit to the hospital for the first false alarm (yes, I said the first), the next doctor's visit, the big fight with my boss, the second hospital visit, the meeting with my sister and J,  and then the phone calls today and what J was stressing about.

Here is some details about our family dinner.  We had scheduled to meet in a nearby town that was probably equally between our two locations.  We had invited my mom, step dad, grandma and grandpa, Matt's mom and step dad , and Matt's aunt and uncle.  That Sunday we had scheduled a birthday dinner at my grandma's house for several April/ May family members.  We ate a ton of my grandma's fantastic cooking, as usual.

My aunt (who I hadn't really invited) was asking about how things were going.  I was telling her that we were going to meet J for dinner and she asked if they were supposed to go too.  I said they were welcome to go (they have four kids and not a lot of money, so I knew them taking their whole family out was probably not something they would be able to do which is why I didn't originally invite them) if they wanted.  She said she would talk to my uncle but wouldn't be able to bring the kids due to two of the four cousins having a severe peanut allergy.  I told her it was fine if just her or her and my uncle went.

About this time I remembered that I hadn't told my grandma ( who I am real
ly close with) about J's plan to take the baby home for a few days.  When I told her, she was not happy and said,  "Well, if that's the case, then I don't want to meet her until we know for sure".  My grandma is a very loving person and so nice and helpful-- and I am totally spoiled by her and my grandpa but this came out very sharp.  My aunt and I looked at each other because it really was rude.  I told her that was fine if she didn't want to meet her.  I ended up leaving shortly after because my feelings were so hurt.

I called my grandma once I got home and asked her if she was going or not because I needed to figure out who was riding with who (my mom and grandma were going to ride together originally-- my step dad was going to be out of town and my grandpa was going to stay home to rest from his healing broken ribs)  She now said she was going and I just dropped the whole comment from earlier.  I know it was because she is scared for us and doesn't want to see us get hurt.

When I called my aunt to talk about car plans, she said that they were all going.  So that was 4 cousins and my aunt and uncle and my grandpa was going as well.

I love my family to death but they do drive me nuts!!

Matt and I arrived first at the restaurant and J and her husband and A came a few minutes later.  I had put our name in when we arrived and was surprised at how busy it was.  Our family within a few minutes of each other and everyone greeted J and her family.   Matt's mom brought a bag with some cars and a notebook and crayons for A.  He played with those cars after eating as we sat at the tables.

When they called us in for the table, we had two tables of 8.  Everyone kind of took a seat, except for J's family and Matt and I.  There were 3 seats open at each table and that wasn't going to work! Everyone was staring at us and I couldn't figure it out.  I needed people to get up and move! I wanted Matt's mom and grandma to be able to be at the table with J and didn't care about the kids being by her.  (My aunt didn't want the two allergy kids to sit by anyone eating- *they couldn't eat of course* so they all had to stick together ... it was just an awkward few minutes with us standing around looking dumb!  Finally my grandpa took charge (like usual) and told who to move and we got settled in.  The table with J and her family had my grandma , mom, and Matt's mom and step dad plus Matt and I.

J and C didn't talk a whole lot to our family because they are very shy at first and the little bit of a language barrier make it a little harder.  They talked a lot with Matt and I however, and we laughed a lot.  I think that meeting our family was exactly what J had wanted and enjoyed the night.  I think our family was happy to get to meet them, just didn't feel like they got to talk to her much.

One of the funny things that J's husband asked was, "Is there more?" (meaning family)  and we said, "Oh yes, lot's more" and all laughed.  I kept laughing and telling them we are all crazy!

All of our family left before us and as we were walking out I asked them what they thought.  They both laughed and said that they thought it was fine.  I left the night thinking that they really did enjoy it.

Dr. Visit

Let me start off by saying that I am so glad that the caseworker gave us the heads up yesterday on J wanting to take the baby home from the hospital.  It was difficult last night, scary is a better word because we already have so much invested emotionally.  We have invested lots of emotions over the last 6 years and it stinks and hurts to be like this.  This is not the life I wanted, this is not the path I wanted, and not the way I dreamed of life going for me.  I am not living my life though.  God gave me life and I owe it all to Him.  I am living the life that God gave me and I must have faith in his plan for us.

