Our first meeting

I am still so overwhelmed. I have never felt so loved by our God. Does He really love me this much? I have waited for so long for this. I get teary when I think too long about how much is happening.

Matt and I arrived in the office first. We were scheduled a half hour earlier so we could review a few things with our case worker. It was also the first time for us to meet this new case worker. She knew how nervous I was the day before but I think I had relaxed a little by the time we got there. I don't remember much of what we went over during that time. One thing I know I had asked was if she could give us a heads up on the names that bmom had in mind. We had agreed that we were open to bmom naming the baby. During our training however, they had told us some stories of a few "different" names that have come though the agency. I still feel like I was open to bmom naming, I just was worried about my reaction if they were really crazy names. I didn't want to be like , uh, yeah.....those are okay..... She shared her 3 girl names and 3 boy names (being careful not to tell us the gender). They were all fine- I didn't especially love them but they were completely fine.

Shortly after that the phone buzzed that Bmom had arrived. Bmom is parenting a 2 year old and would be bringing him along as well as a (male) support friend. Case worker walked out to get them and took them into a room across the hall first. Matt saw the little boy walking down the hall and was able to catch a glimpse of him as he passed the door. After just a few minutes we heard case worker open the door and say "are you going to come with me" and we could tell she was bringing the little boy with her to get us.

I took a deep breath and started across the hall...........

I was smiling and scared as heck, but hoping a didn't look like a grinning idiot or have a stressed out look on my face. I remember looking for bmom right away in the room- she looked unsure what to do as well but she started to stand. I took her starting to stand and greet us as a nice sign and gave her a little hug and said nice to meet you. Case worker introduced us to the friend and we shook his hand. Matt gave her a little hug as well.

Case worker got us started with Matt and I telling about ourselves..where we grew up, what we do, etc. Then bmom told us some about herself. We had been told she was very quiet and that it was hard to get her to answer more than just the questions but she told us more than I was expecting from what they had said about her being so quiet. She seemed to like telling us about herself and her family.

Case worker guided us on telling a few more things back and forth and then she asked bmom if she wanted to share the gender. She told us that the ultrasound last week showed that it was a girl. This was the only time I really cried. I could not believe it! Such a dream for me! (she did forget the ultrasound pics at home, I was bummed about that- oh well though...they all look alike anyways on ultrasounds!)

A few other things that we learned about her was:
She is anemic
They told her the baby is big.
She works 7 days a week
Her mom does not support the adoption but lives very far away and is not in good health

We talked about openness and what she was wanting. She told us that she would like pictures and letters and 1-2 visits a year. She said she wanted her little boy to know that he had a sister and why she made the choice that she did. She told us that she was struggling to take care of him and wanted this baby to go to a home where they were going to be loved. I think it was obvious how much she loves the little boy and realizes that she can't take care of two. I think we were hoping for a little more relationship but I know that can come down the road. I just want to make sure she feels welcome to be a part of our family as well.

She told us that she wants us to come to doctors appointments be at the hospital during delivery. She said not in the room at delivery because she is embarrassed but just outside. She talked about wanting us to get a band at the hospital so we can get the baby from the nursery. Case worker had told us that they not talked about delivery yet, so I am assuming she has talked to friends/ thought a lot about this to think of all those details.

When I felt like we were nearing the end, I asked her if she had anything else she wanted to ask us or know about us- she couldn't get it out fast enough....She said, "when do I get to meet your son?" She told us that his letter that he wrote in our profile touched her heart. She quoted one line from his letter that said, "I have been waiting to be a brother for YEARS!!!" This was really special to Matt and I because we know that it will mean a lot to B when he gets older to find out how much his letter had to do with her choosing us.

She told us that she has a doctors apt. on Thursday and we exchanged phone numbers. We decided that Matt and I would meet her at the doctors office and figure out the date Thursday that we can get together with B.

Bmom, her son and friend left first and we stayed to sign a few more things with case worker. I told her that she talked more than I had expected and she told us that she had never seen her talk so much.

It's A ....

The visit went very well. I was able to relax once we got there. I'm so exhausted from not sleeping the last two nights so I will have to write more later.

I LOVE PINK!!!!!

I can barely breathe

My stomach hurts oh so bad, it is just in knots.  Tomorrow is the day that I will remember for the rest of my life.  I can't believe we are here. I can't believe we will be there.  I should be in bed, resting, relaxing.  Instead, I am crying, wondering, praying.  I don't know what I'm wearing. I don't know what I'm going to say. I don't know what I will do.  How do we do this???

I feel like I might get sick.  Do you think birthmom is laying awake? Is she nervous about meeting us? Case worker told me this afternoon that bmom is really quiet and doesn't say a lot.  She answers questions but doesn't give you lots more than what you asked for.  She thinks that maybe she has a hard time showing emotion.  I have a hard time containing my emotions.

I can't wait to find out if baby is a boy or a girl.  Case worker said bmom is bringing us pictures from the ultrasound and will share the news with us.  I don't want to see pain and heartache in bmom.  My heart is hurting for her already.  I don't want to feel like we are taking someones baby.

Still in a Daze

I still can't really believe all of this is happening and happening so fast at that!  We spent Friday night telling our family and a handful of friends that knew about our "project" we had been working on.  Saturday I cleaned around the house and emptied out two pieces of furniture from the basement I want to use in the baby room.  I called a few more friends and opened up the circle of who knows our news.  I know my grandpa has called every single one of his friends to share the news so it will be getting around soon.