I picked up Matt at 10 to head to the dr. office.  He works nights and was able to get about an hour of sleep.  We were out the door and on our way within a few minutes.  When we were almost there (about 10 minutes before the apt. time), J called my cell phone.  Usually we are plenty early and actually wait for about 10-15 minutes.  She usually walks in right on time for the appointment.  She asked if we were there yet and I told here we would be in just a few minutes.

Her and A were waiting right as we stepped off the elevator and she went to check in.  She mentioned that she thought we were coming at 10 so she had been waiting for us.  (Apt. was at 10:40)  I'm not really sure why she thought we were coming at 10 but I felt bad she had been waiting.  She didn't seem upset or anything so I'm sure it was okay.

Usually she sees the nurse practitioner and gets in right on time but today they had her scheduled to see the dr. and in true dr. form, they were a little late calling her back.  She always brings A with her and Matt and I always have fun playing with him.  He is used to us by now and gets on our lap, rolls cars across the floor, or shares other toys he brings with us.  He was sitting on my lap today as J went to check in and Matt was playing with him.  A was acting like he kept trapping Matt's hand in his shoes and Matt was pretending to try to pull it out.  A was laughing so hard.  He is such a cute little boy.  When they called J back, Matt carried A down the halls and continued to play with him as she got weighed, blood pressure, and used the restroom.

I don't feel nervous at the clinic anymore.  I used to feel everyone's eyes on me and feel so out of place, but now... I don't even notice it.

When we came out of the stairway when we arrived A was playing with another little boy.  As we approached them and I started calling to A, the father of the other boy started speaking to me in Spanish.  I don't know any Spanish and I felt a little panicked.  He was actually speaking to me...not just the little boys.

We are Caucasian and our baby will be Hispanic.  We have talked about how we want all 4 of us to learn Spanish and talked about this with J.  Later in the exam room it came up again when Matt was trying to read a sign in Spanish and J was helping him with the words.  I told her how that guy was trying to speak to me and Matt said that is why we need to learn!

J seemed so much more relaxed than the last time we were at the dr. and she was asking to be induced.  She also seems so much more comfortable around us and talks and laughs so much more than before.

The Dr. came in and did the measurements, listened to the heartbeat, reviewed the chart, and told her the same stuff about headaches, contractions, loss of fluids, etc. that the nurse practitioner tells her every time.  He also said her glucose screen and strep tests were good.  J had told me before he came in that she thought they would start checking her to see if she is dilating yet but he said it was too soon since she is only 35.5 weeks and no signs or symptoms yet.

I was really hoping that we could hear something about her getting closer today.  I am ready.  I was really hoping that next week would be my last week of work.  Honestly, I feel that I have already mentally checked out of my job. I can't concentrate on anything besides getting ready to go.

They said they will see her in one more week.

As we walked out, she needed to stop at the desk to make an appointment for A.  I asked her if she wanted us to wait and she said yes because she wanted to talk to us about something.

Here it was.  I had been wondering if she was going to bring it up.

The waiting room is pretty busy so I asked if she wanted to go downstairs to the lobby.  We rode the elevator down and then stepped into the large lobby.   This is where we have talked before parting ways previously. She started in right away with something like ..." I still want to do the adoption but I want to take the baby home with me for a week or a few days.  I still want to do the adoption though".   I basically just said okay and that that was fine with us if that is what she wanted.  A bench opened up right after and I asked her if she wanted to sit down.  Matt was standing near us but also trying to keep A rounded up so we could talk. 