Matt told a few people at work and looked at the calendar in regards to trying to get some time off in May.  It doesn't look that promising because one of the girls he works with took 3 weeks off for her wedding.  I told him we will make it work and that we can't be upset at her for having that time off.  This is a major life event to her and she has been there longer.

I told two other friends at church this morning and my ladies group this evening.  I still don't feel like we have made it officially public yet however.

Our son B asked tonight if when babies come out of a mommy's tummy (I had him c-section....so babies do come out of tummies around here!) they have a diaper on.

Here is a picture of us on Friday night at Matt's aunt's house.  My face is a mess from all of the crying I had been doing all day!!!

Unbelievable and completely amazing

You are not going to believe this.  Today I was walking out of my first appointment for work and our case worker called.  I had hoped she would call back since I had left her a message last night that it was okay to show our profile next week.  I told her in the message to call if she thought of anything else to tell us or if I needed to do anything else.

She started in with saying that she needed the answer right away about showing our profile because she actually showed it to the birth mom this morning. 

Birthmom had a couple maybes but one was a big yes.  That big yes was US!   The caseworker asked me to pull over and we talked for a few minutes.  One of the things birthmom wanted was for the adoptive family to be involved as soon as possible.  Case worker told me we can set up a meeting next week, but for me to call and tell Matt the news.

I was about 35 minutes away from home.  I was a nervous wreck!  I didn't know how I was going to drive the whole way home.  I decided not to call Matt, I wanted to tell him in the person.

Luckily I had no more work appointments today. I drove straight home where Matt was outside mowing.  I threw the car in park and went running across the yard.  He saw I was crying and panicked right away.  He said- What's wrong???

I looked him in the eyes and said-  SHE PICKED US! 

Matt was very excited.  He thought it was so cool.  I was freaking out nervous!!! Am I going to remember how to parent a baby??? Can I do this again??? Can we afford it??? Now we have to have a baby everywhere with us!!!!  I wanted to throw up!

 I went back to work for a while to grab some work to bring home.  We both pretty much knew that I would not be able to get any work done this afternoon.

We picked up B from school together and couldn't wait to tell him.  I wrote a card for him to read.  It said:  You are going to be a  big brother in May!   We had him read it outloud and I was capturing it on video.

After we answered any of B's questions, he still wanted to go to gram's as planned for a slumber party with his cousins.  (what 7 year old wouldn't) 

We continued to meet with lots of our family the rest of the evening to share the news.

I still can't believe it.  not. one. bit. 

We meet with  birth mom on Tuesday.  We are supposed to bring a list of questions.  I'm not exactly sure.  I told the case worker I don't know what to say, what to do....we have never done this before!!!   Any suggestions?

Here are some prayer requests:

1.  Birth mom and baby- that she will continue to take care of baby and make healthy choices
2.  Birth mom- that she will be at peace with any decision she comes to.
3.  Our case worker R, and her days ahead with chemo.
4.  That God will provide for our needs during this time.
5.  Circumstances surrounding baby to go smoothly.

Thank you and I will be back to update!

New case worker

In between appointments at work I checked my voice mail.  I didn't see I had missed call, so wasn't sure who the message was from.  As I listened to the message it was our new temporary case worker.  As she began to introduce herself, I assumed she was calling to let us know she would be covering R's medical leave and maybe ask us to come in so she could meet us. 

She actually started saying that she was going to show profiles next week (this must have been a new mom because we did not have one ready for profiles on our past updates.  Remember we did not have our March update however) and wanted to know if we were open to her showing ours.  Since she was new, she was not completely familiar with all of our preferences.

It took a few hours of phone tag to finally get in touch with her.  

She told me the scenario pretty much everything matched up with what we were open to.  Without sharing too much of the baby's story- the baby has had limited prenatal care.  This was something that Matt and I had different opinions on.  Birth mom had an ultrasound last week and the doctor said everything looked great and that the baby looked healthy with no concerns.  That was very reassuring.

Matt was working an overtime shift and it took me a few hours to get  a hold of him at work to go over the details.  We talked for just a few minutes and agreed to go for it!  

I called A back and left her a message that we were okay for her to show our profile. 

As we laid in bed that night, I went over the scenario again with Matt on my little note bad I wrote the details on.  We were both comfortable with it.  I am both scared and excited- but it is nice to know that our profile is going to be shown. 

Terrible News & Prayers Needed

We were nearing the end of the month and I was wondering where our monthly update was.  I don't want to be the girl who calls to bug them about it.  I know that probably not much has changed but these little bits of info are what keep me going! 

Matt received a call on Tuesday from the program director that our case worker has been diagnosed with an aggressive form of ovarian cancer.  She had surgery this week and will begin chemo right away.  They are planning on her being out for at least 6 months. 

She is young, upbeat, and wonderful.  I hate this news.  I don't understand it.  I don't her to be "one of us" now. 

They wanted to let us know that they will still show our profile and will have someone filling in for her but this is not what we were concerned with.  We are concerned about her and her life.

As much as I want a baby, I am not in a hurry.  I am okay if this slows things up.  Money stresses me out.  Are we going to be able to afford diapers, childcare, formula, and everything that comes with a baby???  I try to remind myself that most people are never "ready" completely but they find ways to make it work. 

Please pray for her during the dark days ahead.  She needs every single one of them.