I told her that we were okay with that if that was what she was wanting.  She told me how she had told the caseworker but wanted to tell us herself. I asked her if she wanted us to still come to the hospital or if she wanted us to give her some time by herself there.  She said yes, she definitely wanted us to still be there.  The whole time she was saying that it might only be for a few days and that she would call case worker and us to come and meet to get the baby.  She said she still might change her mind (about taking the baby home) because she knows that A will be crying and the baby will be crying and they will need their diapers changed etc.  I did ask what her husband thought of it and she said that he was fine with it.  (He is not the birth father).  Caseworker has told us that she thinks it will only be a day if that.  I asked J if she was thinking about changing her mind about the plan and tried to tell her that we want this to be her decision.  She is still very strong about saying she is not changing her mind, nor do I feel like she wants to.  I asked her if she was nervous to tell us and she said yes.  She said that she was worried we would think she was changing her mind.  I just hope that she can be comfortable enough with us to be able to talk to us about these things.

I felt really comfortable about our conversation and I still do today. I did not look forward to telling our parents, because I knew they were going to freak out and get worried. 

After we had talked about the post hospital stuff, we also needed to talk about our plans for her meeting our family.  She had brought this up last week when they were at our house and we set we could figure out a time at the dr.  I asked her if she wanted to do a Saturday afternoon before she goes to work or Sunday (her day off each week)  She settled on this Sunday.  She didn't especially want to drive back to our town and commented that she thought it took so long to get there last week (but said they got back faster!)  I asked if she wanted to meet at McD playland again (Matt's suggestion) so the boys could play and it could just be for ice cream or something.  She suggested the Chinese buffet.  On Sunday she had told us that was her favorite place that her and C go. 

I asked her who she wanted me to bring (we have a large extended family that lives close) and she said "anyone who wants to meet me".  I thought this was so sweet.  I told her how everyone wants to meet her.  Everyone always asks how she is doing, how she is feeling, how A is doing.  I said, "but there is a lot of us" and she laughed and said she knew from the pictures.  I think I am just going to ask my parents, Matt's mom and step dad, (his dad lives about 2 hours away) and my grandparents (like my parents as well) .  My sister comes into town the following week and I might see if J wants to go to lunch and meet her. 

I am looking forward to Sunday. I told case worker though that I hope our family doesn't act dumb.  (and I mean that in the nicest of ways lol)  I hope they don't cry or act weird!!!  We are weird anyways so I don't know what I'm talking about. 

I will post soon to let you know how it goes.  And, I'm looking forward to the China Buffet-- yum yum!!

New Blogger layout & Comments

First off, every time I sign in to post I get thrown off by the new look of blogger.  I haven't had much time to look around yet but it looks good so far.  Any of you who don't blog don't really care about this however.  I just wanted to mention it because it happens every time the page comes up and I get all confused again ;)

Second and more importantly, I wanted to truly thank those of you who have been leaving me comments.  They are so encouraging to read.  Especially you Cat, you leave so much advice for me as well.  I know I only have about 8 followers and 5 commenters but each one makes me feel so good to know that I have people interested enough in our little journey.

Thanks again everyone! 

I had a busy couple of days at work and didn't get around to calling our case worker until today to tell her about our visit on Sunday at our house.  I wasn't sure when J had her counseling appointment this week with her either.  I left the case worker a voice message and she called me back this afternoon.  She said she actually was with J when I called.

I asked her how she was doing and she thought she was still stressed about going into labor at random places.  I told her that we thought she seemed more relaxed on Sunday from Thursday when we saw her. 

Case worker said that J also told her we had to order pizza due to the rain and that I had a lot of clothes (for the baby). 

Then, case worker told me that she was going to tell me something that J didn't want her to tell me.  J wanted to talk to us about it herself but case worker wanted to give me some notice.

She told me that J now wants to take the baby home for a few days.

She wants to tell us herself because she wants to assure us that she is still going through with her adoption plan. 

We have always said that we support any decision she makes but of course I was not expecting this.  I have always felt  like she is confident in her decision so I must say I was surprised with this.  Does it scare me? Yes. 

I am so thankful that she gave me the heads up.  She said she is planning to tell us tomorrow at the dr. appointment.   Now that I have had time to process it, I think I can actually come up with something to say rather than, "okay...okay....okay"

Case worker said that she still believes that she is planning to go with the adoption plan.  All I know is that I had a miscarriage 2 months before I got pregnant with B.   If I wouldn't have had that, I wouldn't not have gotten pregnant again.  He is so wonderful and I am in absolute love with him.  I can't imagine loving anyone more than the love I have for him.  If this is not the baby for us, we will be okay.  We will get another turn.  And then I will fall crazy in love with that baby and not be able to imagine my life without them.  But I will always pray for this little baby in the ultrasound picture that hangs on my fridge and that Matt talks to no matter whose arms she ends up in.

From one of my favorite songs:

Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts rising
Even when the storm comes 
I am washed by the water

I won’t never ever let you down
I won’t fall
I won’t fall
I won’t fall as long as you’re around me

Needtobreathe- Washed by the Water 

I have been singing this song over and over for the past few months. Today it fit perfectly. 

 

On Sunday J, her husband, and their son A came down for dinner at our house.  Of course I was so worried about our tiny little house and getting it "spiffed" up before them came.  I don't really like to cook so I worried about that too.  I had planned for us to grill out (Well, for Matt to grill out) and we could sit outside while the boys play.  The rain had other plans for us however.  I went with plan B which was take and bake pizza, breadsticks, and big bowl of fresh fruit.  J had told me how she had been craving fruit so I wanted to be sure to have that for her as well.  I text J earlier in the day to verify they were still coming.  She said they were and also told me she was bringing a cake.  I thought that was so thoughtful of her to do that and told her she didn't need to bring anything. 

When they arrived, we showed them around the house and then sat down in the living room.  I was really excited to show her the baby room and hoped that she would like it.  The two boys started to play right away.  B hd been waiting for a few hours for them to arrive.  He remembered that A likes cars and put a puzzle together in the living room with cars on it to show him.  They played so well the whole time they were here and laughed and laughed!  It was music to my ears.

After about a half hour of chatting, I got up to start the oven and get the pizzas ready.  We all ate together and I took so totally cute pics of the boys sitting side by side.  As we were eating the cake J brought, I brought up the subject of the names again like the case worker had told me to.  J seemed completely fine with going with the name we had told her we liked on our first meeting.  That was really special that she liked our name since we had said we were open to her naming the baby.  We asked her if she had anything in mind for a middle name and she didn't.  We told her that since she had told us she didn't like her first name, we would like to use her middle name for the baby's middle name as well.  She seemed fine with that.  Sometimes she doesn't show much emotion and is hard to read.  Matt wasn't sure if she was understanding what I was trying to tell/ ask her due to the language difference.

Speaking of language, one thing that did come up was she asked us if we knew any Spanish.  We told her that we didn't and that we had discussed wanting to learn as a family now and were looking into some options.  She said that the baby needs to learn Spanish and English.  Her son A is learning both- they use the two languages in their home.   We totally agree with the language part.  All of us will be able to benefit from learning.

As things were starting to fade out I asked them if they wanted to go for a drive around our little town.  We were test driving a bigger vehicle for the weekend so we were able to put A's carseat in and the two boys rode in the back, us girls in the middle and the two men in the front.  Matt drove us around and gave them the tour.  They had asked if we had any stores so we started with that and showed them the 2 grocery stores, 2 dollar stores, few restaurants, bowling alley, three traffic lights etc.  They giggled at some of the things and seemed to be enjoying the ride.  They asked about the price of some of the houses.  We finished with a drive by the park and schools.  I think they were both surprised by how big the schools were.  I think they were expecting something smaller, especially since they came in from a road off the interstate that comes right through a residential area to our house and didn't pass any of business district.

As they prepared to leave once we arrived home, she mentioned that she wanted to meet our family as well.  I told her we could certainly arrange that and asked if she wanted to do it before or after the baby.  She said before and I told her I would look at the calendar and we could finalize plans on Thursday at her next dr. appt.  Sundays is still her only day off during the week though.

All in all, I felt good about the visit and think they had a nice time.  I felt pretty comfortable with how things went, but just felt tired from being so stressed about it!